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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dilemma, SAHM or back to work

77 replies

Chuggachuggatoottoot · 17/08/2018 10:21

Ok, so I've been a SAHM for some time now and have done bits of volunteering in between.
I need something but trying to find a part time job that fits in with school hours etc is just too hard and the types of jobs are just not really for me.
I don't need to work, I'm very fortunate in that respect.
I don't however have any family around to help. Nobody.
Any childcare has to be paid for.
My eldest doesn't really want to go to after school clubs 3 times a week.
My youngest would be ok at nursery.
It just pulls at my heart strings cos I don't need to get a job.
What should I do?
I've volunteered but am not really finding anything that I enjoy enough. What if I get a job in something I've done before but it ends up not working out and I end up wishing I was there with my kids.
I just don't know what to do for the best.Sad

OP posts:
museumum · 17/08/2018 18:26

After school club three days a week is hardly sending your kid down the mines. They will survive.
I wouldn’t let “my dc doesn’t fancy after school club” prevent me having a career.

Bluelady · 17/08/2018 18:34

The phrase SAHM really does bring out the worst in some people.

There are so many things you could do that would make you happy and fulfilled, OP. Many of them don't involve earning money you don't need. As pp have said, you can volunteer, study or do something creative that brings you pleasure.

Think about what will complete your life and do that. Your position is enviable - which is why, I imagine, you've attracted such bile and vitriol.

Tiredtomybones · 17/08/2018 18:42

Stay at home as long as you want to. It's that simple. You have the luxury of being able to take your time and wait for the right job to appear. Enjoy!

littlechocolatechippies · 17/08/2018 18:44

If the investments you have are substantial (and some are in property), the inheritance is a big one, I'd probably put the job search on the side for now and maybe retrain.

You might just find something you are really passionate about later on.

blueshoes · 17/08/2018 20:22

The problem is that you are trying to find a job that fits around family and school hours. Those are generally non-jobs that have little responsibility and pay peanuts because the whole mummy world and their dog wants a piece of it.

If you were previously in a professional job, I would not be surprised that nothing is floating your boat. If you want an interesting job, don't do it by halves. Go in ft, pay for proper childcare, and learn the (hard) skills necessary to make yourself so valuable a company is prepared to pay you a lot of money to work part time.

Being a spouse to a high earning partner is an insidious trap on so many levels. You don't need to find a job, you need to be around for the dcs because your dh is not, you want something that sparks joy. By the time this mythical job comes around, a decade has passed and your dcs are about to leave home for university and you have given up your best years for others and made yourself even more unemployable.

If you want to do it, bite the bullet and try your darndest to make it work, as though you were flying without the comfortable safety net trap you have. This is true fun, a creative endeavour, not half-hearted things that don't get off the ground.

BackinTimeforTea · 17/08/2018 20:51

Yes I agree with that - the very flexible short hours jobs are generally dull. Why not train and wait? I agree, 3 days a week in after school club or with an after school nanny is worth it for everyone overall having a good balance - because you say you need something a it more and that’s a feeling that will very likely grow as your family gets older.

stopgap · 17/08/2018 21:02

I wouldn’t necessarily consult MN about this question. There is an anti-SAHM, fearmongering sentiment here, which is a real shame. Yes I know penniless divorcees, and I also know divorcees who walked away with a pile. Much as I know working women making a princely sum, and working women just about scraping to make ends meet and with little to nothing in the pension pot.

Of course it’s prudent to consider the future, but don’t do so from a place of abject fear.

Original poster
Chuggachuggatoottoot · 18/08/2018 09:48

Harshbuttrue When my dh talks to me about finances he always says 'We', 'Our money', 'Us' etc. I married a decent man.
Yes there are no guarantees in life but we are a team. I made sure I married someone who was my friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chuggachuggatoottoot · 18/08/2018 09:55

I think it depends on who you are in a relationship with. I am an independent person and I couldn't be a SAHM with a DH who just gave me an 'allowance'. I don't take the piss though either and just pay for the essentials. I buy cheap mainly but my dh wouldn't begrudge me if I bought something a bit more expensive but I'm not like that. I grew up without much money and I appreciate it's value.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chuggachuggatoottoot · 18/08/2018 09:58

I wouldn't have married someone like that and if I had have done then I would have got a job so I get what people are saying.
I also didn't marry him for his money (he didn't have it when we met, not as much anyway). I'd be happy in a back to back as long as I'm with the right person if you get me.

OP posts:
vdbfamily · 18/08/2018 10:02

I would say continue to explore voluntary options. The world needs volunteers who do not need to earn financially. What do you like doing. I work in a hospital and there are volunteers doing all kinds of things there. There are community charities like Age UK with volunteer visitors/helpers at day centres/take home and Settle services from hospital/charity shops. Schools need help. Food banks.
I would not work if we had plenty to live on without my salary, but I would always be busy.

Awrite · 18/08/2018 10:04

Your eldest doesn't want to go into after-school care? Well, I'd want to discourage that type of entitled attitude. Seeing you as being there to serve them.

I know you will say it's not like that.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 18/08/2018 10:06

How old are your kids?

You’ve got a nursery age kid which makes me think they are still young. In that case I’d stay and look after them while they are young. You and your husband are a team and caring for a young child is an important thing. In you’re shoes if wait till the last child was fully settled and functioning well in reception before looking into the next step. Maybe there’s a part time qualification you can do in the meantime?

Labradoodliedoodoo · 18/08/2018 10:07

What are your interests op? What sort people work are you interested in?

Brambleboo · 18/08/2018 10:07

If you can find a part time job tbat you live, find fulfilling and fits round school/nursery, then go for it.

You said it yourself, you have a great partnership with your husband and make a lovely home for your family. I'd just enjoy that.

ExCharlieBucket · 18/08/2018 10:10

I'm in the same situation as you OP. I have to go back to work now, i'm getting increasingly despondent at being the catch-all department faciliating everybody elses lives.

I am restricted too because my husband works away alot so I do need to bear that in mind.

Ive been looking for a job now since January and nothing has been suitable. There are so few part time jobs!

What I've been doing however, is upskilling like mad, so I'm doing many courses in the evenings to get ahead a bit.

But still no job.

flumpybear · 18/08/2018 10:14

I'd keep up my career as I don't trust anyone else enough not to lose their job, company goes south, divorce and struggle to get a good job after being a SAHM for years so have little money etc - seen it happen far too many times. In fact my best friend gave up her career , 10'years later her husband who was on 100k a year with own successful company had embezzling partner who the Ruined their business, lost everything, borrowed 40k off my friend by taking out loans for him which he never even tried to pay back and she now holds an IVA and literally every month is telling her he can't afford to give her basic maintenance or pay his portion of the IVA - she's had to take a minimum paid job as she's lost touch with career - that all took less than 2 years

So yes I retain my career and employability and would urge friends to think twice before becoming a SAHM

twiglet · 18/08/2018 10:14

Have you any civil service departments near by that you would be interested in and have positions?

Generally the civil service is pretty flexible we have part time workers who do 9-3 in my office, some who do 2 days a week and others who are term time only workers.

I would say that unless you're husband has been paying into a joint pension account then you would struggle to have enough national insurance contributions for a pension of your own.

Original poster
Chuggachuggatoottoot · 18/08/2018 10:15

museummum that did make me giggle. I'm too soft lol!

OP posts:
Original poster
Chuggachuggatoottoot · 18/08/2018 10:16

My previous background is Admin.

OP posts:
flumpybear · 18/08/2018 10:17

How about schools or local colleges or universities for part time work sometimes they offer term time only work

Allthewaves · 18/08/2018 10:21

As long as you financially secure yourself then up to you of you want to work. He may be decent man but friend of friend husband was in car crash and had brain injury. He recovered but changed personality and decided he didn't want to be with his wife.

Momo27 · 18/08/2018 10:22

Civil service is well known for being very flexible. Also I have a couple of friends who work in hospital admin who have very flexible hours. They are in great work teams so enjoy the social side of things too. One deals with patient appointments and has a certain amount of interaction with the patients which she says is a nice balance to the admin. The other does admin for the medical staff rotas

Lethaldrizzle · 18/08/2018 10:26

The kids are only young once. Enjoy your time with them.

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 18/08/2018 10:29

People saying that she's living off her DH....you do realise that when you have a high earning spouse that nearly EVERYTHING falls to the other person fgs.

Only if you arrange it that way. I have a high earning spouse. He works more than I do, by my choice, but my career gets equal respect and equal enablement, because it isn't worth less just because it earns less. Yes, when one partner becomes a SAHP for a while, it tends to end up that way, with nothing allowed to compromise in the slightest the oh so important Job. But it doesn't have to.