Dilemma, SAHM or back to work

[Chuggachuggatoottoot]

Ok, so I've been a SAHM for some time now and have done bits of volunteering in between.
I need something but trying to find a part time job that fits in with school hours etc is just too hard and the types of jobs are just not really for me.
I don't need to work, I'm very fortunate in that respect.
I don't however have any family around to help. Nobody.
Any childcare has to be paid for.
My eldest doesn't really want to go to after school clubs 3 times a week.
My youngest would be ok at nursery.
It just pulls at my heart strings cos I don't need to get a job.
What should I do?
I've volunteered but am not really finding anything that I enjoy enough. What if I get a job in something I've done before but it ends up not working out and I end up wishing I was there with my kids.
I just don't know what to do for the best.

I would love to be a SAHM in your position. Do whatever makes you happiest! Lol at ‘living off their father’ 🙄😆 yeah, that’s the same 🙄

Could you try to find something voluntary for the time being? At least until all the kids are at school. Would give you something for a CV, and is probably more flexible

Chugga.... i didnt say it, it was another poster, more than one person has the same opinion obviously

If you don’t need the money and you want to help people could you do more with your volunteering, maybe make that more official?

Really, you’re in a good place because you can in effect do what you like, regardless of salary.

Your DD will be fine in after school club. Mine will (if things go well) be in after school club 4 days a week soon, she’ll get used to it. We’ve had a wonder time together but I need to get a job so that’s that.

I'd either keep volunteering or go to college.

Also it doesn't sound like a job will make you happy. Sounds like there's deeper issues here. Why are you unhappy?

I agree with others that by working you would set a good role model for your kids. But only if your partner starts to do some of the housework and childcare at home too (unless you’re only doing a couple of hours work a week of course!). It would probably help all the working mothers in your husband’s firm too - isn’t easy if all the male senior staff are supported by stay at home wives and so never understand the need for work/life balance and flexibility in the workplace!!

But on a personal level... what a wonderful opportunity you have. You can take your time to find exactly the right type of work for you. You can try out a job and then just leave if you don’t like it. You can study. You can volunteer. You can write. All while seeing your children grow up. Make the most of it. It’s an opportunity few people have.

sagelistener thank you

Wanting to find something that makes you happy and feel you’re getting something for you are good enough reasons in themselves for wanting to work!

FWIW we have enough money to live just off my income, or to live just off dh’s. But it’s not all about money. There are plenty of other positives to be gained from doing work that is worthwhile- both for others and for your own well being and self worth

(And yes before anyone jumps on me, I’m quite aware that self esteem comes from a range of sources: parenting, friendships, wider interests... work is an ‘as well as’ not ‘instead of’)

Why does it fall to you to work around the children? You’ve already sacrificed a lot for the kids, isn’t it your husbands turn to pick up some slack? It was his choice to have kids too surely, so he must have known his life wouldn’t be the same as it was before.

I'm not really
I lost some dear family members. I don't want to say too much because it will be outing.

well, ideally you need to make the jump at some point for self esteem reasons, if i'm projecting my family experience.

Can you already do the type of jobs that help people or is a period of retraining/upskilling a good idea, so best of both worlds and then a gradual transition to work? If you have no money pressures, personally I'd spend time thinking about what I really wanted to do and training for that, and then go into work when the children are that bit older if you've one still at nursery.

The long term SAHP in my family looking across generations fared badly over the long term just from a boredom pov as the children become more offhand. Ultimately they ended up as the residual claimant to any extended family caring responsibilities and then, eventually, gc and not feeling respected.

Baffled that people think their children need to see both parents working to view them as good role models. I'm a SAHM but my kids see me doing all sorts of things, including volunteering, a wide range of interests and hobbies and looking after other people. Am I a bad role model because I don't have a paid job?

Do what makes you happy OP.

And what a better role model for them if you're not sitting at home living off their father

Wow. Just wow. What made you so bitter?

It sounds like you want something in addition to what you're doing, but I don't know that being paid would make you enjoy 'working' more than you enjoy volunteering. If that makes sense. I think you need to find something you actually want to do and whether you want to do it will impact how you feel about it, rather than whether you're being paid. So what I mean is, if one of your volunteer gigs offered you a paid role doing the same thing, you wouldn't necessarily enjoy it any more than you did as a volunteer.

What would you actually like to do? Because I think you're going to have more luck thinking about that than a sort of nebulous, amorphous concept of 'work' in general.

Being looked after by a rich man may seem like a great thing now. However, we all know how high the divorce rate is nowadays. If he was to leave you and you had been out of the workforce for years, courts nowadays would expect you to work and it would be hard to find a job. Leaving yourself with no recent work experience and no pension, totally dependent on a man, seems like such a risky idea in 2018 and there's no way I'd ever do it.

I know this won't be a popular opinion but I would definitely go back to. No relationship is ever 100% secure so it's handy to make your own money. I believe people with their own incomes are less likely to stay in bad relationships too because they have options.

You should also think of what you would like to do once your children have moved out or just what you would like for yourself?

I love my son more than anything but I also love my job and I've made a great career for myself whilst single handedly raising my son.

Also, there are holiday clubs/childminders etc for around school. I really really wouldn't choose a job just because it fits in. Their father hasn't had to do the same so why should you?

Probably a good idea to get more information on the size of the OPs inheritance, nature of investments they hold and of what 50% of the pot generally would look like if they were to divorce.

Depending on how substantial the assets we're talking about are and how much income these investments generate, the advice in the last couple of posts could be salient, except the bit about not getting spousal maintenance at all because odds are there'd still be a bit just time limited. Or it could be point missing, because when OP talks about investments she might mean sums that make the concept of earning your own money as protection a bit of a joke.

Why does it fall to you to work around the children? You’ve already sacrificed a lot for the kids, isn’t it your husbands turn to pick up some slack?

Because her DH is the breadwinner. So unless a job commanding a salary equal to her DH's magically lands in the OP's lap (unlikely since his salary is "huge" and she's been out of the job market for years), he's not really going to be in a financial position to go part time, even if his employer were agreeable.

People saying that she's living off her DH....you do realise that when you have a high earning spouse that nearly EVERYTHING falls to the other person fgs.

My DH is often away Mon-Fri, I do everything, absolutely everything with three DCs, two dogs, a house, study, work part time. I'll bet the op is the same.

Working women don't 'look after the family' 100% of the time though do they? They pay someone else to do it, being a SAHM is different.

OP you have an amazing opportunity. It sounds like you need something but still want the flexibility of being around for the children? No idea what to suggest except you have time to think about it, train and volunteer until the perfect situation arises

Well said ministerforcheekyfuckery. Or, at least, I can speak for the op, but that’s how things are for dh and me. He doesn’t have a “huge” salary, but it’s more than triple my pre dc salary. If I could make that sort of money, I’d have clearly done so pre dcs! Saying it’s time for dh to take over child rearing so I can go back to work is just fantasy. We’d need to up sticks and move to a much cheaper area, so dh could kiss goodbye to his job altogether.

Anyway, op, I’m in a sort of similar position to you in that my earning potential is dwarfed by what dh currently earns and I also have no family help at all (some are dead, others overseas).

I’ve been offered a pt role, but I don’t think I’m going to be able to take it. So instead, I’ve just got a hospitality job! Something I used to do during university and school holidays. It’s great. I work evenings and weekends. Dh has the dcs and I go to work, so no childcare costs. I get to meet some amazing people. It’s a fancy / famous place in our area, so I just find it fascinating seeing all the people out on their jolly day / nights out. I don’t know what you did pre dcs - I was doing an admin / logistics type role for a big FTSE 100 company. So hospitality is a far cry from that, but I really love it. Maybe something like that? Or something else you could do flexibly?

*can’t speak

I think you're in the enviable position of being able to take your time looking for the right thing - but I would never advise anyone to be a permanent SAHM. Two of my friends were, and their H's ended up cheating and walking off with younger women - shafting them financially in the process. Never, ever financially depend on another person. Always be self-reliant. That is what I'm teaching my DDs.