To tell a relative they make me anxious

[AsYouAre]

I have a small family and there's relative who's absolutely lovely but very full on and socialising with them in person triggers my anxiety in a big way. I feel bad even saying it but she talks over you, talks non stop, asks 100 pointless questions, requires constant undivided attention, is a very full on and socially demanding person. She's an extrovert and I'm an introvert - the big difference in personalities coupled with my anxiety makes socialising with her very draining.

She wants to meet multiple times a week, invites me over for dinner all of the time, when I say I can't make it then commits me to another day, calls AT LEAST twice a day, invites herself over to my place when its not convenient, commits me to plans I've no time for and aren't convenient and tries to take up a lot of my free time. She has friends and hobbies so isn't lonely.

I keep making excuses as to why I can't make certain meet ups and dinner dates but feel like I'm being cruel making excuses all of the time. I love her to bits and think she's going to end up thinking I don't like her, which isnt true. Its not unusual for her to turn up uninvited, then I feel awkward about turning her away.

Would I be being unreasonable by telling her how I really feel or is that more mean than making excuses?

How close is this relative? Are we talking great aunt type close or your sister type close? I think that makes a difference in the way you proceed.

There is nothing wrong with reducing your contact with this person but it would’ve cruel to tell them they make your anxious. Your anxiety if your problem not theirs. It’s not their fault their personality is triggering to you they are just bring themselves. You can’t expect them to change their whole personality, it’s up to you to work on coping techniques.
I’m not without sympathy for you, I suffer from OCD and GAD myself but it’s our illness to fix.

I’ve got a good friend who just doesn’t realise that stuff like that is a lot of people’s idea of hell. She is SO outgoing. I think just say nicely but firmly “no” to the plans and ignore the calls

I think you need to stop allowing her to commit you (or pressurise you into committing) to alternative dates. Start saying something like 'no I'm not going to commit at the moment, I'm not sure what my plans are, I'll give you a ring when I can come out' Take control of arranging meet ups into your own hands. If you keep refusing and saying you will get back to her when it suits you, she might learn to start backing off a bit.
Gradually stretch out the time between meet ups, so she cottons on to the new idea of not phoning you every day.
Get an ansaphone and don't pick up when you know it is her, phone her back when you are ready.
If you answer the phone and it isn't convenient tell her ' I can't chat just now, I'm busy, I'll get back to you later' and make later a time that suits you -whether it is next day or next week.

At the moment you are letting her dictate all the terms for your relationship and you are dropping everything to fit in with her. she needs to start understanding that it is a two way thing and your life isn't run round her.

You don;t need to make excuses, or to tell her that you find her personality too much, just keep repeating 'no that isn't convenient, I've got other plans, I'll get back to you in a few days/a week/ a month' - you don't need to expand on what your other plans are, just be firm and start your sentences with 'No'.

She does sound completely overwhelming, but I'm with @gamerwidow in that your anxiety is triggered by your reaction to her, and a lack of assertiveness in dealing with her. It's not a criticism because I'm equally bad in these situations, but I do recognise that I need to learn techniques to assert my boundaries better.

As an example, I went to an event the other day that was very noisy. Someone was trying to talk to me, loudly and very close to be heard over others, and didn't know I have hyperacusis (my hearing is painfully sensitive). And I just stood and smiled and nodded. I felt like I was getting smaller and smaller as the noise got louder and louder. What I should have done was explained about my hearing, and excused myself to take a break from the noise and put my hearing aids in.

I've not been on one but you quite often get assertiveness courses at local libraries and similar. Might be worth a look? Or perhaps someone can recommend a book or online resources that might help?

She is my aunt, she's very family orientated and there's not a lot of us so myself and DM are the focus of her attention.

Currently feeling very bad as I've had to ask her not to come round this morning (she text saying she was going to)

I do make an effort to see her at least once a week, for dinner or coffee but living in each others pockets isn't practical as I have DC, nor is it manageable where my mental health is concerned

www.psychologytools.com/?s=Assertiveness+

This is a website used by mental health professionals. There are two sheets specifically on assertiveness but lots of other info on anxiety etc too.

Currently feeling very bad as I've had to ask her not to come round this morning (she text saying she was going to)

That took strength, good on you. Now you need to work on not feeling bad for prioritising yourself!

Maybe you need to text her that you're going to need to cut down the amount of face to face contact you have with her because you're finding it hard to fit everything in with the kids etc. Make it all about how you're struggling and not about her (so she can't take it personally). When you see her you could suggest a date for the next meet up so she's got something booked in and you can refer to it if she asks for anything extra 'I'm really busy but we've got x to look forward to so I'll see you then as planned'. And anytime she texts to TELL you she's coming over text straight back that you're busy. Have a list of excuses written down to refer to if necessary! Get her out of the habit of thinking she can just turn up uninvited.
I can imagine exactly how your mental health is struggling with her!!!

Does she know about your anxiety in general? I wonder if she thinks she's helping you - maybe just gently & firmly tell her that as part of you feeling ok you need time to yourself and sometimes find seeing people all the time too much. Let her know how much you love her and love to see her too.

She knows about my anxiety. I've told her on a number of occasions that sometimes I need to just not be socialising a lot but that its OK and not to worry because its just how I deal with things. I've made painfully obvious hints, emphasised on my introverted ways.

I think she took things onboard but didn't think it applied to her because she's family.

I've started to not commit to future plans and tell her "I can't commit right now as I don't know what I'll be doing" but then she'll spring something else on me out of the blue or harangue me to go for dinner that day or the following

I definitely need to work on assertiveness

WOW, that would drive me bonkers. I think I would leave the area actually! NO-one should be seeing their extended family THAT much! I see the majority of my aunts/uncles/cousins 3 or 4 times a YEAR. And that is enough frankly! There is just one aunt and one cousin who I see more regularly, and THAT is only once or twice a month.

Wanting to see an extended family member 3 or 4 times a week, and calling them twice a day, is weird and unhealthy IMO.

I have an aunt who talks absolutely constantly about the most random shit and doesn’t draw breath or remember to ask about anyone else. I’m almost sure it’s actually another form of anxiety. It’s also very annoying and draining.

I wouldn’t say she’s making you anxious but I would certainly put in far more boundaries. You don’t have to answer her calls or see her unless you want to.

Tell her you love seeing her but you have a lot on and you can only see her once a week, arranged in advance. That way you can have a proper chat and give her your full attention. If she keeps texting you in between, don't answer because you are too busy

Anne Dixon, a woman in your own right, brilliant book on assertiveness. It's old, but will be in library or get second hand on internet.
Don't beat yourself up, she sounds quite difficult, you are entitled to say no.

I agree it seems far too full on for extended family, even me and DM don't feel any need to be on the phone all of the time or meeting up day in day out.

DM gets it as bad as I do and its something we both feel is draining, but me more so than DM

Matilda that's exactly what she's like

Im going to need to have a talk where I'm firm about boundaries moving forward, knowing her how I do I just know she's going to take it personally

She's been like this as long as I've lived but I never bore the brunt of it until I moved to the area where she and DM live

I'll give an example of the 100 pointless questions thing that she does

A typical phonecall goes like this

Her: morning! What's the weather like where you are (she's only 30 mins up the road)

Me: good morning. its OK, not too bad...

Her: it's a bit chilly at ours this morning! I'm just laid in bed listening to the radio, so what is babyboo doing today (I hate that she calls me this, I'm in my mid twenties)

Me: I've got to go grocery shopping, do housework etc

Her: oooh what are you having for dinner then? I think I'm going to have insert whatever she's having

Me: that's nice, I haven't decided yet

Her: why don't you try insert whatever food its really nice and value for money, do you like insert whatever food?

Me: I guess so, yeah I don't know what I'm having yet I'm just getting ready to leave the house

Her: would you like to come over for dinner here instead? Mum can help you carry the pram up the stairs (she lives in a second floor flat with no lift access and my DM is in her sixties!)

.. It just goes on and on until I make my excuses and come off the phone.

Don't answer your phone! Send a message - Sorry, busy at the moment x and leave it at that!

I definitely should and will in future, I just feel so mean for avoiding her even though I need to put myself first

I've recently split with xDF and have purposefully avoided telling her because that'll be a green light to fuss. I definitely need some time alone

Does she live alone? Intrigued as to why she’s so interested in what you’re doing all the time. I simply can’t imagine anyone wanting to see someone else three times a week. If you like her in small doses, make a time once a week to have dinner.

Be less reachable on the phone.
Good luck.

She does live alone but likes it that way apparently, she broke up with a long term partner last year because she felt he was smothering, ironically.

Its definitely not loneliness, she's always been this way regardless of whether she's single or not

Were already meeting up once a week at the very least and I'm perfectly happy with that but it doesn't feel like enough for her

Maybe you need to text her that you're going to need to cut down the amount of face to face contact you have with her because you're finding it hard to fit everything in with the kids etc.

The risk with the above approach is that she may then offer to "help out" and you'll end up seeing her ever more!

It sounds as if you're already drawing some boundaries and
Nomorechickens' suggestion of saying that you can only meet once a week (but for a nice long chat) is good. You're saying you want to spend quality time with her, rather than hurried phone calls.

A friend of mine had this issue with a neighbour - the moment the poor woman got home from work, this neighbour was over with her DS to "have a chat and let the kids play together" (it was dinner-time)! It was so awkward, my friend had to be v. firm with her in the end as some people just don't take hints.

Can you screen your calls so you know when she’s calling and not to answer? Or maybe answer the phone but then be busy and unavailable ‘can’t talk now aunt, so busy, bye now’