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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be grateful?

34 replies

Thatlifewelead · 16/08/2018 13:22

This is going to sound awful.

My Mum loves going on holiday and my Dad won't go so she takes me and my children. This has been amazing for the kids it really has and they have had some lovely holidays as a result as have I. My Mum pays for the holiday.

So far so lovely however it causes major problems for me.
I am a single Mum with no financial support. I work but on a low income and since a change in work I am truly living pay cheque to pay cheque. My Mum knows this and often lends me money (which I pay back) or buys us some shopping.

Going on holiday presents a nightmare. She gives me 'time to save up' but what if you don't have money to save!

Accommodation and travel is paid but that's still a week of take out meals, treats for the kids and we have a dog so the kennels is over £100 alone. My Mum can't walk far so what we would usually walk to save money we will need at least £30 for bus fares for the week.

I currently have £147 in my bank account for the kennels and holiday which is not enough and hoping to God my tax credits go in the day we go on holiday.

I am meanwhile low on credit with the electric meter (pre pay was in when we moved in) , have no bread or milk or juice or potatoes and will have to spend some of the above to get some.

I've tried explaining and she just says don't worry I will sub you. I've tried suggesting the kids go and I stay home (they are teens) but she's not been well and not confident at taking them alone.

I have anxiety and depression and this is just another added worry.
I'm torn because if I put my foot down and say no everyone misses out including my Mum who won't go alone.

It is just making me so utterly unhappy :(

OP posts:
dontbesillyhenry · 16/08/2018 13:25

At the moment it's not your problem. You can't afford it whether it's to please you or your mum. Give your dad a kick up the arse to go away with his wife

SilverHairedCat · 16/08/2018 13:29

It sounds like it's already booked. Cab you cancel? Sod upsetting people, you have to be able to live day to day.

I think you need a frank conversation with your mum about the cost of this "gift".

Assuming it can't be cancelled:
Can your dad take the dog?
Can you do self catering?
Is it part catered - B&B, half board etc? If not, plan picnic lunches and some picnic dinners instead of meals out.
Plan a couple of cheaper meals and say sod it. A bag of chips (depending on where the holiday is) or a McDonald's won't kill anyone now and again rather than a sit down meal.

Can you raise any more funds in the interim?

Original poster
Thatlifewelead · 16/08/2018 13:45

Dontbesillyhenry

There are valid reasons in fairness that my Dad can't cope with going.
We used to leave the dog with him but he can't manage with her anymore on top of his own due to his mobility and our dog is bonkers.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thatlifewelead · 16/08/2018 13:47

The last one last year was a hotel room with no cooking facilities.
This one does have cooking facilities so I can do a shop at the supermarket but there's a massive difference between the quality of what my Mum eats and what we do.

OP posts:
KateGrey · 16/08/2018 13:47

I think you need to be very honest with your mum and say that you just can’t afford to do it.

Lethaldrizzle · 16/08/2018 13:48

I wouldn't have a dog if I was financially up against it

MrsMozart · 16/08/2018 13:50

You can't afford it lass. Simples.

You need to tell your mum that you just don't have the money, and that borrowing it just puts you deeper in the financial mire.

Mishappening · 16/08/2018 13:51

Your Mum says not to worry - presumably she will help out financially.Just accept it. You are doing her a huge favour by going on holiday with her - she clearly enjoys holidays and company and your family going with her ticks a box for her,.

Original poster
Thatlifewelead · 16/08/2018 13:52

Lethal.
Circumstances change.
When we got the dog I worked mostly from home and had been with the same company for years. On the few days a month I was office based we used dog day care. They have since gone under as a company.

Believe me for a variety of reasons not related to the holiday I have considered rehoming her. :(

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 16/08/2018 13:56

Talk to her. If you have a good relationship (and it sounds like you do) surely you can tell her you cant afford it. Can she afford to pay for food all week for everyone? It sounds like she wants to.

RageAgainstTheTagine · 16/08/2018 13:57

Why can't she cope with teenagers? It's not like they need actual 'looking after' at that age!?

BlueGenes · 16/08/2018 13:57

You just need to tell her you're really sorry but you can't afford it from now on, she has offered to pay this time so she may be happy to pay towards the costs from now on?

NorthernSpirit · 16/08/2018 14:00

You can’t afford it. You need to live within your means.

Your mum needs to find herself a holiday companion who can afford it.

woodhill · 16/08/2018 14:02

Could your df look after the dog and your mum should pay for things if she wants you to go.

Original poster
Thatlifewelead · 16/08/2018 14:06

Rage it's not that she can't cope with the teens. It's more she hasn't been well and I think she is worried that something will happen to her when she is on her own with them and she doesn't want them to have to deal with it alone.

OP posts:
mumsastudent · 16/08/2018 14:09

off beam but could you pay her back after? - but be absolutely honest with her about your finances - & get your dc on board about limiting spending …

livefornaps · 16/08/2018 14:10

Poor you.

Just be blunt and tell her that you can't afoird to cover your costs and that if she still wants you to go then she is going to have to cover you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/08/2018 14:17

I think you should speak to her and say unfortunately it’s going to need to be home cooked food at the hotel as you can’t afford to go out. You will also need to ask her to club together to buy food. If the food she has is different from the food you eat, that’s fine, you can deal with that. Be clear. Meals out with teens is going to cost a fortune and you cannot accept a loan as you will never be able to pay her back.

Maybe she will offer to take you all out for a meal. In any case I’d try to do something nice and inexpensive for your mum that she will appreciate like cooking her favourite food and your teens giving her the table service restaurant experience in the hotel room. Make her feel a bit special so she doesn’t feel she’s missing out.

SilverHairedCat · 16/08/2018 14:18

For one week, would your dad cope with the dog if you had a dog walker in? Might be cheaper.

As for your mum's food tastes, well isn't that tough - if you're paying, she's eating... 😉

1forAll74 · 16/08/2018 14:22

If your Mum wants to go on holiday with you all,and she can pay for everything, knowing that your funds are low,,then just go and enjoy everything. I dare say,that you need a good conversation about things with your Mum first,and go from there.

My late Mother would have been like your Mum, so no need to feel guilty about her wanting you with her on hols, it will be all good memories for you in later years.

Olinguito · 16/08/2018 14:30

Would your mother be willing to pay for the dog kennels?

BarbaraofSevillle · 16/08/2018 14:34

It's not a matter of paying the money back, it sounds like the OP just doesn't have the money in her budget for a holiday. Debt on a low income can add huge extra pressures to an already tight budget, because the money to pay it back just isn't there and there's not a lot that can be cut back to find it.

OP, she's your mum. It's probably best if you are open and upfront with her that you simply can't afford a holiday as well as all your other expenses.

Tell her that either you can't go, or you can go with her, if she pays, as a gift, not a loan, because paying it back causes you stress/worry/upset. Your mum can then decide what she wants to do - go on holiday alone, not go at all, find someone else to go with, or pay for you all to go with her. Depending on her financial circumstances and mindset, she may be perfectly happy to pay for your holiday.

After all, depending on your ages, she may be of the generation that is relatively comfortable compared to younger people and she may see it as it will be your money sooner or later as inheritence, and if she doesn't spend it now while she's alive and relatively well, it'll all go on care home fees anyway. Flowers.

Original poster
Thatlifewelead · 16/08/2018 15:15

Thanks. I have had a word with her but I will have to have a word again.

My Dad has had the dog before for holidays and would take the dog for the week but my Mum wouldn't let him. In fairness this is because my Dad isn't very steady on his feet and our dog is big and bouncy and wouldn't potentially make him fall.

Last year she paid for the kennels. I felt like utter shit because of this knowing she had paid for the holiday and the hotel prior to flights etc.

This year it is UK based and she's already offered to sub me this year but I seriously don't want to be in that position. I hate them paying twenty quid of shopping for me never mind the money.

They are fairly comfortable. Not loaded by any means but comfortable in terms of they could replace a broken fridge or oven or washing machine without feeling worried about the cash to do so.

OP posts:
Guardsman18 · 16/08/2018 15:16

I really feel for you OP. You're not being ungrateful. My parents have been so, so generous over the years but sometimes it wasn't enough for a holiday for 3/4 people.

I would have to get the dc's new clothes, sandals etc and spending money. I just didn't have the extra.

Pp has said already that you need to talk to your mum and say honestly what you have said on here. You don't want a loan. You don't/can't want to be in debt.

I really hope you can talk to her. Horrible position to be in

Mishappening · 16/08/2018 15:19

I am nearly 70 - I have decided that I cannot take any money I have with me when I die - I don't have much, but you have no idea what a joy I get from treating my family. Let her do it. Give her that joy.