School dilemma

[cowgirlblues]

Been stressing about this for months and no conclusion.

DH's older two went to / are at private. DD started in state but moved to private - the state she was at was awful. Now coming to year 6, still at prep, and there's an outstanding comp within walking distance or a private within 30 mins drive.

I went to a private all girls school and feel I don't see the benefit enough to spend so much money. I have friends with kids at the comp, it's a great school. Mixed backgrounds of kids there but it's good.

If she goes to the comp (which is my preference) she will be the only child in the whole of DH's family who didn't go private. DH's older two can be a bit snooty and I'm worried how this would affect her for life. If she goes private we can't move house / afford the holidays and trips I'd like us to go on / I'll be stuck carrying on in a well paid but very stressful job.

Her school is tiny and none of her friends would be going to either of the schools we are looking at so either would be a fresh start.

I am struggling to work out what is best !! Any advice is welcome !!

Send her to the State school. I would. Its really not a once and for all decision. If it really doesnt work you can always move her to private later on. If its just you paying the fees and you have no buffer committing to 5 years of fees is huge.
Forget about what your dhs kids did. He is not paying.

I really can't find any good things about going to a private school. You're losing out if you send her to one and doing it just to please DH's family/make sure they don't make any remarks seems ridiculous to me . If they're that awful that they would make your child feel any inferior to them, then they're not the sort of people I'd want to be around. And definitely not the sort of people I'd make myself miserable to please. Also, it'd be great to teach DC that she can be just as good as anyone else despite what school she goes to. You don't want her basing her self-esteem purely on the fact that she went to private school.

I'd try the comp TBH. We did state, private and then state (comp grammar) again for DS, he isn't very happy at the state school - I also think it's a bit rubbish too, but I'm glad we tried it.

From all you’ve said, it sounds like the local comp is the better choice. The teaching is good, and she’ll have friends locally. I went to a school that was miles away- not private but selective- and found that the lack of friends nearby had a long lasting effect I didn’t really shake off until I left home.
As for the step family, their choices are not relevant. Make the choice to ensure you and your daughter are happy.
You can always look at moving her before she starts GCSEs if it isn’t working.

If family are snooty I’d suggest the best thing you can do is to raise her to be sure of herself and simply not to care what snooty people think. It’s self esteem and will stand her in good stead throughout her life.

I'd go state. I went private but I am not sure it gives much more than a good state school unless you are talking the big name schools (St Paul's, City of London etc.) 6th form somewhere more prestigious remaining a possibility plus more exciting extra curricular activities with you around more far outweighs the perceived benefit of going private for private's sake.

Also womith admissions as they are much easier to go private in Y8 if necessary than go the other way!

First off you need to change this attitude that anyone attending private school is better, if her step siblings have been bought up decently in their private school they will not have such a negative attitude towards her, if they do, then that’s a good enough reason to send her to a state school. Sorry your comment got me riled

I sent mine to state because if they had gone privately, there would have been no money for days out, holidays, hobbies, presents etc. Horse riding, in itself, is expensive and you’ll have a bit more cash to spend on non essentials.

Given that the main reason is snobbery and that you’ll be funding this on your own, I’d certainly go with a great state school. If she’s bright, she’ll do well anywhere and much better doing that than scrimping and saving for what may be no benefit. Also, if your financial circumstances change for the worse, you at least won’t have to worry about the fees.

I think it’s pointless that people overstretch themselves to pay for something that has no guaranteed benefit and might actually bring negatives, as I sense you feel it has done with your step children.

You can't afford it OP. A "huge stretch" is not sensible. Time to tell DD the truth.

Don't put yourself in that position.

Is there a danger your daughter will feel undervalued by her dad if he paid for her sisters and not her?

He isn't her dad.

Even though he isn't her Dad surely now that you are family the money should be thought of as family money.

My DH funded my son from previous marriage's private education/uni as well as his own and our joint kids. They were all treated the same.
I would have no respect for a man who married me but did not think it appropriate to treat the kids differently.

In your circumstances and without his support I suspect that the good state option is probably the best way forward as I can foresee troubles when he wants to go on a fancy schmancy holiday but expects you to pay for yourself and you can't because you have school fees.

What about her starting the comp and taking it from there?

She could always go to private again in yr 10 as many do 13+ transfer as lots of preps go up to that age.

But I'm also another who thinks it's odd that you and DH have separate finances and you are contributing more.
Surely you'd both contribute equally to both your lives and all of your respective children?

State all the way! If she’s a bright kid, she’ll do well wherever she goes. It will give her a much better grounding for later life too.
Think of the lovely extra curricular activities you’ll be able to offer her and having a day off in the week will be a revelation for your stress levels.
What if you become ill because of high stress? What if the fees increase over the years?
Also, look at how snobby your step children are. Do you want that for your daughter?

Explain to your DD what you've explained in your OP and see what decision she reaches. At 11 she's old enough to have a say and she may well choose comp and holidays! (I would have if I was her at that age)

Is there any chance of a bursary or scholarship at the private?

In situations where I have to make big life choices I like doing lists.

So for example: how about getting dd to write a list of the pros and cons of both private and comp. (you can look at list afterwards and ask her questions about things she hasn't thought of to prompt ideas). Eg friendship group close to home.

You then write a list about your experience, finances (no need to be specific but just can afford holiday etc), extra curricular she can do, that you can work 4 days so extra time with her at weekends etc.

Get her to look at the lists. Does she want pros of private and none of the positives you've written or pros from comp with all positives you've written.

Remember and remind her there is cons to everything. She needs to make a balanced decision what's most important.