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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel our holiday?

59 replies

BonAppetitPete · 16/08/2018 19:59

Family holiday to Tenerife booked for next month (booked last year).

DS is 7 and has ASD.

Over the last 6 months his anxiety and consequently his behaviour have worsened.

He will not sleep - we have to lie in bed with him.

He doesn’t like to go anywhere or join in with any of the paid activities with the other children.

Something will inevitably upset him at any point - it’s often hard to predict or is unexpected .

He does not (can not?) listen to simple instructions - when something is in his head his need to fulfil it becomes paramount over anyone else or his safety and he becomes very agitated.

We’re currently on a caravan holiday and we haven’t had two minutes to relax .

DS won’t join in anything , complains about most things or gets hugely overexcited , constantly asks to stay in the caravan and won’t sleep unless I lie with him (which takes hours so any free night time is lost).

I’m exhausted!

I really don’t want to go to Tenerife next month to deal with it all again (it’s the same at home but harder on holiday ).

DS is indifferent to going .
DH wants to go .
Toddler dd doesn’t have a clue.

WWYD?

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/08/2018 20:02

Sorry OP this sounds so hard for you. Do you get any respite? Is it a hotel in Tenerife or villa?

cmlover · 16/08/2018 20:04

how long is it for?

could dh and dd go for half if it. then you fly out half way through and swap places with dh?

or can ds go to grandparent for a 3 night and you cut the holiday short?

Dollymixture22 · 16/08/2018 20:05

Thats a tough one. I know holidays with children can be tiring - but this sounds particularly challenging.

I think I would cancel and see how everyone is next year. Life is tough enough without making it tougher.

Sorry you are having such a rough time.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 16/08/2018 20:06

This sounds so hard.

Have you got insurance that would cover this; or would you lose the money?

timeisnotaline · 16/08/2018 20:08

If dh wants to go I would wonder if he is anticipating having much more free time than you to enjoy a holiday. Does he deal with the anxieties, do the night time bed sharing with ds?
If he is fully part of the care then his opinion does need considering - perhaps he could make the week afterwards at home easier for you to help recover from the holiday.

NationalShiteDay · 16/08/2018 20:11

That sounds really tough.

If it were me, I'd sit DH down and have a frank discussion about how you both feel about it. If he really wants to go then he needs to come up with strategies about how to make the holiday relaxing for all of you.

E.g. Can he lie with DS at night whilst you relax/play with toddler?

It sounds very stressful for you all Flowers

Original poster
BonAppetitPete · 16/08/2018 20:13

Flying out and swapping sadly isn’t an option right now .

DH does his fair share with DS , the problem is DS wants to mostly be with me - we can’t just say no / it’s tough etc as he will cry and scream for hours on end (once he gets it in his head , he MUST have it) .

I’m also chronically ill and the thought of doing this for a fortnight abroad fills me with dread !

OP posts:
Cauliflowershower · 16/08/2018 20:14

I wonder if, once you’re there, a beach holiday might be more relaxing than a caravan holiday?

Straight from pjs to swim wear and back again after a shower so not too demanding wrt transitions.

Lots of swimming to tire him out. Depending on his sensory needs I guess he either loves or hates sand but if it’s the former he could be quite happy playing on the beach too.

Then reframe your expectations of the evening a bit-keep him up later if that’s works then lie with him with a book?

iPad or similar for travel and if you want to eat with dh in peace.

Mascarponeandwine · 16/08/2018 20:15

Depends on the money. If it’s all paid for and by cancelling you’d get nine of it back, then I think I’d probably go (with a certain amount of trepidation). Look into flight availability to come back early if it’s not working out.

If you can get a nearly full refund then I’d seriously consider deferring for a while.

Original poster
BonAppetitPete · 16/08/2018 20:16

Insurance is unlikely to cover it so we would likely lose most of the holiday cost .

DS is constantly asking to go home and has refused to come to the complex entertainment tonight so I’m stuck in the caravan with him whilst DH has gone to meet another family we’ve met here with DD.

OP posts:
Myimaginarycathasfleas · 16/08/2018 20:23

Sounds like DH may be indulging in a spot of wishful thinking because he wants (and no doubt needs) a holiday. I think you are going to have to discuss strategies for managing your DS between you so that everyone gets something out of the holiday if you do decide to go.

I’m assuming he’s flown before and experienced a busy airport. If not, I’d seriously consider cancelling.

Xmasbaby11 · 16/08/2018 20:23

My dd is 6 with ASD. She is ok at sleeping but otherwise similar to your ds.

I think I would go on the holiday. It won't be easy but be realistic, take whatever home comforts you can, and try to take it in turns with the kids with dh rather than doing everything as a 4. Since your dh is positive about It, talk through some possible problems and how you might tackle them.

RandomMess · 16/08/2018 20:24

From an insurance point of view could the GP give you a Drs certificate that DS is too unwell to cope with going?

museumum · 16/08/2018 20:25

Can you take books wine and dvds/tablet and just chill in the sun there? My friends with an eldest with asd finds he’s happy on holiday with his tablet/wii games from home so long as it’s a lazy holiday not trying to “do” things.

BoomBoomsCousin · 16/08/2018 20:27

Sounds like it would be a nightmare. Why does your DH want to go?

Slimmingsnake · 16/08/2018 20:28

I understand ,I took my 2 ASD ds on a short break last week...was not a holiday for me or dh.bloody stressful.spent most of it running after one or the other ...one of them is an adult as well😢.just as bloody stressful as when he was younger....I don't know what the alternative is? I can't justify leaving behind family members that want to come on holiday,and they did want to come...2 of my kids didn't want to come so stayed home...it's not easy 💐🌹🌷

BrieAndChilli · 16/08/2018 20:30

At that age DS1 was ok with beach/swimming pool/reading in room but hated (and still does to some extent) discos, structured activities, long walks etc.

Where will you be staying? Could you just do lazy pool/beach days, a meal out and then quiet evenings in the apartment??

LighthouseSouth · 16/08/2018 20:31

I'd cancel, I completely see why you want to

if DH still wants to go, could he go with your other DC, or will it be too be much for you to cope alone?

BrieAndChilli · 16/08/2018 20:32

Take some books and when it’s DS bed time just lay and read for a couple of hours, don’t keep thinking I’m stuck here I want to be at the disco etc, just think of it as some time to catch up ok reading and chill.

TomHardysNextWife · 16/08/2018 20:34

I'd go but I'd have an escape plan worked out in advance. That way, you know that if it isn't working out you can calmly make the arrangements to get home.

Floralnomad · 16/08/2018 20:36

Apart from not wanting to join in with activities will his behaviour be any different at home ? If at home you still have to do the staying with him until he gets to sleep etc then I’d go on the holiday as it’s not worth wasting the money and your dd will enjoy it and you and dh can take it in turns to do stuff with her . If his behaviour is purely down to being away from home then I’d stay at home but if it were me I’d look into the cost of substituting another adult ( granny / sister etc) onto the booking so dh and dd still go as I don’t see why your dd should miss out on stuff . The not wanting to join in activities / kids clubs wouldn’t bother me as neither of my dc ever did any of that kind of stuff .

Everyoneiswingingit · 16/08/2018 20:37

I feel for you OP. If you could get most of your money back I'd cancel. Would you be able to get a letter from your son's consultant that could sway it with insurers?

spader1987 · 16/08/2018 20:40

Hi op, it's a difficult one. I had the same decision to make earlier in the year. Ds has severe autism (totally non verbal). We had taken him abroad before, mostly successful.

Holiday booked last year for June. Within that time ds had been having problems at school which resulted in violent meltdowns. After much thought we did cancel the holiday, as disappointing as it was it was the right decision for us. We knew deep down there was know way we could take him on a plane just in case. It was also not fair to add to the anxiety he already had which was making him behave in the way he was.
If I'm honest the thought of taking him away without routine and out of familiar surroundings was causing me a lot of stress, I was relieved when I cancelled it. Like I said right decision for us, only you know ds and how he will cope, and off course this will impact on you.

Do you receive respite op?

Fairylea · 16/08/2018 20:42

I have a son with autism who is 6 and has it severely enough that he attends a specialist school so I know how difficult it can be. I would rather stick pins in my eyes than go abroad with him anywhere. I love him to bits but for the reasons you’ve listed (which would be the same for us) there is no way I would go. I would cancel.

We manage a short caravan break every year. Same place every time. Same things every time. We go swimming at the crack of opening when it’s deadly quiet, we go to the beach and we go to naturey places for walks. That’s about it. We have an older child too - a teen- and we swap over at times so she gets to do other stuff.

I remember one particularly horrible year where he slept 4 hours over the whole week and not all at once. Literally that was it. I would end up sitting in the lounge with him at 4.30am while he opened and closed the curtains solidly for 3 hours.

Such fun.

So no, I wouldn’t go. And I completely understand.

Fairylea · 16/08/2018 20:43

(Also wanted to say the only way we keep our sanity really is two tablets - an iPad and a kindle - with various games etc on them that we swap over throughout the day when we need quiet time. He doesn’t play with toys or relax otherwise).