School dilemma

[cowgirlblues]

Been stressing about this for months and no conclusion.

DH's older two went to / are at private. DD started in state but moved to private - the state she was at was awful. Now coming to year 6, still at prep, and there's an outstanding comp within walking distance or a private within 30 mins drive.

I went to a private all girls school and feel I don't see the benefit enough to spend so much money. I have friends with kids at the comp, it's a great school. Mixed backgrounds of kids there but it's good.

If she goes to the comp (which is my preference) she will be the only child in the whole of DH's family who didn't go private. DH's older two can be a bit snooty and I'm worried how this would affect her for life. If she goes private we can't move house / afford the holidays and trips I'd like us to go on / I'll be stuck carrying on in a well paid but very stressful job.

Her school is tiny and none of her friends would be going to either of the schools we are looking at so either would be a fresh start.

I am struggling to work out what is best !! Any advice is welcome !!

I'd definitely put her in the state school. If she's academic she'll do well at either.

I never understand how people can pay for private education if that means you can't have holidays or the house you want- to me that means you can't afford it.

If DHs family are snobs, let them crack on with that. Nothing to do with you what they think. Maybe they'll realise that paying for education isn't always the best thing.

I think it will set her apart from her siblings. What school does your daughter want to go to?

She isn't sure what school she wants to go to. She won't know anyone at either and is swaying towards the private as it's where his two went.

To be clear, she isn't DH's she's mine. Both divorced. Her dad won't contribute, DH not offered to. He's pretty stretched anyway with older two. It's a big burden for me - huge - but i just worry that she won't feel "as good as" the others and, like everyone, I want to do the best I can.

However if not for DH I still would have moved her into private prep (bullying etc) but not contemplated private high. It's just SO much money and for various reasons I also cover more of the mortgage etc. (That's another issue..)

I just really don't want her to feel I was selfish and didn't give her as much as her steps got. Her dad is useless so it's just me really!

Oh ok its a bit different if their step siblings. Can you afford private op?

I did private school from 13 because of our family situation (military). To me, it's one of those things you do because it's the best option not because you can. I enjoyed my time at school but i don't think it set me apart from anybody at the decent state school down the road. And going because the step siblings are being stuck up is definitely a crappy reason to go. DH should be nipping that in the bud

There are benefits to having local friends in walking distance rather than potentially up to an hour drive away (if they live an hour in the other direction). I would send her to the decent comp and deal with any snobby behaviour as it comes up.

I can just about afford it. It doesn't leave an awful lot spare after everything else. She is bright and sensitive, I didn't have a fantastic experience at independent school although did well academically. DH not contributing / changing proportions of payment for anything else so the responsibility is solely mine.

I'm just in a dilemma! If it wasn't for him and his snotty kids I'm 80% she would be going to comp and I'd be £15k odd a year better off (plus the trips etcetcetc). That would be amazing. I could pay more than minimum into pension, do more stuff etc !

For me, I'd prefer the comp. just really don't want her to be seen as or feel not as good or disadvantaged in any way!

Look at the schools in terms of what they can offer, not state v private. How far is the private on public transport presumably you won't be taking her for the next seven years? What are the exam results like for someone of your daughter's ability? What other opportunities do the schools offer? What is their record on dealing with bullying and pastoral support?

I went to private school and my brother went to state. He now earns far more than me! And whilst the private school felt right for me at eleven, in hindsight I think I'd have been better supported at the state school.

So many factors to think about, work out which are important to you and your daughter.

I'd say state, I can't really see any pros from what you've listed aside from maybe but having snooty remarks from step family..... Which they may make anyway.

I'd be sending mine to comp.

Personally if she’s already at private school and her step siblings go private, and you can afford it, I would continue in that direction. If you are in one family, blended or not, if you can treat all children the same, I think you should. Are the siblings close in age and have a great deal of contact? I would think if you don’t, there is a risk that she feels in the future she had less. Every family I know where children were given different educational experiences, it has shored up resentment in the future.

I went to a private school. I can’t afford to send my DC private, and I see the opportunities they have at their state school and I am so envious! They have so much more variety of learning, and they are just normal, down-to-earth children, as are their friends. I loved school, but I see now that I would have been just as happy, if not more, at a state school, where I had local friends, and I wasn’t always playing catch up financially (my parents were wealthy, but not as much as most).

Save your money for nice mum and daughter holidays

She will do fine at good state school
Deal with any comments.build her resilience.

Your dd wants your time and attention and going on say travel across Europe with you every summer will be far more beneficial to you both.

I'd send her to the comp for multiple reasons. You can presumably get a job with a better balance and be around more for her to help and encourage her education. You can pay for and have time for activities outside of school tailored to her interests, you can go on eduational holidays and trips and even get tutors if needed. If it becomes clear the comp isn't right for her you could always move her at that point or move her for 6th form. I'd talk through all those things with her though so she knows how the decision was made and that it was always with her best interests in mind.

I went to a private boarding school and did well academically and enjoyed it enough for the most part (although struggled at times) but will be sending DS to the excellent comp we have nearby.

@cowgirlblues i absolutely loved all girls private secondary, and i wouldn't have done as well at a mixed school as i was very shy around boys.

You have to do what is right for her. I picked the school. My mum took me round 3 state schools and 3 private schools and i did proa/cons and knew as soon as i walked into my school it was where i would fit in best. Why don't you let your daughter visit all the schools and make the decision herself? Only if you can afford it though. If it would stretch you too much it may not be worth it. Again ask your daughter

I would go state and then if she doesn’t settle you can move her to private. If she does settle and progresses well you will have saved a fortune. It’s a no brainier to me

When you say you can just about afford it, do you mean you can just about afford the fees (checking all the way to A levels) or all the fees plus all the huge extras that will come with it (uniform, kit, trips, etc)?

If it's going to be that tight, I'd go for the comp. It will inevitably cost far more than the advertised fees and it could be that money has to be the deciding factor. As PP have said, you can always transfer her if the comp really doesn't work out.

State! Just about being able to afford private ducks as there are sooo many hidden costs. Another option would be to send her private at 16-she could choose a boarding school

Sucks! Not ducks!

I'd go for the comp.

If school fees would leave you tight now, imagine if your financial situation got worse and you had to pull her out. Starting over at the comp mid year would be hard and leave her wide open for more bullying.

Let her start now, let her own it and find local friends and learn that what snooty people think of you matters not one iota.

State. Save some of the money you’d have spent on private towards a house deposit when she’s older. Save into your pension. Have nice holidays with her.

Thank you all, all really good points!

She has absolutely thrived in the prep and done really well - it's been a game changer for her. I do feel though that If she'd been in a good state she would have been fine - I'd got divorced and moved closer to the city centre from the countryside at the end of reception year so she couldn't get a place at the two outstanding primaries within walking distance and we got one at a good rated, but crap one a few miles away.

The prep fees were a struggle - had to go back full time - but worth it to see her happy. That's my main priority, but I can't actually see a huge difference between the comp and the private. The private is a v large mixed school. The school she has liked best that we have seen (been going to any open day going) is a private girls one but I didn't like it for her - not academic, tiny (think 20 a year in year 7!), taking boys in from this September presumably due to falling numbers, no Spanish (which I speak and she's learning at school) ..although she liked it (and it's cheaper) I just didn't feel it was right for her long term. Is that unreasonable ?! I can't see straight on this any more ! If it were between that and the comp I'd have no qualms about the comp.

The larger private, I feel, has better clubs, academic results etc, but she didn't love it to be honest ...that said it was the first one she saw and she was intimidated by the size. I don't however know if it is actually any better than the comp (which is the most over subscribed school in the area).

I'm just stuck. I think the idea of giving her a full discussion and loads of involvement is the best. Erm as long as it's not the little girls' school I didn't like 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

🍷 needed!

Sorry just seen the other replies ! Yes.. a private or even boarding at 16 would be an option. We looked at a boarding school she could be a day student at and she loved it but £££££ so discussed with her going there for 6th form.

If she went state I could cut down to 4 days a week and still have extra money for stuff she wants to do like Harry Potter play for weekend, mum and daughter hols, more expensive hobbies like horse riding. In private it's just going to be private school and fairly basic stuff outside of school.

Slightly different but I have a friend whose brothers went to private but she went to state. She is a bit resentful now because she feels her parents helps them out much more and they have gone on to do better professionally.

Is there a danger your daughter will feel undervalued by her dad if he paid for her sisters and not her?

If she goes to the private one, will you be able to afford all the expensive extra activities, the keeping up with the Joneses social events, and the mega expensive foreign school trips to explore New York, ski in the alps, and build schools in Africa? Or would she be the poor girl at the private school (my mother was that girl, which I wouldn't wish on anyone - totally ostracised).