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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Leaving DD with PIL for first time!

44 replies

Bond0O7 · 16/08/2018 11:59

Heading back to work soon! Dd is 10 months and my first born and I havent had anyone take care of her before! PIL are my only option for child care at this moment. However I can't trust FIL sometimes because he thinks it's funny to try and give DD unhealthy food ie chocolate, soft drink, cream. He never has because I always give him a good telling off! MIL thinks she knows everything but when it comes time to doing something with DD like changing nappy or holding her properly she gets confused! Any tips on how to learn to trust them or how to stop being so precious!

OP posts:

IWantMyHatBack · 16/08/2018 12:00

Are they actually capable of looking after your DD?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/08/2018 12:03

Is nursery or childminder not an option OP?

Original poster

Bond0O7 · 16/08/2018 12:04

It has been 30 years since they have had any babies so obviously they would have forgotten some things but while their children were growing up they did have a lot of help from family so they were never alone but they have raised a good son I just think they are a bit rusty.

OP posts:

TinyTickler · 16/08/2018 12:06

Assuming this is your first child, when you had them you had literally no experience, let alone rusty experience, and you've managed to keep them alive so far.

A bit of chocolate / cream isn't going to kill your child, and the joy of being a grandparent is being allowed to spoil them.

It will be fine.

Losingthewill1 · 16/08/2018 12:07

Oh dear god unhealthy food what will the baby do! You can’t control everything and I’m sure they are more than capable

Original poster

Bond0O7 · 16/08/2018 12:08

I wasn't planning on going back to work so soon and it's only for a few days and I don't want to put her in childcare right now until she is a bit older and I do want to give her grandparents a chance to take care of her but everytime we see them some things they do irritate me because it's not done my way! So I need to basically teach them how to do things like I do it without offending them or making them seem inadequate but there is no way of knowing that they would actually listen to me and quite frankly I would have no way of knowing what they are doing. I want to trust them!

OP posts:

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/08/2018 12:09

If they're ok overall I would supply all the food for DD and say you don't want them to give her chocolate and cake etc and see how they respond.

NonJeNeRegretteRien · 16/08/2018 12:10

How does she get confused when nappy changing?! Picturing your DD walking about with a nappy on her head tbh...

It’s very difficult with PIL or just parents in general I think as they often have a habit of belittling your wishes...

How have you started the conversation of them looking after her? Do they understand her routine? Are there things you want them to do through the week with her (like play dates or baby clubs?)

All of that is probably jumping the gun slightly if you’re worried they don’t even have the basics down... where good is concerned will you be able to pack your DD a lunch and snacks each day, therefore swerving their input of unhealthy foods? Good luck!

Original poster

Bond0O7 · 16/08/2018 12:11

Tinytickler That's not the point if I tell him not to do something then he should respect my parenting and listen. When I do tell him off he does get huffy.

OP posts:

MrsSnootyPants2018 · 16/08/2018 12:12

Chocolate and creams with a little moderation and not regularly wont do much harm but the soft drinks I'd be making sure they know!

Why don't you provide lunch and snacks for her while she's with them. They'll think you're saving them time and you'll know what she's eating.

MisguidedAngel · 16/08/2018 12:13

I think you either have to let them do it their way and trust them, or make alternative arrangements. You'll never "teach them to do things like you do it".

araiwa · 16/08/2018 12:14

If you want everything done your way, do it yourself or pay someone to do it your way

As long as its nothing dangerous, let them get on with it

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/08/2018 12:15

If they get huffy when you ask them not to give her certain foods then I'm afraid you only have two options Op - nursery or put up with it. Give them a chance and see how it pans out maybe?

Original poster

Bond0O7 · 16/08/2018 12:17

NonJeNeRegretteRien She gets a bit frazzled and cant remember which way the tabs go on her which then in turn DD has become impatient and wants leave the change mat so I have to take over quickly so DD doesnt jump off the change at because MILs reaction times are slow also. I definitely would play everything out on the bench for them and see how I go. I'll be starting on Wednesday for almost 8 hours and they have always wanted to take care of DD on their own so I think a day of them before hand coming over and taking care of her while I'm at home is the way to go!

OP posts:

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/08/2018 12:18

How old are they OP?

SilverBirchTree · 16/08/2018 12:22

I would tell them to change her on the floor.

I would be very clear about treats etc. you are the parent, they need to respect that.

Yes grandparents should be able to have their fun to some extent, but they are not just grandparents now- they are caregivers. Caregivers need to remember who the parents are and respect that.

Original poster

Bond0O7 · 16/08/2018 12:26

Silverbirchtree you're right I'll tell them to change her on the floor.
Exactly If FIL wasnt always trying to shove his finger in DDs mouths with treats I probably wouldn't mind we even give her the odd taste of a muffin or something like that but the fact that he just does it because he thinks its funny and doesnt care to ask us first that's what annoys me the most of course we let her try things here and there but he just does that all the time! Dh and I will sit down and approach the rules as such before they are going to take care of DD.

OP posts:

FawnDrench · 16/08/2018 12:27

Why don't you spend the day at theirs supervising as that's where your DD will be with them.
It's their environment they're looking after her in, not yours!

Original poster

Bond0O7 · 16/08/2018 12:32

Fawndrench did I say that? They are actually coming to look after DD at my house because I want her to be in her own environment

OP posts:

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/08/2018 12:35

I think if this going to work OP within reason you're going to have to ease up a little bit. It's a huge commitment looking after a baby all day and they are doing you a big favour. Let them know what's not to be fed DD and see how it goes. They may surprise you!

MrsSnootyPants2018 · 16/08/2018 12:35

@Bond0O7 i just want say that I know you fell comfortable with them coming your home to care for her and of course they should respect your diet wishes for her etc. But if you impose so many restrictions, they may end up saying they can't look after her anymore.

The problem with GP care is that unlike nursery, they not legally blind in a way to carry out what you say, it's more a mutual agreement and there has to be some give and take on both sides of it.

enbh · 16/08/2018 12:35

I feel for you. My PIL are of an entirely different generation and we have clashed over many things. I don't have any advice but just wanted to say snap and it's not a nice feeling

Original poster

Bond0O7 · 16/08/2018 12:41

They are lovely people. If it doesnt work out and looking after her is too overwhelming for them I dont have to work it's only temporary at this moment. I bet they are just as worried as I am! Im glad they are doing me a big favour and I'll definitely try to ease up and not overthink this.

OP posts:

NonJeNeRegretteRien · 17/08/2018 22:58

Aw just ant to say huge good luck to you, hope everything goes smoothly - am sure it will!

Ethylred · 17/08/2018 23:00

Been there, done that, DD survived. And everyone loved it despite
GPs being of the "which way is up?" school of cluelessness.

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