To cancel our holiday?

[BonAppetitPete]

Family holiday to Tenerife booked for next month (booked last year).

DS is 7 and has ASD.

Over the last 6 months his anxiety and consequently his behaviour have worsened.

He will not sleep - we have to lie in bed with him.

He doesn’t like to go anywhere or join in with any of the paid activities with the other children.

Something will inevitably upset him at any point - it’s often hard to predict or is unexpected .

He does not (can not?) listen to simple instructions - when something is in his head his need to fulfil it becomes paramount over anyone else or his safety and he becomes very agitated.

We’re currently on a caravan holiday and we haven’t had two minutes to relax .

DS won’t join in anything , complains about most things or gets hugely overexcited , constantly asks to stay in the caravan and won’t sleep unless I lie with him (which takes hours so any free night time is lost).

I’m exhausted!

I really don’t want to go to Tenerife next month to deal with it all again (it’s the same at home but harder on holiday ).

DS is indifferent to going .
DH wants to go .
Toddler dd doesn’t have a clue.

WWYD?

Wow that sounds so hard fairy and others. Totally in awe of you. I won't moan about my sulky teens on holiday again! Really hope you get some respite, you so deserve it.

I’m on holiday at the moment (caravan, up) with both m ASD dd’s, they are older than your ds. I feel trapped, I don’t have a dh so am stuck in the caravan whilst I can here people having fun outside. My dd1 sounds very similar to your ds, she doesn’t want to try anything, doesn’t want to go anywhere and won’t join in with on site activities. I would love to go abroad but I couldn’t take dd1, it would be miserable.

I would be tempted to cancel, leave it a few years before considering it again.

Can you tag-team it? Go with zero expectation of him doing anything and that someone will stay in the room with him all day while the others go swimming etc and switch regularly? I’m not sure what your accommodation is, it might be more pleasant sitting on a balcony reading a book than sat in a caravan with him?

If you can - read the first six chapters of Tony Attwood's Exploring Depression and Beating the Blues.

How about social stories with pictures of the airport and your route through? Have you checked their policy for children with AS as in what accommodation can they provide to reduce queueing/crowds etc? Similarly, take photos from something like Trip Advisor and build him a visual of where you are going and your typical timetable? Definitely take a tablet, headphones, hats and tent - to allow him to make his own safe space. Any chance of getting in touch with the hotel and getting a room, either as quiet as possible or the opposite, as close as possible to the pool, so one parent can sit on the balcony/patio and enjoy the ambience and he can take refuge in the room? Ask if there are quieter moments at meal times, or would room service be possible if meals become too anxiety provoking for him. Pack his favourite foods/drinks - take his world with you. Does he have a favourite interest that you can tap into to make some exploring possible? Does he like car journeys?

TBH, if you want to go, you probably have to build the holiday around him and it is doable.

The money you have spent is gone already whether you do or dont go so dont let that enter your decision.

If you didnt go would you be able to make a holiday at home? I dont mean doing days out (unless you want to) but trying to enter a 'holiday spirit'. Trying some different food, keeping chores to the minimum.

I’ll read through the (lovely) replies as soon as I can - the signal isn’t the greatest here .

I’ve just been chatting with DS and he said that holidays make his tummy feel weird ; he can’t quite explain it but he said it started hurting as soon as we got here .

I think he’s so anxious he’s getting tummy pain

I'd cancel, it's going to be exhausting. At least at home it's easier to manage the outbursts and night wandering and meltdowns and clueless husbands.

Ahh-poor thing. If you do decide to go then loads of googling before hand so he can see where he’s going-where he’ll sleep and eat etc.
Explain that everyone can feel nervous about new situations and that’s fine.
Take his favourite foods and bedding if possible.

Anxiety is such a huge part of ASD, it seems. I’ve wondered too about holidays with my DS(7). He gets massive anxiety before and during holidays.

Things that have helped: telling him as much as possible about the detail - ‘we’ll drive to the airport and park the car. When wev checked in, we’ll go through security and get something to eat. Then we get on a plane,’ and so on.

Showing him where we’re going on google maps has been unexpectedly helpful - he gets interested and likes to see how it relates to home.

Finding something related to his current special interest in the destination is good - that can be tricky, though. Having a new book/game/film etc to be brought out once there is also good.

Listening to his feelings and validating them helps more than trying to reason them away.

But the thing that has really transformed him is very simply giving him melatonin in the evening. He gets to sleep more easily, and for some reason that leaves his base level of anxiety so much lower that he’s better able to cope with things like school and holidays that were previously crippling.

Exercise is also a major calming factor for him, which is tough because he’s hypermobile and gets tired very easily, but it’s worth the effort.

I hope some of these strategies help.

Would he listen to audio books?

Then at least whoever is laying down with him can listen too!

My friend's son has asd and for years holidays were a nightmare for them too. Now they work fine because they worked out the rules:

1. Self catering only.
2. Always stay in exactly the same place (they actually have 2 "destinations" that are acceptable, 1 in Cornwall, 1 in the Dales).
3. Daily timetable for what they are going to do, meal times and down time.
4. Melatonin

This seems to help him manage his anxiety so everyone enjoys themselves.

Op, has DS ever been on a plane before? How do you think he will cope with a busy airport and the flight?

I was wondering whether he would be able to cope with a 4 and a 1/2 hour flight.

This sounds very tough. Frankly I think I would throw myself into planning how it could be made as easy as possible and then I'd take the plunge and go.

And I'd also for next year book a break in a hotel designed for AS guests. I've heard great things about one on the Isle of Wight. Hth.

I get it. My ds has asd amongst other things!

I've found that looking at pictures of what's going to be there and him deciding what he can manage helps.

I use to write him a list of what would happen - like a social story. Flight times etc.

We'd make a laminated book of it.

So ds knew what going to the pool would be like. He knew what going to the beach entailed.
Hotels were more than accommodating in providing pictures for me of their rooms and restaurant etc. Proper ones not the brushed up brochure ones 😂

And if it helps I spent years and my ds was born in Tenerife so I have friends there who could probably help with sending pictures over if we know where you're going.

Oh and we NEVER visit the same place twice. My ds can't cope when we return somewhere and things have changed.
He spent 2 nights in a caravan with my parents at a site I'd taken him to before.

He cried for 5 whole days when he got home over all the changes that had been made and the ones they may make before the following year.

We've never gone back!

And you know what? Writing all that has reminded me of what it use to be like. And reminds me how far we've come. Yes he gets anxious still but he's fine with helping decide between a few hotels and just knowing airport and flight times.

Cancel it. In effect you are paying money to feel like shit abroad. If you cancel (without a refund) you will in effect be paying the same amount but you will be comparatively better off at home.

Gosh yes melatonin!! Someone mentioned it after my post upthread. We couldn’t survive without it. Ds has it every night and he’s gone from never sleeping to only waking once or twice. Amazing stuff. Definitely ask for some (gp or paediatrician) if you haven’t already.

We stopped going abroad a few years ago with dis for much the same reasons you’ve mentioned. I particularly hated returning home to everyone asking did you have a great time you’ve not got much of a tan and I’d blame the weather rather than say I had to spend most of it in a room and could really use a holiday now as it was the most stressful weeks ever. If you can I think you should try to go and get dh to take on as much as possible then make a decision based on how it went for future holidays

How does he respond to timetables?

My 5YO DS has been diagnosed with ASD quite recently. We seem fortunate at present as he doesn’t suffer from any anxiety and is quite chilled with changes of scenery. However he has a constant need for information and talking which is exhausting.

We find a timetable helps - very basic - just a few lines for each day. Even just a general charge helps. For example:

Today:

We’re going to the shops because we need bread and milk

You can choose 1 treat from the shop.

We’re coming home then to relax a bit

Granny and granddad will be over later to play with you.

They’ll bathe you and put you to bed.

My PIL are taking him away shortly for a week (the second of this summer - I love them so much) and we talk about the things he’ll get to do a lot. He is reassured about being away when we answer his questions.

Would talking through the holiday in minute detail help?

I completely understand why you’d want to cancel, it’s just I find both me and my son feel really good when we overcome an area of difficulty (it’s food for us).

@youarenotkiddingme

Those are great tips I’ll be using.

If you can get a GP note you may be able to claim in insurance? Not for ASD but if the anxiety is something new that you couldnt have anticipated when you booked maybe?

That said I would probably go. Can you do a visual story book, look at journey and hotel on line and print images?

A late update - the signal is awful here !

DH and I sat down and discussed the pros and cons of going abroad with DS.

DH only wanted to go as he didn’t want to lose all of the money , which I understand.

After I told him about DS tummy upset due to his anxiety he agreed we should re think .

Thanks to some of the tips upthread , I’ve spoken to DS doctor and he’s agreed to supply us with medical evidence to pass on to the insurance company

We’re going to try to cancel based on medical grounds but if it’s declined , then we’ve accepted we’ll lose the money for the flights (I checked and the hotel is refundable up to a certain point , which is great news)

Thank you for all the advice

Glad both you and DH are on the same page. Really hope insurance company don't mess you around!

I have an anxious boy too OP. It’s so hard, for everyone.

May I suggest this book to read together - You Are Awesome and this one for you which may or may not fit with your DS The Highly Sensitive Child

I really think you’re doing the right thing cancelling the holiday - new places make it all so very much worse.

Relaxation techniques help my DS.

Hope you get all home soon.