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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To either scream or angry cry at husband..

65 replies

Hidinginthelootoo · 16/08/2018 17:40

I'm so fed up with husband attitude. We have two children, a four year old and a one year old. Love them to bits but hard work. Four year old is currently going through a very trying stage. He works hard but is home by four and occasionally works a few hours at the weekend.. apparently I shouldn't complain about being tired when he gets home as I have it easy compared to most!! We do have car for me to get out and about with but not much money. I am with two children every day all day so when he gets home from work sometimes I would like more than a lecture about what an easy life I have and what a hard one he has as he only has every evening and most weekends off... currently sitting here with frustrated tears after throwing my dinner in the bin as I just feel so fed up/angry...

OP posts:

Theresnodisneyending · 16/08/2018 19:33

Didn't you think to sort out who was going to do what before you had children?

Don't speak to her like she's a child. You don't think life sometimes turn out how we plan things?

In regards to him thinking you've got it easy - just checked my fitbit. I've been in the house all day with the kids, i've walked over 9000 steps, which is just under four MILES, it says. That's just from being a SAHP and running a household. I'm not even a super cleaner or anything, I just do the usual that most parents would do, I imagine. Some of these sexist pigs/sahp haters think we do jack all all day, but running a household plus making sure our kids don't end up killing themselves somehow isn't easy. And that's not even taking into account the mental load.

I'm so sorry he doesn't appreciate you. Something has to change - like a pp mentioned, even getting a loan out to pay for re licensing would be worth it if that's what you want to do.

Theresnodisneyending · 16/08/2018 19:34

Just saw your last update. Glad he admitted that

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 16/08/2018 19:53

Blunt100....

It's called wifework in the literature...

This is the seminal book....

www.google.co.uk/search?q=wifework+book&oq=wifework&aqs=chrome.1.69i57j0l3.5006j0j7&client=ms-android-samsung&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8

ResistanceIsNecessary · 16/08/2018 19:55

Good update OP.

A couple of things that are worth reminding him about:

How you love and respect someone is demonstrated in how you treat them. You are keeping house and doing the childcare to support his career and it's important he realises the sacrifice you are making for the family and that your job doesn't come with sick pay, contracted hours or annual leave.
That familiarity breeds contempt and it's very easy to start taking your partner for granted. If he wants a meaningful marriage that's going to stay the distance then he needs to realise that treating you like a domestic appliance is not acceptable. Likewise things may be stressful for him at work but he needs to communicate with you. Plus it doesn't buy him a total pass from family life - you aren't running a hotel.

Bluntness100 · 16/08/2018 19:57

Thank you but honestly I think it's appalling that people use rhe phrase.

There is no "wife work" and we should not be prolonging the myth. There has never been wife work in my home, we share equally.

For me rhe concept of wife work died out decades ago. We may have roles we chose to undertake, but that will be because it works best in our home, not because we are women and it's expected of us as a gender.

The phrase needs to not be part of our vocabulary.

Original poster

Hidinginthelootoo · 16/08/2018 20:00

Thanks resistanceisnecessary. I did choose this life, I am lucky that we can do it, I'm sure it will get easier. You are right about the household appliance statement... I think this rage is what we needed to clear the air and to realise I was being dumped on... we have both agreed to a Rota and for me to get time to be a grown up and without the constant bombardment of drudgery. Thanks again all.

OP posts:

needyourlovingtouch · 16/08/2018 20:03

You need to book a haircut or friend's wedding or something so he can have the kids for the day to feel what it's like!

needyourlovingtouch · 16/08/2018 20:04

Maybe worth utilizing the 15 free hours for your 1 year old when he is old enough. Will the 4yo start school this September?

ResistanceIsNecessary · 16/08/2018 20:04

He needs to appreciate that this is a partnership and that if you were not at home it would be costing you both £x per month in childcare costs. Plus having to take annual leave at short notice when one of them is poorly and nursery/childminder won't take them.

I have a friend at work with two young kids and her nursery costs are well into 4 figures for monthly FT care. Plus she has no family if they are ill so has to take emergency leave whenever one is sick or has a tummy upset - which is a lot when they are small!

Your DH has none of this to worry about because you take care of it all. And in exchange you have given up your career prospects and are not accruing any pension during this time. Your day is not just 9-5 with an hour for lunch and 5 weeks of paid annual leave. That's why it is so important that he realises that he needs to pull his weight when he gets home.

RosettaStoned · 16/08/2018 20:18

Glad you've had a talk with him and are feeling better op

Ihatemycar · 16/08/2018 20:54

What about getting a night job in a restaurant, bar or supermarket? That way you both share the joys of parenting?
I know it may not be your dream but gets you out of the house, you'll have money and get to have adult conversations.
Your husband gets home early enough to make dinner for the kids, play and get them to bed.

OpalIridescence · 16/08/2018 21:04

Women don't put themselves in these corners. That's bs. As for thinking ahead to when you have children those plans only work if both parties honour them. Which alot of men don't once the children arrive.

Good that your feeling better OP, I hope things improve for you. I would say be very careful about letting the attitude creep back in, call out any and every instance of him starting to treat you the same way again.

WhatWouldCoachBombayDo · 16/08/2018 21:05

You did better than me OP I screamed "you have no idea how hard this is" and punched a hole in our bathroom wall when I was brushing my teeth and lost my shit with DH, who made a comment about how easy I had it.

I know, I know it was terrible behaviour. Poor DH just stood there in shock and just calmly said "ok...yes you do seem a little upset" and looked at the hole. He then hugged me and tucked me in to bed and took screaming baby DC1 from the bedroom next door downstairs.

He started chipping in a bit more, even little things like taking the bottles out of the cold water steriliser and putting them together for me.

I was also tasked with fixing said wall...

In my defence, not really that I can have one DC1 was the baby from hell, didn't sleep, didn't eat just cried all day every day...I seriously thought at one point I was never going to sleep again in my life.

Hopefully your DP will stick to what he has said and help out a little more 💐

OwlinaTree · 16/08/2018 22:06

bluntness that's kind of the point of the book! It really isn't equal for women.

DPotter · 17/08/2018 13:43

Bluntness
You may have your family life sorted, but believe me when I say, your's is the unusual situation not the norm. Whether you use the word 'wifework', or alternatives such as mindspace, the effect is the same - females in family relationships frequently are expected to bear the majority of caring and home building responsibilities as well as paid employment outside of the home. And when they try to effect a change in this situation they face strong resistence. This isn't just from our male partners, family and employers also stand accused in my view.

We may not like it, we may be working towards a future where it does not happen but for now in August 2018 it is alive a kicking. And, in effect, telling a OP that the situation she finds herself in, is of her own choosing does not help the cause one iota.

OP - I don't know which profession you used to hold, but it if its a health one, there was an initiative a few summers ago offering nurses who had lost their registration free update courses plus some childcare and offer of employment. Might be worth investigating...?

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