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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Money mine, his or ours aibu?

35 replies

Belle1616 · 18/08/2018 19:28

SO.... backstory... I had a baby in August. Got made redundant. OH works but got an injury meaning he was bedbound for 3 months and his work don’t do sick pay so was on SSP. When I was on maternity he was paying the lions share of the bills.

I have savings and he asked if he could borrow money off me to pay his share of the bills and things as I have savings and he doesn’t. That money was earmarked for us to move house and stuff.

Prior to this I had loaned him money to do a course for his job so he could get a better salary etc.

He always promised on the arrival of his new salary that he would pay me back, but now is saying that he only needs to pay me back the money for his course. As the rest was for us to live. I think he needs to pay it back as I saved bloody hard! It’s about £4,000 Who is bu?

OP posts:
Original poster
Belle1616 · 18/08/2018 19:29

Just to add still hasn’t paid me anything btw...

OP posts:
ReservoirDogs · 18/08/2018 19:34

I don't understand people who can commit to having a baby together when they can't treat money as family money but each tl their own.

In your situation I think I agree that you should foot the bills when he is on ssp like he did when you were on maternity!!

Iknowwhoyouare123 · 18/08/2018 19:34

That was used to keep a roof over your heads? Have you paid him back for your mat leave then?

You're a team or not.

LeroyJenkins · 18/08/2018 19:34

so what happens if you dont loan him money to pay the bills?

Are you a team or not?

Ginmakesitallok · 18/08/2018 19:36

All money is our money. We are a family. Yabu

NapQueen · 18/08/2018 19:36

If you are a couple, with a kid together, in a home, then the bills need paying. Whatever money is available between you should be used to pay the bills.

He is off because he is sick. How is he able to pay the usual outgoings on SSP?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 18/08/2018 19:37

What they said. ^

Glumglowworm · 18/08/2018 19:37

you have a child together ffs!

He supported you all while you were on mat leave (as he should) but you resent supporting you all now he’s bedbound for 3 months?!

iLoveSpaDays · 18/08/2018 19:37

Mine & DH wages get paid into the same account as were a family and share money. We have a separate account for our baby Dds money

Ellapaella · 18/08/2018 19:38

Sorry but if the shoe was on the other foot how would you feel?
He needed to keep a roof over your heads and feed himself too. He shouldn't have had to borrow money from you, you should have just supported him through that time imo.
I'm afraid I'm inclined to agree with him. I earn a tiny fraction of what my husband brings in - his salary covers all our essential outgoings including food shopping, he would never tell me I owed him a penny. I don't get that way of thinking at all.
If he lost his job tomorrow I'd be going back to work full time and supporting him in a heart beat. Shared children, shared home = shared money.

peachgreen · 18/08/2018 19:38

You're a family. He supported you when you were on mat leave. You supported him when he was on SSP. Together you support your family. All this talk of mine and yours is just daft in your situation.

MysteriousQuinn · 18/08/2018 19:41

Right so you had a baby with this bloke but your not willing to cover him financially when he has had an accident that has rendered him unable to work Hmm
I don't get this at all. Me and DH have seperate money but we are still a team especially when the shit hits the fan. The bills have to be paid either way. YABU.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/08/2018 19:44

How would you have funded your life while he was off sick if you hadn’t used your savings? Are you suggesting that while he was bed bound you didn’t use your savings to keep a roof over yours and your baby’s heads?

Bizarre.

fontofnoknowledge · 18/08/2018 19:45

That money was earmarked for us to move house and stuff.

... unless you were planning on moving by yourself then it was money saved for a joint house move. You both need to save again.
Did he use the savings for anything personally for him ? If not you are being bizarre.

Celestia26 · 18/08/2018 19:57

I can't fathom this.

Every penny my husband and I earn goes into one account. There is no 'his' money or 'my' money, there is just 'our' money.

All expenditures are made together, any debt is shared.

In the (hopefully unlikely) event we ever split, everything will be split down the middle, regardless of who actually contributed what amount.

I can't imagine another way to do it really. If you are having a child with someone and living together, shouldn't everything be shared.

So in a roundabout way, YABVU.

leighdinglady · 18/08/2018 20:45

How ridiculous and selfish. Get a grip. Did you want to pay the bills or not?

TheBrilloPad · 18/08/2018 20:49

He paid the lions share of the bills when you were on maternity and couldn't afford it, you pay the lions share when he's on SSP and can't afford it. You are the one being UR.

LeroyJenkins · 18/08/2018 20:53

@Belle1616, are you coming back?

Allthewaves · 18/08/2018 20:53

In this situation you are being ridiculous. He kept you during your maternity and presumably he's paying now if your not working. Why did you have to lend him money for the bills? Why on earth did you pay the bills?

whathaveiforgottentoday · 18/08/2018 21:01

Are you planning a long term future with your OH? If so, you need to have a proper chat about finances. Does he have a problem with money that makes you uncomfortable with sharing your finances ?

Original poster
Belle1616 · 18/08/2018 22:00

Ok yes I’m back...

I have a job now, and I still paid for stuff whilst on maternity.

I get annoyed because he’s is awful with money. He was off work with an injury caused by his hobby which is dangerous also. He cannot save at all. And I really scrimp. We have many conversations about money and he says he will be better but then is coming home with new shoes the next day. I guess that’s my issue. I’d he were more responsible overall I wouldn’t care.

OP posts:
Ivorbig1 · 18/08/2018 22:13

You live together and have a child, sit down and decide how things are going to work financially between you from now on. It seems you want to keep things separate therefore for peace and love I’d say the course should be paid back but not the living expenses.
You better hope he never wins the lottery or comes into money because by your own standards you will stand to get goose egg.

ShumpaLumpa · 18/08/2018 22:26

If he promised you £4k he should give you £4k. Can you compromise and ask for £2k, as he paid bills during your ML?

I suggest that you keep a secret savings account that's just for you, not for the household. He can have his own if he wants. Don't tell him about yours.

Metoodear · 18/08/2018 22:37

When you together it’s family money their is no mine or yours

Tbh I think if you don’t know that then you would rethink relationship

Howhot · 18/08/2018 22:47

How can you even think like this? If you have issues with his spending habits that's a different issue. But I think expecting him to pay you back money you needed for bills when he was off work injured is really shitty.