To wonder why my in laws don't like me?

[sorryihaventacluetoo]

Have name changed because this is potentially outing.

I've been with my DP for over 12 years and have never been able to foster a good relationship with his family, and I can't work out why.

On the surface everything looks fine, in fact they'd probably not think there was a real issue at all. But our relationships have no depth whatsoever, and any attempt by me to introduce a topic that isn't weather, kids funny antics, holiday plans etc is just met with blankness.

For example, I lost a baby. It was a late miscarriage and I was pretty traumatised. Nobody has ever mentioned it. I currently have PND and have been pretty open about it, again they are completely uninterested in how I'm getting on. My DF had a cancer scare and nobody has asked how he is. My DS has recently been diagnosed with ASD and yep, you've guessed, it hasn't been mentioned since we told them.

My FIL died a few years ago, and I made a point of checking in (gently, not incessantly) with everybody to see how they were getting on and letting them know I was there for them if they needed to talk. I ask after their relatives that are sick. I send postcards from the kids and things they've made at nursery etc. And if it weren't for me my DH would never speak to them, because he's crap at phoning them.

But I get nothing back. Just surface chit chat. Nobody ever asks how I am. Just after the kids or DH's work. It's not outright hostility, but it's not warmth either.

AIBU to think I must have upset or offended them somehow? Surely I'm family too?

Maybe his family are just not into talking about their feelings?

Imo back away and enjoy the peace!!
Flogging a dead horse must be bloody draining.
They clearly are not interested in your lives. Back away before they realise they need help in their dotage and you fit the bill.

It just sounds like that’s what they’re like - not ones for sharing feelings or expressing their emotions. It doesn’t sound personal. But that said I would struggle with this too as it’s not the usual closeness you expect from family. But you can’t make them what they aren’t

Some people are just not interested in anyone else. No matter who they are.

I’d just leave it and wait for them to come to you.

But I'm expected to be nice and smile and behave impeccably when I'm around them, which is hard when they clearly don't give a shit about me!

Don't be around them then.
Simple.
When youngest dc stopped bf I sent dh to see his dm with dc without me.
Bliss.

Sounds your DH isn’t bothered about phoning them unless you force him and his family are the same . It’s just how some family’s are we are not the type to do family holidays and meals out etc. Just be thankful it’s all civil I would say

They do holidays and family meals out. We've been away with them and spent many Christmases with them. But they don't actually care about me as a person, which hurts.

I don't think that they don't like you. Some people just don't talk about anything beyond the weather, kids etc... Are they different with your dh? If not, then I'd say its just them. They sound just like my in laws actually. I find it odd but they are like that with everyone (including my dh) so I know its nothing personal. They remind me of a Victorian family (or the clicked version) where feelings and deep conversation were off limits and all everyone talked off was the weather and needle work!

I have a similar situation with my Dad. He never asks anything at all about me. I got made redundant just before Xmas and I decided not to tell him until he asked about my work - I'm still waiting. He is really only interested in what he is doing. If prompted by me starting a conversation he will ask about the DC but normally nowadays I just ask about him.

I don't have any advise, sorry, but it may not be because they don't like you but just because they only think of themselves.

Agree with pp, take a step back from all the extra things you are doing and just mirror their levels of effort and kindness. That doesn't mean you can't be perfectly pleasant to them and have a civil relationship. Sounds like they are just not interested, not your fault. Do they have friends?

Why are you putting yourself through this? Take the lead from your DH, don't call them.

Stop spending Xmas with them.

Do they show interest in DH, or or their other DILs?

I know where you’re coming from. It’s as if I don’t have a wider family beyond dh and dc. I’ve just stopped asking about their wider family. They’ve all met my wider family so they do know who they are.

I think they just sound asocial. It’s not personal.

I would hate it, because I come from an extremely close, emotionally open family. But what you're describing is probably normal for your in laws. Some people just don't talk about emotional issues. I know a woman who had 3 late miscarriages and never even discussed them with her mum. Her DH told his mum because he needed to talk about it.

If this is just how they are you'll have to accept them. Be pleasant and friendly. Try not to take it personally.

There was a long thread on here recently about people whose own families are like this - nothing important ever discussed, only superficial things. It's much more likely to be the way they operate, rather than anything to do with you.

Do you think you’re being a bit needy and sensitive?

I too can't imagine it's personal. I have a very superficial relationship with my half DBro. We get on great but he shuts me down the minute I try and talk about anything with depth. It's all surface stuff only. He is quite a bit older than me and left home in the summer as I was born in the Autumn. I love him but we have no closeness. I know he cares for me too and I would love for us to talk about the nitty gritty of life and people we have in common but it's never going to happen and yet there's no malice. It's just the way he is.

They sound a bit like my in laws. I honestly think that they just don’t have any interest or opinion on anything that didn’t happen to them in the last 18 hours. People are just different I guess.

sorryihaventacluetoo I wouldn't waste your energy worrying about it. I have been with my OH for over 18yrs. We are not married (which I think is a big issue) We have had a number of issues over the years. Some led to NC but that was down to OH. However I would say that my relationship with the outlaws has always been rather superficial. I had the same disinterest when I had a number of relatives die. Also when I had a late missed miscarriage or when my DS2 had a number of health issues. I think the could be MIL said 'I didn't think she wanted more anyway' when I had my missed miscarriage. I know what they are like and they are too old to change. I don't take things personally and will do what I always do when they come. I actually get on well with the could be MIL but it took 16-17yrs to get there. People don't always react in the way we would expect or hope. Some cant cope with 'emotional' stuff and park it and move on. Maintain your dignity and learn to accept this is who they are. You will then be able to manage the relationship

I think that their reaction to you is entirely about THEM I think some people's comments about families not always being able to talk about emotions. This may be it.

I also think some people are only interested in themselves

I had this realisation about my IL as my kids got older and I noticed that it was me that did all the work. My parents are the same.

Find relationships with others & be prepared they may call on you when they become more frail. They suddenly find your number then ime

Why are you expected to be nice and pleasant? I mean what makes you think this?

I'm sorry about your late loss OP. I cannot get my head around nobody asking how you are or not expressing their sadness, that's just plain mean.

Could it be they're just not any good at empathy or emotions? I would stop making an effort now OP as it doesn't get you anywhere. If you have to see them be polite and make boring chat but stop asking how they are and sending cards etc.

I’m sorry to hear this.

I’ve had a late miscarriage and also the death of a living baby, but my in laws haven’t mentioned it since the funeral either. Our topics of conversation and very limited but DH assures me this is just what they are like.

DH family is exactly the same and I find it really difficult and awkward 7 years into the relationship and they don’t know a thing about me nor me about them - very kind and generous in all other ways but socially silent and awkward - DH said they’ve always been like it, it’s hard not to take it personally though. Always feel like the odd one out so I keep my distance .

You said your dc has just been diagnosed with ASD. Is one of dhs parents on the spectrum which might explain their social awkwardness?
I would just accept them as they are. Its all they know Expect nothing so you won't be disappointed.