To not give DS gift from estranged ILs?

[Saltycinnamon]

My DH had a big bust up with his parents a few months ago, he has seen them maybe twice since, DS (6) and I haven't seen or spoken to them at all.

DS turns 6 next week & they have sent a card & a gift. AIBU to not want to give it to him? My logic is that they have essentially erased us from their lives. The bust up was nasty but nothing to do with DS or me. They haven't asked after either of us when they have seen DH. DS has stopped asking about them & why we haven't seen them. He'll start asking questions again & I don't want him to feel rejected as I know my DH does. It just seems like it'd stir it all up again.

So AIBU to keep the card & gift away from him or so I give it to him with vague answers about Granny being v busy etc? I'm loath to make excuses for them as their behaviour has been v poor & we have never had a good relationship but that's not something for DS to know about at 6. If they wanted to have a proper relationship & see him regularly, even send each other notes etc I'd 100% facilitate that but I'm not going to beg them to see their grandson.

AIBU?

So your dh has seen them? What, gone round to theirs?

They obviously haven’t erased DS from their lives if they’ve sent stuff. IMO it would be U to withhold the gift.

Maelstrop he's bumped into them, we live in the same town.

Lots of children don't see their grandparents for many different reasons. I'd give DS the gift with as little fuss a possible and if he asks about seeing DH's parents just say, "soon".

This primarily your DHs decision, not yours to make

Yes I think you are. They've sent a card and a present in celebration of his birthday. As you say, the row was nothing to do with him (or you). Maybe you ought to go and see them, or write a letter, maybe? You don't know why they haven't been in touch, do you? Maybe they are upset? Maybe they think their attempts at rapprochement wouldn't be welcome? Maybe check has told them not to get in touch with you?

Personally, I'd be going round there to visit, and take ds, and see what it's all about. It's not fair to deprive D's of loving grandparents if it's all a big misunderstanding.

Smellbellina I get what you're saying but it feels controlling to me. We're not good enough to phone or visit but they'll send something because that's the 'done thing'.

I don't want my DS to know about the relationship breaking down but I don't really want to cover for them either.

I think I am being U maybe.

You should give him the present. They are still his grandparents and he should have the option to have a relationship with them, this is your DH's argument not your sons.

Also (without wanting to sound insensitive), your IL's won't be around one day and your son will be upset his grandparents are no longer with us, if he ever found out you hid presents and cards from him he may end up resenting you and cause friction between the both of you, then you might end up not seeing your grandchildren for months....

Yeah, I’d feel like throwing it in the bin tbh, but ‘objective me’ says they’ve not fallen out with him and perhaps just give him the present with no fuss and if he asks, just say they’ve been really busy and ‘soon’.

Return it . Don't allow your ds to big them up in his mind.
She is trying to make your ds question your decision when he is older.

But dm /df she always sent me presents..
She can't be that bad...
You get to decide who is in your ds's life.
She isn't so make it so.
Been in your shoes, sent it back recorded delivery.

Maybe DH (check? wtf?)

l think you must give the gift and card to your DS, l am sorry but imho it is not yours to deny him. is there any possibility that this is an olive branch OP

I've never had a great relationship with them & I've never visited them without DH. We've been together a long time & it's always been tepid at best!

I think I'm over thinking it. At 6 (next week!) DS will accept a vague answer in the excitement of his birthday & if nothing's changed by his next birthday I think we're in a different situation.

I have the same issue, I don't want my DC manipulated by gifts, I just don't want them to possess them. I don't want to return gifts in case they are sent back again, I don't want to smash them up and throw them away, or rather I do want to, but I restrain myself. What I have done is buy them off DC, bury them under a pile of trash in the attic, and say tell DC that they have been disposed of.

I think you should either give him the gift and tell him who it's from or return it to them but be aware that returning the gift may burn that bridge even further.

I have the same issue, I don't want my DC manipulated by gifts, I just don't want them to possess them. I don't want to return gifts in case they are sent back again, I don't want to smash them up and throw them away

Exactly. We pop ours into a local charity shop.

You're the parent. You choose.

I think it depends on the bust up.

My grandmother shunned my mum when she decided to step away from being a Jehovah's Witnesses. I was shunned by default and to this day I don't forgive her (she's dead and we did eventually have contact).

My son doesn't see some family members but this is due to a bust up between DH and them. But when we do see them, they are cordial to DS and want to speak to him. I heard they didn't like the way I didn't reach out to them but I didn't even know what was happening so why I'm to blame, I ignore it all. I would never turn away their attempts to show my son they do think about him, just like mother never actually stopped my grandmother from sometimes speaking to me at family functions.

Your DS will grow and make his own mind up. Agift is hardly controling behaviour, can always stop things if they progress.

I am n/c with my own parents. The cheques they sent to the children this year were shredded along with the cards. I wouldn't give ds the gift. In my opinion it's wheedling their way back in without addressing the issues that caused the conflict in the first place.

I was originally going to send the cheques back. But someone in here said I'd be engaging with them, which I don't want to do.

I'd send it back and have done exactly that myself with cards/gifts from my own in-laws.

You're a family - you, your DH, and DS - and as such you come as a package so they don't get to pick and choose which if you they do/don't have a relationship with, from the sounds of it they don't make that much effort with you and DS anyway.

Returning the gift just seems so inflammatory & I don't want that. I don't think they're loving grandparents tbh, I would never just erase a grandchild from my life. They could phone me, my parents, family friends in common if they wanted to see him or even ask how he is, they haven't done that. I know I would if I was them.

I'm in two minds over this one, what has your DH said?
We have no relationship with in laws at all anymore and haven't for years, they did try to send gifts one year for my child, but the card to my LO actually had a dig in it about me and was sent to my mums house!! It was pure mind games to try and upset me rather than the actual gift to a LO from loving grandparents....
It all depends on what's happened with the argument and why no contact has been made for your LO since. It could be an olive branch but it could also be like others say a control thing etc, after my past experiences I always approach with caution but as I don't know your in laws I will stay neutral and say you and OH decide together..... I would not return to sender tho, even after my experience I was absolutely livid but I didn't return to sender as it would only add fuel to the fire and make things worse or in my case give them the reaction they craved and me be the bad person.

I’m going against the majority here but I think you should return the gift to the grandparents.

Love and time is much more important than material items. It appears to me that they’re trying to make themselves feel better about the estrangement without having to put any emotion or real effort in.

DH is a bit lost over it all tbh. I'm obviously biased in this (but I'm not afraid to tell him when he's wrong!) but I do think DH has been treated v badly by his parents & doesn't deserve it.

An earlier poster nailed it really - their love & time is what I want for both DH & DS not their gifts to tick the box.

It's not fair to bring a 6 year old child into this fallout your DD has had with his parents. That's their argument no one elses and certainly not your ds's.
I get youre not particularly in love with your in laws. However by denying your little one his gift from them. It'll be him you're hurting.

Baby spider I get what you're saying but he won't notice the lack of gift from ILs, he's forgotten them! My concern is that giving the gift rakes it up & gets him involved. He's currently oblivious!