To expect my teenagers to help round the house?

[Nottoomuchtoask]

I don't ask my teenage DC to do a lot. In terms of day to day chores they keep their rooms reasonably tidy and generally clear up after themselves- so at the moment in summer hols if they make food during the day they clean up any mess. Beyond that they don't have regular stuff to do but that's on the basis that when I do need them to help me they will.

Which brings us to today. They've been away for a few days (one at dad's, one seeing friends) as I was away with work. I've got a few people coming for a bbq tomorrow so asked the teenagers for some help getting the garden ship shape. I'd told them about this last weekend (it rained then so we couldn't do anything) and basically got a load of abuse abput how they're not doing it, one is going out to watch football at a mates so doesn't have Time...the other one is too tired.

I'm tired too. And now I've got to do the whole garden myself. Plus a weeks worth of housework and shop for the bloody bbq too.

I'm really cross with how ungrateful thry're being. They think its unfair cos their friends never have to do this stuff- which is true but is because:

2 friends live in a flat
Several others have mums who don't work and never have
The rest are in 2 parent families so theres a dad to pitch in and help out which is something we don't have
Or a couple are really well off and have cleaners and gardeners

I can't do all this myself. I'm now feeling really stressed and anxious as to how I can possibly get all the garden done and sort the house out before tomorrow. The people coming are ones who will comment if my house or garden look shit, so it does matter and I do need to get it done.

So if I'm not BU how do I get them to help?

In this house we generally go by the rule of “your mess, your job to tidy up”.

That means the DC (ages 8-14) are not only responsible for their own bedrooms (tidy, cleaned, hoovered), clearing the table, cleaning up spills, putting freshly ironed clothes away etc, but they also have other chores which are in areas of the house that they primarily make the mess.

We have 3 weekly chores that they alternate between:

• The upstairs bathroom that is only used by them (2 of them work together to clean this)
• The downstairs cloakroom (occasionally used by guests but on a daily basis only used by the DC)
• Downstairs floors - yes, we all use these but it’s the DC who regularly forget to take their shoes off, drop stuff, spread crumbs etc.

With them doing these weekly chores and their bedrooms, it takes a weight off me and DH so we don’t mind doing the other stuff like washing, ironing and keeping the rest of the house and garden clean and tidy.

Would something like that work?

Changing the wifi password works.

I disagree with upsideup. Re the fact it's 'your' bbq.
So?
Dh had a birthday bbq recently.

We tell ds's they have to help in the days leading up to it.
And cleaning on the day.

And at the actual party, ds1 serves drinks and ds2 helps me generally and clears plates etc.

I tell them that we are a family and we help each other, I drive them to football and have friends round for dinner (ds2 'play dates') and so this is how it works. Because we are a family.

I think the message with teens needs to be that in families people help each other out and that this is a two way street. If they don’t want to help you out maybe you won’t put yourself out next time they want a lift somewhere. I sometimes have to remind my DC that I actually have a job and it is not cleaning up after them.

Note to self.....make sure i get around to that chore chart for the 5 year old now!

Well done OP let this be the start of a new era with higher expectations. But this:
they can do laundry if needed (and do if they need something washed urgently but I prefer to do it myself as a rule, ditto vacuuming and dusting)
is what needs to change. Let/make them do this stuff.

A good start is making their own laundry entirely their responsibility. Own baskets, they do it start to finish by themselves, if they run out of clean stuff it's their problem.

Two probs really,
1 the BBQ and the garden
2 The attitude to helping
You can only appeal to them for the BBQ help and tell them you are struggling.
They are doing well if they look after their own rooms. Gradually build it up to taking turns with washing up, vacuuming, laundry, cutting the lawn. Some chore should be daily non negotiable like the washing up. Others can be extra for a little bit of cash. Your choice

I think I said "No" to my mum once, can't quite remember as I think it coincided with my last trip to LGI.

When my mum asked a question, it wasn't a question, it may have been worded like a question, hell, it may have even sounded like a question to anyone on the outside but there was only one answer, "yes mum".

What's wrong with people these days?

YANBU.
Withdrawing goodwill and interesting food is often very effective with egocentric and lazy teenagers. They need a reason to be actively useful as they don’t seem to be willing to help because it’sthe right thing to do.
There are thousands ofMNetters in the same position. Are they planning on leaving at 18?

If push comes to shove I'd just leave the garden and tell anyone who comments tomorrow that my teenage children were supposed to tidy it up but couldn't be arsed. Said DC also don't get to eat any of the BBQ food!

YANBU. Don’t go out of your way to do anything for them either. I agree with a PP that mentioned to stop being their taxi. Teenagers should most definitely help, if only to learn how to fend for themselves.

That's what you get when you raise your dc to think that the housework is only your problem. You can't blame it entirely on their dad. You reap what you sow.