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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how you deal with inlaws that you have absolutely nothing in common with?!

70 replies

Lovingtheisland · 19/08/2018 00:08

As title.

I have tried for the last 6.5 years, I really have but I’ve come to the conclusion that I just don’t enjoy their company. They are completely different from me and my friends, from my own family. They don’t like doing anything, other than sitting around watching tv, they claim to be a really close family yet none of them really seem to have anything in common or anything to speak to one another about. It’s a lot of just sitting about making stifled conversation, with MIL giving me a look if I dare have more than 1 glass of wine etc.

Spending time with them is becoming increasingly difficult as I just find it mentally draining. It doesn’t help that we live 3 hours away so whenever we see them it’s either them staying with us for 3-4 days or us staying with them for 3-4 days. I feel like I can’t escape- MIL gets a face on her if I disappear off upstairs for 15 mins just to get a bit of breathing space etc.

Anyway, I digress, how do you deal with inlaws that you just don’t really have anything in common with etc? How do you manage to spend large quantities of time with them without it being obvious that you’re bored out of your mind?!

My IL’s aren’t bad people, for some reason Im just getting more intolerant of them.

OP posts:

TigerDroveAgain · 19/08/2018 10:32

Just don’t go and take the flak. Send your DH on his own. My mum (and late dad) are like your in laws and DH never visits, and I don’t blame him. Anyway, if it’s a three hour drive and you don’t have kids you could leave home at 6.30 be there before 10 and leave at 5 or 6. I would make a stand now.

DinosHaveBigFeet · 19/08/2018 10:34

Fuck that. 3 hours, suck up the driving and don't stay.

DH's family are apparently 'a very close family', bollocks, his sister we haven't spoken to in 6 years because she's a massive cunt and his brother lives on the other side of the world. He's spoken to our kids once or twice for a couple of minutes in their entire 7 years. They don't even know who he is.
We live in a different country, that's the best way to deal with them. MIL comes and stay for a weekend a couple of times a year. Comes Friday, leaves Monday. It's the longest I can stand the fakery.

Cut down your and their visits.

butlerswharf · 19/08/2018 10:42

I'm in a similar situation. We live just as far away but never stay over!

Having a baby hasn't made things easier though so I wouldn't rely on that.

ItsColdNow · 19/08/2018 10:43

You have family and loved ones in common.

ForalltheSaints · 19/08/2018 10:45

Had the same with my uncle.

There and back in a day. Arrive just before lunch, leave early evening (or earlier in the winter).

Original poster

Lovingtheisland · 19/08/2018 10:57

It’scold- we have ONE loved one in common- my DH. Hardly enough to disguise the fact that we are just very different people with very different interests/ personalities.

OP posts:

Kokeshi123 · 19/08/2018 11:05

Do you actually care if she disapproves though? What is she going to do about it, write you out of the will?

This, I would say. Sounds like a tricky situation, but I think you do just need to develop a much thicker skin about this. Either have much shorter trips, or make it clear that you will be doing days out regardless. They may make cat's bum faces at first but they will get used to it. Better than just getting more and more resentful and ending up having a row with them.

TruffleShuffles · 19/08/2018 11:24

Does your DH enjoy these visits and spending time with his family? Does he enjoy spending time with your family?

Think it’s a bit poor that your already planning on using your unborn children as blackmail for getting out of staying with them when as you’ve already said they are nice people that you just don’t have anything in common with.

defineme · 19/08/2018 11:44

Firstly, I think you're ott with the hospitality as that's an awful lot of people to host in your home. Why can't they all meet up at their houses? Just take charge and make visits briefer etc.

However, I think your expectations are too high- I never expected to have anything in common with my in laws but over the years they have shared what DH was like as a child, bonded with my kids, given my kids unconditional love, taken care of my kids when I couldn't, made my kids laugh and cuddled them...and yes they do raise an eyebrow at my 2nd glass of wine, have hobbies like shopping and insist on tedious group walks, but really is that the end of the world?
Also, aren't your sil/bil's kids your nieces and nephews that share a blood connection to your DH? I may not have enjoyed my niece and nephews toddler tantrums etc but I appreciated seeing glimpses of a young DH in them and now they are older they're delightful company. However much you make fun of your pil's perceived obsession with family , it is part of what makes us human.
Take control, set your boundaries, but grow up a little bit too.

TSSDNCOP · 19/08/2018 11:48

I ignore the faces and get stuck into the wine.

NotTheWayISeeIt · 19/08/2018 11:50

I have this with my InLaws - they are nice but so boring, they are also have mobility issues so I can't exactly start bossing them about to go out and do something. I deal with it by taking a great book and my iPad and also by going out on my own for the afternoon. I don't ask anyone I just say I fancy a wander around town and I leave. I don't think anyone minds though.

When they visit I still go out but tend to hang around home more than usual. I'll sit and chat a bit but I spend the time doing jobs around the house. It's great as I catch up with a lot of chores. My MIL has commented about how I am always so busy but she wasn't being mean.

SaoirseTheSeahorse · 19/08/2018 12:00

I sympathise op. My in laws make me incredibly anxious. I am not an anxiety sufferer, but being with my in laws makes me almost physically uncomfortable. They’ve done nothing terrible, just lots of small things. I’ve known them for about 13 years and everything has built up really. Things came to a head when mil wanted everyone to go on holiday together in one big house. It was an excruciating week for me. I hid away napping / reading etc as much as I could and I couldn’t wait to leave. It’s so hard to articulate why I feel like this. It’s just a general cold feeling I’ve always had around them. I think now it’s more apparent as we have dcs now who they make little effort with. There’s a lot of favouritism towards dh’s sibling who has never really liked me. Now I just avoid them as much as possible and get on with my own life. I encourage dh to maintain a good relationship with them all though and he brings our dcs to see them without me. I think I just reached a point where I was like, it’s good for Dh to have a relationship with them, but that doesn’t mean I have to. So I don’t.

I remember posting on here about them years ago and people were really supportive, bar one poster who said “when your dh divorces you, they will still be his family and you’ll just be a troublesome EX”. At the time I was quite hurt, but then I thought, actually it’s so bad being around them that if anything ever happened and dh decided to divorce me, I’d obviously be devastated as I adore him, but I’d not have to see my in-laws ever again. So troublesome ex? Nah. I’d be completely out of their lives and I imagine they’d be happy. I’d be happy to be giving them a miss too, though obviously I don’t want to get divorced!

SaoirseTheSeahorse · 19/08/2018 12:01

Actually “has never really liked me” is a massive understatement.

SaoirseTheSeahorse · 19/08/2018 12:03

Sorry, that was a bit of an unhelpful ramble!

Op, I don’t know what to advise, but think spending less time with them might be the ticket, as suggested already.

PatchworkElmer · 19/08/2018 12:34

I think I’d book activities anyway, “we heard that x was on while we’re visiting- I’m booking tickets”

When they visit you, I’d carry on with some of your usual activities- do you go to exercise classes, or run? You could always lie and say you’ve pre-booked a class/ meeting a friend who needs moral support, etc.

Not a break exactly, but could you get the rest of them to walk the dogs whilst you ‘sort dinner’ (chuck some jacket potatoes in the oven and enjoy the quiet).

jelliebelly · 19/08/2018 12:38

It'll only get worse when you have dc in the mix - why on Earth go for 3 days? My in laws live 3 hours away and we hardly ever stay overnight - mostly because we find it stifling.

CraftyYankee · 19/08/2018 14:52

Is there a reason you can't send DH on his own and get some time to yourself? Sounds like a win win to me.

Thesearepearls · 19/08/2018 14:58

Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days

For me the limit is two days of anyone. Even my closest friends I get twitchy and intolerant after two days.

Try to get them playing games OP. We make all our guests play games. Walks with hide and seek, rounders or lawn tennis if the weather is good - if not then something indoors - a great favourite is Yahtzee but even things like bingo get the small kids counting.

Yupindeedy · 19/08/2018 15:04

If any in law looked at me funny for having a 2nd glass of wine, I’d have a third or more for sure just to spite them.

My advice... if you can’t avoid them then at least refuse to change for them. Carry on your business as per any normal day or what you’d do at home. They appear to be making you miserable so stop allowing it and be yourself instead.

happypoobum · 19/08/2018 15:07

I don't understand why you have to go with DH every time? I would just stay at home and go maybe every third trip. If she doesn't like it, so what really?

You appear to be too concerned with her disapproval.

When they visit, go out to prearranged things with friends. If she says anything just ignore her or give her a big smile. Take the dogs out on your own. If she tries to come along say no, you are leaving right now and want to do it alone. Tell her you need to spend some time alone. What is she going to do about it?

I am sorry to say this but if you don't sort out boundaries now, things are going to get far worse when you have DC, not better.

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