To not give DS gift from estranged ILs?

[Saltycinnamon]

My DH had a big bust up with his parents a few months ago, he has seen them maybe twice since, DS (6) and I haven't seen or spoken to them at all.

DS turns 6 next week & they have sent a card & a gift. AIBU to not want to give it to him? My logic is that they have essentially erased us from their lives. The bust up was nasty but nothing to do with DS or me. They haven't asked after either of us when they have seen DH. DS has stopped asking about them & why we haven't seen them. He'll start asking questions again & I don't want him to feel rejected as I know my DH does. It just seems like it'd stir it all up again.

So AIBU to keep the card & gift away from him or so I give it to him with vague answers about Granny being v busy etc? I'm loath to make excuses for them as their behaviour has been v poor & we have never had a good relationship but that's not something for DS to know about at 6. If they wanted to have a proper relationship & see him regularly, even send each other notes etc I'd 100% facilitate that but I'm not going to beg them to see their grandson.

AIBU?

It's not your card and gift but your child's, who should receive them.

I hope your husband and in laws are able to repair the relationship.

Do you want your child to think that his grandparents don't care about him enough to send him a card and present for his birthday? There's your answer.

Bezm - obviously not

I don't want him to suddenly realised he's not seen them for the last 6 months & start wondering why. He's turning 6 so almost 9 months without contact is a significant chunk of time.

There’s a bit of me that would want to know what was in it before I handed it over, but unless it’s something unpleasant it’s not yours to hold back.

I'd give him the present and the card. I think it's weird and controlling to throw out someone else's gift or to return it even. I wouldn't think very highly of my parents if they'd done similar. He's a child. Don't drag him into it. Give the present and be done with it.

I think it really depends on all that's gone on, not just the one row.

Presents & birthdays are often used by toxic people to manipulate others, but that doesn't mean that's what's going on here. (We can't know that.)

If you do decide to give it to your son, I would open it all first (and then re-wrap it) to check there are no hurtful comments hidden inside.

Thanks for all of the comments, it's interesting to read different people's takes on this.

I don't for a minute think that there's anything horrible in the gift or that there's any real ulterior motive other than to make themselves feel better & to tell other people. Even the fact that they posted it annoys me, they must drive past the end of our road at least daily in & out of town.

In terms of withholding the gift being controlling, maybe it is, but I think my job as his mum is to protect him from unnecessary pain - emotional or physical. I can only this gift sparking off his thoughts about where they are & why have they not been in touch. In answering those questions I'll have to tell him the truth (not keen on that, it's not necessary info for him) or lie (also not keen).

Finally - some of you get it & some don't. It's not about the gift. It's about a complete lack of interest, care or communication for months being 'cancelled out' by a gift. I want them to want to see him & love him, not ignore us.

So birthday today - gift is age 4-5 (clearly labelled) shorts. It's his 6th birthday. Also sent a 'Happy 6th Birthday' card so they obviously haven't forgotten how old he is.

Interesting choice - what's the psychology behind that?! We can't (& wouldn't because it would be rude) make any comment about the shorts being the wrong size. We'll be expected to send a thank you card or the etiquette police will arrest us (or something). So they get to send us a clearly inappropriate gift & we have to be grateful or are labelled as rude

Well played ILs.