To expect my teenagers to help round the house?

[Nottoomuchtoask]

I don't ask my teenage DC to do a lot. In terms of day to day chores they keep their rooms reasonably tidy and generally clear up after themselves- so at the moment in summer hols if they make food during the day they clean up any mess. Beyond that they don't have regular stuff to do but that's on the basis that when I do need them to help me they will.

Which brings us to today. They've been away for a few days (one at dad's, one seeing friends) as I was away with work. I've got a few people coming for a bbq tomorrow so asked the teenagers for some help getting the garden ship shape. I'd told them about this last weekend (it rained then so we couldn't do anything) and basically got a load of abuse abput how they're not doing it, one is going out to watch football at a mates so doesn't have Time...the other one is too tired.

I'm tired too. And now I've got to do the whole garden myself. Plus a weeks worth of housework and shop for the bloody bbq too.

I'm really cross with how ungrateful thry're being. They think its unfair cos their friends never have to do this stuff- which is true but is because:

2 friends live in a flat
Several others have mums who don't work and never have
The rest are in 2 parent families so theres a dad to pitch in and help out which is something we don't have
Or a couple are really well off and have cleaners and gardeners

I can't do all this myself. I'm now feeling really stressed and anxious as to how I can possibly get all the garden done and sort the house out before tomorrow. The people coming are ones who will comment if my house or garden look shit, so it does matter and I do need to get it done.

So if I'm not BU how do I get them to help?

YANBU - however where you are unreasonable is not making them help out around the house from when they were little.

Children need to learn there are no-one is their servant and there are no magic fairies who do housework, so if they make a mess they need to clean it up where ever it is in the house and that keeping things clean is everyone who lives in the household's job.

Now you are just going to have to have arguments with them about helping out. In fact you need to give them household chores that they do weekly regardless whether they are at school or on holiday. The only time you can ignore them not doing their chores is a month before exams and during the exam period.

Yes to what BlueBug says.

I feel your pain.

You are understandably miffed and upset.

A certain "laying down of the law" may be required, lets just say.

Teens need to understand its not a "one way street". I've never fitted the "wee slavey" character. Young, fit, able teens should pull their weight.

They have done small jobs from when they were small, they were always expected to do tidy up time from when they were little and put toys and books away nicely. They have been getting their own breakfast and wiping up spills etc since age 4 or 5. They do now tidy their rooms and make beds - I am happy to cook in the evenings and wash up if they put stuff in the sink, they can do laundry if needed (and do if they need something washed urgently but I prefer to do it myself as a rule, ditto vacuuming and dusting). It's stuff like the garden which is heavy work and easy for more people that I really need them to help eith every now and again - however much I asked them to do in the house I still couldn't manage the garden alone though they seem to think I can/ should because no one else they know has to do it.

What's the point being a parent at all if you can't get your kids to help out? I'm going to have my girls in the primark factory as soon as their little fingers are able to thread shoelaces.

Tell them to get off their arses and get in the garden.

You need to lay it on the line OP.

Paddington hard stare and ask them to think through what they are saying. Tell them that what you hear is:

‘Mum, we don’t care that you work hard to provide a nice life for us. We don’t care that if we don’t help you will have to do all the heavy work yourself. We know you haven’t got time to do it to the standard you want it done so will exhaust yourself and risk injury. We know that we are stronger and fitter than you but still think we shouldn’t help because we don’t want too’

I would ask them to confirm this is actually what they mean.

If (and it’s a big if) they have the cheek to say ‘yes mum that’s about the size of it’

I would say:

‘That’s absolutely fine boys. But just listen here a minute. I’ve been chatting to some of my friends and they say they don’t give their teens allowances so you won’t be getting yours anymore. Oh and I don’t want to drive you to your mates/school/club/whenever any more so I won’t be doing that. Oh and I’ve decided that since I’m the only one earning and cooking I will only be cooking my favourites from now on because apparently in this family we just look after number one’

Some progress. One is willing to help. However (rightly) insists they both need to pitch in. The other is completely unwilling. Too tired, it's wet outside, just a team of excuses.

Unfortunately I don't give allowances or pay for phones their dad does all that so I can't bargain with it.

Put your DC issues aside for a moment - why are you inviting such judgemental people to your house? If they are your friends, they shouldn't give a damn on the state of your house or garden. Why give yourself extra stress over a bbq?

Any normal house-proud person cares about what people think when they come over, how is that abnormal?

It's arranged...my turn to host. But I am feeling completely overwhelmed with everything I have to do in he next 24hrs.

‘Mum, we don’t care that you work hard to provide a nice life for us. We don’t care that if we don’t help you will have to do all the heavy work yourself. We know you haven’t got time to do it to the standard you want it done so will exhaust yourself and risk injury. We know that we are stronger and fitter than you but still think we shouldn’t help because we don’t want too’

Brilliant.

I have insisted my sons help me on the garden. I needed the help and I told them it wasn't optional. That it was the outside equivalent of clearing the table.

Unfortunately I am still trying to get them moving. Running out of time now.

Who's idea was it to have the BBQ?
If your inviting your friends round and its nothing to do with them then tbh I don't think they should have to help you tidy it if they have other plans, it would me nice if they wanted to help but they don't.
That is of course seperate to clearing up after themselves and keeping their room tidy that needs to be done regardless.

Yes its my friends but teenagers were well aware of this last weekend and have made plans since. I can't do the garden single handed it is too much work for one person!

Unfortunately I don't give allowances or pay for phones their dad does all that so I can't bargain with it.

Do they use your WiFi? Eat the treats you buy? See friends in your house? Have access to Your TV? Cut it all. They’re all privileges. Cut all privileges. They can earn them.

Oh and lifts anywhere. Cut that too.

I just can't believe that a teenager is telling his parent he is not helping and is to tired.Where do you find these ungrateful kids from.
You have been working all week/shopping/washing/cleaning etc they would have short shrift if they where mine.
My granddsons are 19 & 22 and they help their mother every week-end with heavy jobs without asking what needs to be done she also works full time and they respect her for it.

basically got a load of abuse abput how they're not doing it

nice.

its horrible isn't it OP.

Nothing constructive to add, I know I'd just be swimming in a tide of resentment and anger (I don't know if thats healthy though). If I Was A Bird probably right - the only thing you can do is get on with your own life and screw them and their attitude.

Forget the "nice place for a BBQ" I'm sure your friends would understand, especially if you tell them! I wouldn't invite your teens to it btw (if that was the plan).

God it really annoys me how lazy and entitled some kids are (not having a go at you OP). I have the same - 2 DSC (10 & 13) who can’t (won’t) do anything for themselves. I almost had a breakdown at breakfast this morning when the 13 year old cried because she can’t ‘make toast and I wouldn’t do it for her.

Totally understand you being houseproud - i’m exactly the same.

We’re doing these kids no favours by pandering to them. How do they learn independence?

Apparently they doing nothing at their mums (that’s fine, if she wants to baby them). I’ve got 2 DSC (10 & 13) who until have never washed a dish, loaded a dishwasher, used a washing machine, made toast (for gods sake), cooked a meal.

Me & my OH have stopped pandering to them and remind them that in a family we all pull our weight.

Send them to their fathers. Get pizza for you and friends. Tell them to stay with pa until theyre ready to apologize to you.

If only. Unfortunately their father is the sort of manchild who despite being in his 50s still lives with his mum who does everything for him (see where my kids get it from) and there's no spare room so they can only sleep on the sofa and visit one at a time and only for a couple of days as neither will (understandably) sleep on the floor.

However some progress has been made they have left their rooms and are looking for gardening gloves. Fingers crossed.

Good! WiFi/Tv and BBQ food privileges returned when job is done.

Oh well done nottoomuch, fingers crossed they get to work. Good luck. Have great party.

Good! Hope it gets done OP and you have a lovely rest of the weekend.