To think DM is being ungrateful?

[NapoleonsNose]

I have a 'difficult' relationship with my DM. I've posted about her in the past - huge narcissist, plays me the guilt card frequently, and is bitter about how her life has turned out. Despite this, I make an effort with her.

Today is her birthday. I have no idea what to buy her, and tbh her house is full of stuff anyway, think borderline hoarding. So I thought it would be nice to take her out for tea and not buy a present as such. I will get her some flowers though.

We're fortunate to live in a lovely coastal area with lots of nice places serving cream teas nearby. I said to her yesterday that I would take her out with me and DD for afternoon tea and a natter. Her response was, 'but I can have a cream tea at home!'. It took me back a little so I told her that she didn't have to come, but that is what I was going to do for her birthday. Bearing in mind, when it's my birthday, I get £20 shoved in a card. Why do I feel so guilty. I'd rather not take her now, as she's made it plain that this isn't good enough for her birthday. For context, last year her birthday fell on a Friday. I work full time, so called her when I got home to wish her a happy birthday. She snottily replied, 'better late than never, you should have called me this morning,' I have no mobile signal at work, which she knows.

AIBU to think she's being ungrateful?

Oh yes, been there. Took my Mum to London for her 80th. Stayed overnight in a nice hotel near Oxford Street, went shopping, lunch at Claridges, back to hers, taxis all the way in London and first class train to and from hers. Organised a small party for her the next night, fizz, nibbles from Waitrose etc etc. Friend asked her what I had given her for her birthday, and she put on a sad face and said in a small voice "Oh she didn't get me anything." Fortunately her neighbour said "What about your trip to London, lunch, hotel etc etc?" "Oh yes," she said. "But it wasn't something I could open." FFS.

My DM is a widow. DDad died 20 years ago. DM is 76, and I think, showing early signs of dementia - forgetfulness, repeating what I say which may account for some of her behaviour, but not all.

Not wanting to drip feed, but as some have mentioned the solicitors bill, it was shared with my brother to get Power of Attorney for her financial affairs. She got involved in an online romance last year and was fleeced of £12k despite warnings from all of us. She has form for being crap with money, having previously run up nearly £50k on credit cards and having to enter into an IVA. DB and I can now get involved before she makes any more spectacularly shit financial decisions. The PoA was done with her agreement, but was money I could have done without spending.

It will be very difficult to go no contact. We live in the same small town and I can't avoid her. DB is lucky and lives 250 miles away so only really has to deal with a weekly phone call and visits 3/4 times a year.

My mum is lovely and one of my best friends but she would hate to go for a cream tea. Or out for anything she could cook herself/buy in a shop for a fraction of the price and eat at home. If something costs a price she considers to be poor value, she absolutely can not enjoy it. She would far prefer me to bring a cake which I had baked or bought for very good value and have it with a cup of tea at home. In fact for her birthday every year, DS and I bake a cake and bring it around to her with some token present for DS to give her that I picked up in the post Christmas clearance section, the cheaper the better.

Just a thought on the time you called her to wish her happy birthday, op - better to do it in the morning, or maybe the previous day.
It can feel like your birthday's over, iyswim, if someone calls you late in the day or you receive a late card. Almost, what's the point?

Doesn't excuse her rude reaction. I've had similar from my mother.
Why not just take her some flowers and a card in future?

I think you have to change your mindset and stop putting expectations on your relationship. You’re an adult and your feelings are controlled by you. Stop feeling guilty or comparing presents. Stop investing too much emotionally in someone who finds it difficult.
Instead imagine her simply as an elderly person with limited joy and carry on with the “ This is what’s on over so take it or leave it”. She’ll realise moaning isn’t getting her anywhere. Just don’t allow yourself to be upset by it.

I don't think anything you do will please her. There will be something wrong with everything. I think the afternoon tea with your daughter sounds lovely- and for all the people saying they would hate it, she is your DM and you know her better than us. Turn up with the flowers and say, we would like to spend time with you on your birthday. If she turns her nose up - don't feel guilty.

There seems to be 2 issues here that are getting confused. Firstly from the sounds of it you and your mam dont have a good relationship and that may very well be her fault but thats a whole other thread.

The question is, is she ungrateful because she doesn't like the bday present you want to get her?

She probably is a bit ungrateful but TBH if its meant to be a treat for her and she's made it clear she doesn't want to go / wouldn't enjoy it then you are being unreasonable to demand she goes. When buying a present your meant to get some thing the bday girl would want not something you want.

If you can't afford anything right now then a birthday card and a bunch of flowers are perfectly fine.