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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DM is being ungrateful?

32 replies

NapoleonsNose · 18/08/2018 09:33

I have a 'difficult' relationship with my DM. I've posted about her in the past - huge narcissist, plays me the guilt card frequently, and is bitter about how her life has turned out. Despite this, I make an effort with her.

Today is her birthday. I have no idea what to buy her, and tbh her house is full of stuff anyway, think borderline hoarding. So I thought it would be nice to take her out for tea and not buy a present as such. I will get her some flowers though.

We're fortunate to live in a lovely coastal area with lots of nice places serving cream teas nearby. I said to her yesterday that I would take her out with me and DD for afternoon tea and a natter. Her response was, 'but I can have a cream tea at home!'. It took me back a little so I told her that she didn't have to come, but that is what I was going to do for her birthday. Bearing in mind, when it's my birthday, I get £20 shoved in a card. Why do I feel so guilty. I'd rather not take her now, as she's made it plain that this isn't good enough for her birthday. For context, last year her birthday fell on a Friday. I work full time, so called her when I got home to wish her a happy birthday. She snottily replied, 'better late than never, you should have called me this morning,' I have no mobile signal at work, which she knows.

AIBU to think she's being ungrateful?

OP posts:

araiwa · 18/08/2018 09:36

Go have a nice day with dd instead

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 18/08/2018 09:43

I think you are maybe trying too hard with her...If,despite your efforts to maintain a reasonable relationship she is still refusing to budge maybe you should ask yourself why you are worrying about making her happy? I would suggest a quick phone call and say its your day what would you like to do? turn it back on her and see how she responds..Turn the tables gently...You are so not being unreasonable but it takes input and effort from her as well,,,I think it might be time if she appears to not value your efforts to gently step back...Let her come to you when she needs something,,its time to shift some power back to you...A relationship is a two way street and she sounds like hard work!

Doingreat · 18/08/2018 09:44

Your response was perfect. She doesn't get to choose her birthday gift. It's a gift fgs. It's very thoughtful of you to want to do this for her.

Have you heard of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) that children of narcissistic parents often struggle with?

Crazycatlady123 · 18/08/2018 09:47

She is being ungrateful, your efforts will never ever be good enough for a narcissist. Just go out with your DD, you'll have a better time.

Timeforabiscuit · 18/08/2018 09:48

Honestly, just bung £20 in a card - or an amazon voucher. Job done.

Have a lovely tea with your daughter :)

RandomMess · 18/08/2018 09:49

She's a narcissist? You can't win so stop trying... I'm amazed you have anything to do with her tbh!

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 18/08/2018 09:50

Yep, I agree, £20 in a card and take dd for a nice tea. She can hardly complain if that's what she gets you on your birthday (I am sure she will anyway though!)

Returnofthesmileybar · 18/08/2018 09:58

Definitely just stick £20 in a card, call for a visit and say that you have to go, if she asks why tell her you are going for tea with dd. Don't pander to her rudeness

pictish · 18/08/2018 09:58

Yes go for the cream tea with your dd who will thoroughly enjoy it. I wouldn’t even bother with a voucher or cash in a card...I’d just buy a nice bunch of flowers and leave it at that. If she doesn’t want what is on offer she can go without.

Feltcushion · 18/08/2018 09:59

Well as it is her birthday you could have asked her where she would like to go rather than assuming. Afternoon tea would be my idea of hell on earth personally but lunch at a nice pub would be great.

Birdsgottafly · 18/08/2018 10:00

I agree with the "you won't ever please her, so stop trying" advice.

Money/voucher and that's it.

If your DD is aware that it's her Nan's Birthday and you go out without her, she might think it strange. Unless it's something that you would do normally.

Original poster

NapoleonsNose · 18/08/2018 10:10

DD is 20 and knows I'm dragging her along for moral support. The thought of a couple of hours on my own with DM moaning is hideous.

I'm short of cash this month so tea is as much as I can stretch to. Have had to pay a £250 solicitors bill for something relating to DM's behaviour over the last year so pretty skint this month.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/08/2018 10:11

You are now an adult child of a narcissist. You have been trained from soon after birth to serve her at your overall expense. Do read the website entitled Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.

It is not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist so stop trying; nothing you do will ever be good enough for her.

I would not even buy her a voucher and besides which she does not deserve you in any way, shape or form. You are her narcissistic supply and nothing more than that. Deal also with your fear, obligation and guilt through finding a therapist that is well versed in the ways of narcissistic family structures. Such people are like shoes, you need to find one that fits in with your approach.

Juells · 18/08/2018 10:11

Timeforabiscuit

Honestly, just bung £20 in a card - or an amazon voucher. Job done.

This ^^

As PP have said, you can't win so there's no point in knocking yourself out.

pictish · 18/08/2018 10:13

“Afternoon tea would be my idea of hell on earth personally but lunch at a nice pub would be great.”

Hell on earth? An afternoon tea...really? I am struggling to understand what is ‘hellish’ about tea and scones in a nice cafe...as opposed (apparently) to the delights of a pub lunch? Can you explain why you hold such a strong view about it?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/08/2018 10:14

£250 on a Solicitors bill for something relating to DMs behaviour is pretty bad Nose. And you are still meeting your mother despite all that because you've been trained to do so and because of your FOG.

I would not subject your DD to her either; she will also be used by your mother as supply. Both of you should spend some time together without your mother present. I presume thoughts of going no contact with your mother are complete anathema to you at this time but how about further lowering all contact levels?. Can you do that?.

BTW you do not mention your Dad here, where is he?

paintinmyhairAgain · 18/08/2018 10:20

sorry but at the risk of being called selfish i would not bother with all the drama. it would be pref no contact on my part.

Foslady · 18/08/2018 10:21

After your update I think her gift should be younpayong the solicitors bill that she cost you - seriously, £20 max in a card and nothing else, when she moans tell her not to both exchanging gifts in future

Nononannette · 18/08/2018 10:24

If it was a normal mother daughter relationship I would say she might just not like afternoon tea - it is a bit old ladyish - and might have preferred a meal out somewhere.
But she is not treating you in a normal kind motherly way so I would not offer that advice to you. Sorry OP, at least you can know that you tried your best.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 18/08/2018 10:24

You’ve done your best, nothing to feel guilty about. I have an aunt like this, complains about EVERYTHING. You’ll never win unfortunately. If you keep trying at least when she’s gone you’ll know you did your best, but don’t waste time investing emotionally.

longwayoff · 18/08/2018 10:26

O please. Stop pandering to her. Stick a tenner in a cheap card and let her get on with it. In fact, if you can find one, make that a fiver.

auntyflonono · 18/08/2018 10:29

Twenty quid in a card, perfect for he.

mumsastudent · 18/08/2018 10:31

why not take to a garden or stately home for a walk if she able to? & have cup of tea - (or garden centre - silver foxes like us usually like them! that way she is distracted from moaning) & it might be cheaper (lots of open gardens at the moment

Alwayscommuting · 18/08/2018 10:45

I have limited contact with my father for various reasons relating to his behaviour over the years. For his birthday he gets a voucher. For Christmas he gets the same. Absolutely no point spending the time and effort trying to plan a lovely thing when it always gets thrown back in my face. I would suggest you do the same.

bimbobaggins · 18/08/2018 10:52

Next year 20 quid in a card, start putting away £2 a month now to cover it.

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