To tell a relative they make me anxious

[AsYouAre]

I have a small family and there's relative who's absolutely lovely but very full on and socialising with them in person triggers my anxiety in a big way. I feel bad even saying it but she talks over you, talks non stop, asks 100 pointless questions, requires constant undivided attention, is a very full on and socially demanding person. She's an extrovert and I'm an introvert - the big difference in personalities coupled with my anxiety makes socialising with her very draining.

She wants to meet multiple times a week, invites me over for dinner all of the time, when I say I can't make it then commits me to another day, calls AT LEAST twice a day, invites herself over to my place when its not convenient, commits me to plans I've no time for and aren't convenient and tries to take up a lot of my free time. She has friends and hobbies so isn't lonely.

I keep making excuses as to why I can't make certain meet ups and dinner dates but feel like I'm being cruel making excuses all of the time. I love her to bits and think she's going to end up thinking I don't like her, which isnt true. Its not unusual for her to turn up uninvited, then I feel awkward about turning her away.

Would I be being unreasonable by telling her how I really feel or is that more mean than making excuses?

I do ignore a lot of her calls but she then leaves voicemails which is annoying. I check them daily as I'm waiting for updates on a few things and its never what I'm waiting for but aunt chit chatting away.

I feel like an awful person slagging her off, its just so frustrating.

I do have a problem being blunt when I'm trying to be assertive but I'd like to think I've tried to put boundaries in place, they are just overlooked

Just be busy, can't talk now, don't get into it.
Assertiveness us about communicating clearly and sticking to it, read the book, it will help.
She won't change, but you can

Xpost, delete and just reply once a week or what you decide, you are being harrassed

I've decided to go NC with her, ironically not due to the fact she bombards me but because of her stance and gaslighting where DMs alcoholism is concerned.

Since this post we've fallen out and I've blocked all communications from her, it'll be a relief in the long run as despite the recent fall out she has been a nightmare to deal with regardless

Could you write her a letter/email saying exactly what your first post said, esp about loving her to bits but also the bit about triggering your anxiety - suggest meeting once a week or less perhaps? Good luck

I agree with pp on not answering phone or texts & not committing. I'd just say I've stuff to do today & don't give any details or she will say I won't get in the way/want to help. Once you start being assertive it's easier than you think. You're her go to if she's at a loose end from sound of it.

Well done op. On your terms if there's a next time. Try alanon for support, everyone is affected y an alcoholic in the family. Gd luck

Assertive communication is your friend here;
Describe the situation -stick to facts , keep it brief
'i have anxiety, I'm an introvert and don't always enjoy a lot of social interaction'
Express how you feel using I, not you (makes them less defensive) ' I feel uncomfortable with lots of talking, and high energy interactions'
Say what you would like - 'i like you and I would like us to be able to engage in a way I can manage, maybe once a week (insert time scales you are comfortable with)'
Outcome (sell it, what's good for you and what's good for them) 'i think this way we'll still be able to have a good relationship and I really do care about you/value you, and this way wth me being open, you'll understand where my behaviour is coming from when I can't respond to lots of calls and texts, I'd hate to think that I would ever upset you in anyway.

Assertive communication won't always get you what you want, but it should get your point across in a reasonable way, that will make you feel heard.
Just remember four steps DESO.

The above tool can be used in texts if you think she'll interrupt you

Good advice above thank you

I'll be sure to remember and use that for future reference