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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset mil denies my son exists ?

30 replies

ILoveHumanity · 18/08/2018 12:57

Hi all,

So I gave birth few months ago. There was tension between me and sil but I remained respectful and considerate throughout however asserted myself once and as a result mil took a stance and stopped putting effort with me. I continued to put effort and after birth she decided to punish me and DH by not wanting to acknowledge the baby or see him (she works abroad but visits frequently).

For few months she acted not moved even though my baby is her first grandchild. She also refuses that I refer to her as a grandma.

Yesterday my friend bumped into her at her workplace abroad, and my friend unknowing of the context introduced herself and they got talking ... mil pretended that she is my friend.. then when friend told her that she thought she is my mother in law ( she knows surname and knows the place where she works as we discussed it before).

My mil informed my friend that she is my mil (she was caught out anyway).. and that I was still pregnant .

My friend contacted me congratulating me for the pregnancy .. haven’t spoken to my friend since birth and I hadn’t announced pregnancy before but I was about to contact her informing her of my birth.. and now I feel stuck

I don’t know how I feel except annoyed with this unnecessary lying. Perhaps it isn’t personal but it does make me wonder why she doesn’t love my son that much as usually grandparents are proud of their grandkids.

AIBU to be annoyed ? I will tell my friend the truth but I don’t like how I now have to explain mil behaviour to a casual friend ...

Am I making drama out of nothing ? Is she like this because she is upset with me ?

OP posts:

Original poster

ILoveHumanity · 18/08/2018 13:01

I feel like it’s not personal but I just want someone to help me understand how it isn’t , because I feel a bit disrespected this is not the first time she has lied to a friend . Almost as if she is ashamed of us. Or is it not how it is ??

OP posts:

BlueBug45 · 18/08/2018 13:04

Why did you pretend by staying silent?

Just tell your friend that you have given birth, the age of your child and the name of your child.

If your MIL wants to play stupid games and lie to people let her, you shouldn't lie or mislead people you get on with and trust.

Original poster

ILoveHumanity · 18/08/2018 13:07

Bluebug, I didn’t pretend. I told my friend I will call her today as she had just texted me yesterday. I wasn’t with her when it happened and I was a bit shocked and didn’t wanna sound pissed off at mil when I speak to my friend. I don’t have a very personal relationship with that friend but we are long term friends and like each other’s company and speak every now and then.

I want to inform her today that I gave birth but feeling embarrassed on behalf of mother in law

OP posts:

EachPeachPearRum · 18/08/2018 13:07

What does she want to be called? Why not just go with whatever that is? I wouldn't be putting in much effort. Let your DH deal with his mother. This isn't really your problem.

KC225 · 18/08/2018 13:08

How strange. Does your MIL have a problem with being a Grandmother? To sdescribe you as a 'friend' rather than a DIL is odd.

You don't have to explain anything. Just say, 'I don't what she is talking about, I had the baby months ago and she is perfectly aware of it' Throw the ball back in MIL's court. Let her deal with it.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/08/2018 13:13

Agree just say to friend thanks, I actually had him 9 months ago, we called him Hugo, he's doing great etc. If she says oh MIL said you were pregnant, are you pregnant again / did you not tell her etc just dismiss it. Oh that's odd, of course MIL knows about Hugo and haha no more just yet for us.

I'd stop making effort. Your DH needs to have a word though, he must be really hurt his own mother refuses to be a part of his child's life

Original poster

ILoveHumanity · 18/08/2018 13:15

Each peach - she wants to be called “aunty” by my son, but I find it wierd because that will greatly confuse him but so far I’m going along with it. I’m gonna let my husband deal with it but just am paranoid about mil resenting me further after I tell my friend that I gave birth.

Kc2225 - I think to be fair she might just have a problem with age.

OP posts:

Doingreat · 18/08/2018 13:21

She wants to be aunty to your baby... she pretends to be your friend rather than your mil... what the hell is going on? Maybe she doesn't want to be seen as getting older. She sounds a bit unhinged.

viques · 18/08/2018 13:21

I am sorry, but I am finding the fact that you are not acknowledging your child's birth , and apparently finding it hard to do so even to someone who you class as a "long term friend" even weirder than the fact that your mil is not acknowledging his existence either .

flumpybear · 18/08/2018 13:21

Your MIL sounds like she's in denial of being a granny!

KC225 · 18/08/2018 13:21

Why should she resent you? You haven't lied. Your MIL knew her colleague was your friend. Your MIL should be worrying about YOU resenting her for being a pants on fire liar and loon.

It sounds as I'd she has a massive issue with age and titles.

Enjoy your new baby OP. Do not stress about this cold fish any longer. Let your DH deal with it.

Crunchymum · 18/08/2018 13:25

So you have a baby who is a few months old? And you haven't told your friends?

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 18/08/2018 13:27

Oh dear, it definitely sounds like she's got a problem with becoming a grandma as she associates it with aging - wanting to be called "Auntie," is bizarre.

Would she prefer to be called by her Christian name, perhaps?

It sounds v. sad, tbh, taking no interest in your first grandchild because you think it makes you seem old - talk about a distorted view of life. She's going to get older regardless.

Couchpotato3 · 18/08/2018 13:28

Maybe the "Aunty" thing is cultural? I think it can be used as a mark of respect to older relatives in some cultures?

TheFrendo · 18/08/2018 13:29

You explain it to your friend by telling her your MIL is nuts.

MyDirtyLittleSecret · 18/08/2018 13:34

How will your MIL know you told your casual friend you gave birth? Is your casual friend likely to go back to confront your MIL about having lied to her? It all sounds a bit farcical to me, casual friend must be really casual, as in acquaintance rather than friend, if you haven't gotten around to telling her you gave birth months ago so why do you even care what she thinks about MIL's odd behaviour in lying? You don't have to cover up for her, you're not the one losing face, MIL is. Let DH deal with MIL, your son is a baby and he right now neither knows nor cares that his grandma would rather be known as his aunty.

BertrandRussell · 18/08/2018 13:35

This does sound like a case of “Everyone’s strange except thee and me- and sometimes I wonder about thee”

youarenotkiddingme · 18/08/2018 13:35

Just say to friend. Think our wires crossed yesterday. Little x was born on and I'm not of again. No idea what MIL was going on about 😂

That neither inflames the situation or expects you to create a web of lies to protect her.

Your job is to protect yourself and ds only.

HoppingPavlova · 18/08/2018 13:39

Don’t worry, my in-laws refuses to be called by any grandparent title. Our kids don’t have their surname. Apparently it was a huge insult so they thought they would ‘retaliate’ with that. Good O, who cares. I would have loved to have the kids call them shithead 1 and shithead 2 but alas I am a responsible grown-up ............

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 18/08/2018 13:47

@Couchpotato3

That's a really good point, "Aunty" is a respectful form of address in some cultures, that could be what she's aiming for.

It's still really odd that she doesn't want to acknowledge her own connection to her grandchild, though!

VladmirsPoutine · 18/08/2018 13:58

BertrandRussell That is a wonderful quote - applicable to so many areas and situations in life!

Salmakia · 18/08/2018 14:09

Aunty as a respectful term for older relatives is for your friends mother or grandmother. Not your own grandmother.

JessicaJonesJacket · 18/08/2018 14:37

Your MIL might be odd but from MIL's pov, a stranger said they were your great friend but didn't even know you had been pregnant and had your DS! That might have made MIL be cautious about giving out information.
She also might be one of those people who tries to keep professional boundaries at work and hence didn't want to reveal any personal details to someone she met in her workplace.

Babdoc · 18/08/2018 14:43

Hoppingpavlova I’ve just sprayed my coffee over my lap! I love the Shithead 1 and 2 idea.

Original poster

ILoveHumanity · 18/08/2018 14:54

Jessica jones yes part of me thinks so too, maybe it’s her way of keeping things professional. But then why mention my pregnancy at all lol.

Secondly, I would’ve thought it ok except , she also when with me directly doesn’t seem connected. In fact she tells us that she doesn’t yet feel connected.

To the pp saying it’s odd I haven’t told this friend. Well she is an old friend of mine and we are in totally different countries and I’m not the Facebook type. Was too busy to call her up and inform her. But as I said we speak whenever there is an occasion.

I have told all of my friends who I speak to don’t be silly.

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