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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To either scream or angry cry at husband..

65 replies

Hidinginthelootoo · 16/08/2018 17:40

I'm so fed up with husband attitude. We have two children, a four year old and a one year old. Love them to bits but hard work. Four year old is currently going through a very trying stage. He works hard but is home by four and occasionally works a few hours at the weekend.. apparently I shouldn't complain about being tired when he gets home as I have it easy compared to most!! We do have car for me to get out and about with but not much money. I am with two children every day all day so when he gets home from work sometimes I would like more than a lecture about what an easy life I have and what a hard one he has as he only has every evening and most weekends off... currently sitting here with frustrated tears after throwing my dinner in the bin as I just feel so fed up/angry...

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 16/08/2018 18:41

I don't understand why so many women chose to live like this. Don't you talk to each other? Didn't you think to sort out who was going to do what before you had children?

Bluntness100 · 16/08/2018 18:43

I'd agree you've backed youtself into a corner here op, a bank loan to requalify is a good idea.

rjay123 · 16/08/2018 18:45

So ask him if he would like to swap lives, as you have it so easy and he so hard. If he says yes, do a trial run for a few days, he takes annual leave, you go out and do something, anything - sign up to a temp agency and get a few shifts data entry or just go sit in a coffee shop with a book.

Then come home and crack open a beer. Leave him to do everything.

My money is on he wouldn’t cope. Things wouldn’t be done. Then see how to compromise.

ProseccoPoppy · 16/08/2018 18:45

I am the one working in our house - DH is the SAHP. I generally leave the house around 7am and get back 12 or 13 hours later, sometimes later again if work is busy. Your husband - unless he leaves at 4am or something - has a cushy, basically part time job and is being a shit. Once I am home I do at least half of what needs doing, and make sure DH can have a break. I could not do what I do work wise without DH at home so what he brings to our partnership is hugely valuable. Your husband needs to recognise that - perhaps someone needs to spell it out to him?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 16/08/2018 18:45

3k? Presumably you would earn this back quickly when you are back in practice.

They only get it... When you too are coming in late and tired.... And guess what x they have to pull their finger out or none of the wife work gets done....

Sorry... He's a dick. Not all men are like this.

apriljune12 · 16/08/2018 18:48

He’s deeply unnatractive op.

But you might need to tell him that now tonight

Bluntness100 · 16/08/2018 18:50

Please don't call it wife work.

It's a ludicrous phrase that belongs in the 50s not in 2018.

There is no such thing as wife work.

apriljune12 · 16/08/2018 18:50

And as your op asked!

Anger op anger

GripNeeded · 16/08/2018 18:50

You MUST find a way back to work. He will never respect your contribution as a SAHM which means you need to either make him step up by working so he has to do childcare or start preparing your financial independence should you need to leave. He WILL NOT change, working is the only answer

Gojira · 16/08/2018 18:51

He cannot comprehend it, because he's never had to endure the intense mental strain of looking after young children - day after day after day after day........

He's fucking clueless. So many men are.

Honestly, I would seriously consider returning to work. You have to restore the balance somehow and then you can be jointly responsible for the children and the housework.

Di11y · 16/08/2018 18:52

What about the free 15 hours for your 4 yo? Don't know how I'd cope without it

betterwithoutyou · 16/08/2018 18:54

I hear you. My DH is incapable of ever expressing any appreciation of what I do. He just doesn't see me. Because he is unable of centring anyone but himself. It sucks never having anyone able to say you are doing a good job at xxx. Or how impressed they are how you handled xxx. My marriage is totally over. I have a plan to leave.

As for getting him to understand what you do. Go away for a week and leave him to get on with it.

apriljune12 · 16/08/2018 18:54

Do you honestly think though that if she returns to work this twat will suddenly step up??

She will have 2 jobs not 1

Quartz2208 · 16/08/2018 18:55

realise he is wrong and figure out what to do

Yes its is grossly unfair he relaxes with a beer every single night at 7 and you keep on going until 9

Yes its unfair he doesnt do anything apart from have a job

and no no one is on his side unless they are misogynistic men from the 1950s

RosettaStoned · 16/08/2018 18:57

I'm on the fence with people saying OP needs to go back to work? It would only make sense if the OP felt unhappy being a sahm as opposed to being employed and if both parties agree to childcare arrangements.

I don't see why OP should feel the need to do anything about her employment status at the time being considering she has a one year old. It's putting the emphasis on being an equal partnership in the wrong place. It is to my mind enforcing the idea that a woman can't be respected as a person til she starts bringing home an income as well as her partner.

What needs to happen is for her Dh to realise how cushy has life is and how things would fall apart if OP didn't pick up the slack. Personally I'd stop doing chores for him. Pronto. Then he can see how 'hard' his life is when he has to cook his own meals and sort his own laundry after a 'tiring' day at work.

Fml, I do drop offs to kids for various childcare arrangements/school, so a full days work with an hour long commute to and from work, pick kids up en route home, then have to start all over again with cooking, reading, cleaning, bathing kids as dp usually doesn't get in til 10pm and he leaves the house at 7. The husband in this thread doesn't know he's born!!

Pooshy · 16/08/2018 18:59

Urgh I feel angry for you! What a nob

Maybe you should show him this thread

It's bloody hard work staying at home with kids, especially when they're small. It can be boring, lonely and monotonous, quite unrewarding at times and bloody exhausting!!

He needs to appreciate how hard it can be for you

DozyDoates · 16/08/2018 19:09

No real advice, just solidarity! I have two the same ages and I find my days home with them exhausting and draining, certainly not v fulfilling. I look forward to going to work three days a week for a rest!
I think the advice of finding something for you is good; whether that's a job or just a child-less hobby.
Not sure what to do about DH, though personally I have started to speak up more when I'm struggling and making sure I ask for help before it all starts to get on top of me.

Boulshired · 16/08/2018 19:11

Making sure the OP has a back up plan and future employment is important when living with a man showing very little respect.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/08/2018 19:14

Do you want to go back to work? If you do, could you borrow the money? Eg 0% credit card for a while and make absolutely sure you pay it off when the offer ends.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 16/08/2018 19:14

You don’t need to show him the thread, you need to show him the door! What a complete twat. He’s home at 4 and does jack shit. I’d get an evening job, preferably in a nice local pub and leave him to sort their dinner, bath & bed plus a list of jobs.

Bluntness100 · 16/08/2018 19:16

It is to my mind enforcing the idea that a woman can't be respected as a person til she starts bringing home an income as well as her partner

The point is that's exactly what her partner thinks. This is the core issue. That's what her op is about. He's not going to change his mind on that because he looks after the kids in his own for a bit. That's a mentality that won't change.

And it's going to get worse as the kids get older and go to school or nursery, she's left herself without a viable way of earning a living. With no kids at home, or just one, he's going to think she has it even easier.

The resentments already kicked in for both of them. The only answer is she goes back to work, at least secures her own financial future, because this situation isn't going to get any better. It's going to get a shit ton worse. Very soon she'll only have one at home, then she will have them both at school. He's not going to respect it.

Original poster

Hidinginthelootoo · 16/08/2018 19:17

Thanks everyone. Ive just had a rage at him as managed to get children in bed by 6.30. He has admitted he is a dick and that it's because it's stressful at work at the moment and he was being disrespectful to me and my position... he has even said he is booking a cleaner and insists that I go out at least one night a week with friends for a child free time (I still breastfeed littlest at bed time) he said he is sorry and that he will do more in future even if it's just half an hour with kids at park whilst I cook dinner (I wouldn't want him to cook! )..
Wish I'd raged earlier at him and knew there was a reason we'd been together for 20 years... thanks everyone for letting me vent...

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 16/08/2018 19:20

it’s not working out being a SAHM when your husband is sexist and doesn’t do his fair share of domestic work or parenting. Suggest working towards being able to get work with Ok pay.

£3k for re licensing is a lot, but a lot less than the opportunity cost of many years’ lost earnings. Getting a loan might well be worth it.

Suggest leaving your H in regular sole charge of both DC, eg 4-9pm two evenings a week and a day often at weekends.

Loopytiles · 16/08/2018 19:21

Why wouldn’t you want him to cook?

Social time would be nice, but financial independence matters.

glintandglide · 16/08/2018 19:22

OP this is ridiculous. Of course he isn’t doing anything else- why would he? You’re doing it all and complaining about how hard it all is.

As the others have said go out early evenings and do something! You’re not a prisoner

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