Money mine, his or ours aibu?

[Belle1616]

SO.... backstory... I had a baby in August. Got made redundant. OH works but got an injury meaning he was bedbound for 3 months and his work don’t do sick pay so was on SSP. When I was on maternity he was paying the lions share of the bills.

I have savings and he asked if he could borrow money off me to pay his share of the bills and things as I have savings and he doesn’t. That money was earmarked for us to move house and stuff.

Prior to this I had loaned him money to do a course for his job so he could get a better salary etc.

He always promised on the arrival of his new salary that he would pay me back, but now is saying that he only needs to pay me back the money for his course. As the rest was for us to live. I think he needs to pay it back as I saved bloody hard! It’s about £4,000 Who is bu?

You are a family, you have a child together, you should be helping each other out in times of need.

If my husband told me he was expecting me to pay back ‘my share’ from when I was on mat leave we’d be getting divorced. Utterly disgraceful.

I get what you're saying op but if you can afford to save £4K then surely you don't begrudge your partner buying a new pair of shoes? It's ok to treat yourself from time to time.
Honestly I think if this was a man writing this about his female partner there would be hell on!

You saved it, it's your money, he should pay you back.

I don't think it matters if others agree with your arrangement or not.

You need to rethink this relationship. You resent him for not earning enough, for not paying ‘your money’ back even though you love this man enough to have a child with him. It’s not your money, it’s money for the family - for the family to live. Gosh - imagine if the shoe was on the other foot. YabVu.

If you can't say 'all money is our money' then you aren't in any kind of relationship.

Hmmm I’d be inclined to let it go. You have a child together - so all money should be family money. If he was being irresponsible wasting it continuously then I’d have concerns but it’s not his fault that he’s unfit for work. With regards to the course money, it’s so he can get a better salary and improve the family unit’s overall quality of life. That training wouldn’t of gone to waste - he just needs to get his health in order. Sorry OP, I think it’s a bit harsh to expect it back (even if he said he’d pay it back), you’re a family and that should mean you work together with your finances.

If he can’t be trusted to save money, could you not have a discussion with him and agree to save money in a joint savings account but only you have a card with access to it. Presumably he knows you can be trusted to save so it’d be in his best interests to agree.

We do have joint as well as separate finances, so I don't agree all money is joint money, if your DH just couldn't hold down a job, or was wasting money, I'd see your point, but he's injured and only gets SSP , he covered your mat leave, it's your turn.

Would it be possible to set up an account, where a certain % of your money goes into to pay bills, then you each get some money to go into individual accounts for your own spends, which your DP can squander if he wants to. Obviously this will be dependant on when he starts earning money again. If you are also trying to save money to move, then you should set up a savings account for that, which DP can't access, if he is not very good with money.

I can understand where you are coming from but you are obviously wrong in this case as you really need to support him when he is unable to work. However ... your resentment is coming from your different approach to dealing with money and this needs resolving. If he is a spender, he is unlikely to change his ways, in the same way as you will be uncomfortable not being careful with money. I suggest you you work out all your bills (including food, petrol and all day to day costs) and some sort of saving plan and both put an appropriate amount into a joint account - work it out proportionally so you both end up with roughly the same amount of money in your own accounts. Then the money left in your own accounts is yours to do with as you see fit.

This works for me and my DH (who was/is an spender). He still buys expensive shit from time to time and i bite my tongue but its a hell of a lot better than it was. We do buy some joint things from our own accounts particularly holidays and round xmas time but I would have killed or divorced him long ago if we had just one account. Plus I think he would have done the same if he couldn't do a bit of retail therapy from time to time.

Put your resentment away for now and support him whilst he's ill and then sort our your joint finances.

You need to sit down work out a family budget, allocate money for yourselves and then work on raising the DC you have together. I am making the assumption that this is a DC you both are parents for?
I am struggling to believe you expect him to pay you back money for basic bills when he was on SSP, is this how you would want to be treated, you are a family.