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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Leaving DD with PIL for first time!

44 replies

Bond0O7 · 16/08/2018 11:59

Heading back to work soon! Dd is 10 months and my first born and I havent had anyone take care of her before! PIL are my only option for child care at this moment. However I can't trust FIL sometimes because he thinks it's funny to try and give DD unhealthy food ie chocolate, soft drink, cream. He never has because I always give him a good telling off! MIL thinks she knows everything but when it comes time to doing something with DD like changing nappy or holding her properly she gets confused! Any tips on how to learn to trust them or how to stop being so precious!

OP posts:

dontquit · 17/08/2018 23:31

My MIL minded my 2 dcs. I know how you feel. It is so daunting leaving them with anyone and at the time with my first I wanted to pay a childminder/Creche as felt I could tell them exactly how I wanted things done and they would have to oblige. MIL insisted she wanted to mind dc though so felt I couldn't refuse.

Looking back it has been the best thing ever. Yes she drove me bonkers at times with certain remarks or when she didn't follow our routine. I liked mine to nap in the cot whereas she just put them in buggy to nap. She had slept all hers in buggy back in the day. Didn't take me long to realise that kids are very adaptable. In Grannys house they slept in buggy. On my days off they napped in cot etc. There was a bit of tongue biting (I'm sure on her side as well!!) but at the end of the day my dcs and MIL have built up a great relationship which is beneficial all round.

cholka · 18/08/2018 06:53

Unless you're actually worried for her safety with them, I'd let them do it. Maybe leave her with them for a couple of hours while you go for coffee or something as a warm up, so you both get to know how it feels without the extra stress of you going to work?
I think it's good for kids to learn that different people have different rules, so long as it's nothing so crazy as to be harmful. My parents look after dd and I just bite my lip and let them get on with it, they seem to get on ok and the odd bit of cake or fumbled nappy change is well worth it for the fun they have together. GP see them less often so they're really focused on them and lavish them with attention, they both love it!

ShumpaLumpa · 18/08/2018 07:02

They're coming to your house everyday to provide you with free childcare.

You're very lucky and they're doing you and DH a favour. Please remember that.

Roystonv · 18/08/2018 07:19

Surely the point is that no one will do things your way be it child minder, nursery; they will all have their own routines and ways of doing things. I would suggest you have a few non negotiable rules and then let them be unless there is a genuine fear they cannot cope.

junebirthdaygirl · 18/08/2018 07:25

When l looked after my gd at that stage her dm made out a schedule for the day. It said which food when and roughly time of naps etc. It saved me thinking so l was happy. So just breeze in saying now here is her schedule for the day and the food she is to eat today.
Be prepared that they may not do it long term. I was 50 at that stage and nothing prepared me for how exhausting it was after having my own 3 with no bother. Your inlaws sound much older and 8 hours is a long time.

JustlikeDevon · 18/08/2018 07:52

I think that if you want free childcare you kind of have to suck it up a bit. They presumably managed to raise your OH without major issue.

Lethaldrizzle · 18/08/2018 08:10

Count yourself lucky you have them as an option, alot of people don't and remember they raised your partner pretty successfully.

Singlenotsingle · 18/08/2018 08:55

They've been parents themselves, successfully. They may not be fully up to date with all the modern ways, but the love is there - that's the important thing. With nurseries, there is no love. It's just a business, a financial transaction.

Backstabbath · 18/08/2018 08:58

Please don't give them a list of do's and dont's.

Oysterbabe · 18/08/2018 09:04

They're saving you a fortune in childcare and giving up their free time. When someone is doing you such a huge favour I don't think you can go too over the top dictating what they do. I'd write out a little schedule of what your child's typical day looks like just to help them and give a rough guide of timings then leave them to it. It's been a long time but they do know how to look after a child.

Momo27 · 18/08/2018 09:19

What oysterbabe says

They’re taking on a massive commitment and while it’s reasonable to set out a few guidelines, it would be ridiculous to give them a list of dos and don’t s and would probably damage the whole relationship

I’m afraid if you’re prioritising having your child looked after by a relative and are insisting it’s in your own home, then unless you’re paying nanny rates you’re going to have to accept you haven’t got the leverage to get things done your way. There’s a reason people pay for childcare... it’s not as simple as not having any other option. We wouldn’t all default to care by relatives if we could.

IME grandparents often do like to indulge the grandkids a bit, and they will see their actions as giving them a little treat, not something harmful. It seems to go with the role of grandparent to indulge a bit. Which is fine if seeing the grandparents is a special thing, and you’re there visiting too. When grandparents are effectively taking on the role of childminder and doing regular sole care, your expectations change, but in a way you can’t blame them for still defaulting to the slightly indulgent grandparent role

Momo27 · 18/08/2018 09:26

Long post there!
I suppose in a nutshell, what I’m saying is: grandparents often say the lovely thing about having grandkids is enjoying them and treating them, without having the day to day responsibility.

My kids’ grandparents certainly indulged them a bit, and were less ‘boundaried’ and structured than we were as parents. But that was fine- it’s a different relationship.
If you use gp’s as regular childcare it kind of blurs the boundaries ... are they still the indulgent gp’s who slip a treat in? or are they having to set the sensible boundaries and rules that you do when you’re looking after the kids regularly and don’t want them running rings round you?

So I don’t think you can entirely blame the gps because it must be hard to get it right

SharkSave · 18/08/2018 09:30

I would just do her a packed lunch each day and tell them it's in the fridge but the anything else they give her (to a point) is something you need to suck up. This is the downside of free childcare!
The change mat business I'd just ask them to change her on the floor or what about buying the nappy pants so they only have to pull them on, rather than faffing with tabs

NataliaOsipova · 18/08/2018 09:36

You're very lucky and they're doing you and DH a favour. Please remember that

This.

And this.

They probably are rusty, but I'm sure they'll get over that pretty quickly! I'd never held a newborn before I had my own; it's daunting, but it's not astrophysics!

MazDazzle · 18/08/2018 09:49

My MIL would have delighted in feeding my kids Mars Bars for breakfast, dinner and tea with a side of Haribo, washed down with Lucozade. She would roll her eyes at anything I suggested and do things her way. My eldest hated being held and liked to lie on a changing mat, but MIL liked to hold on to her tight while she writhed and screamed.

There are many MN posters who’d say I was being precious/micromanaging and should be grateful she’s willing to look after my children at all. Why on earth would I turn down free childcare?

Some grandparents make excellent caregivers, some are genuinely hopeless, but make wonderful grandparents nonetheless.

You don’t sound precious at all OP and you have genuine concerns. 3 days is a lorn of childcare. I think it’s tough (for you and PIL) when it’s a first child/grandchild. My MIL got better and by my third DC, she was back into the swing of it! OTOH, my own mum was great with my first, but by my third she got flustered and couldn’t cope.

Banana770 · 18/08/2018 10:17

I gave MIL a schedule for DD with what times she liked to eat and nap. We had issues because MIL expected DD to fit in around her (ie when it was convenient for MIL not when DD wanted to). It was frustrating at times but we all survived, DD has a brilliant relationship with her grandparents and it’s been brilliant when DD has been poorly and I can drop her off in her pjs with calpol! I’m glad we did it despite the initial issues.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 18/08/2018 10:30

I think if you have doubts now about the inlaws competance the doubts and unease you feel will only escalate.I see you have 2 options here,either find a proper registered child care supplier or don.t return to work and bring your little one up yourself...For what its worth I think if you continue with the inlaws it will cause a huge rift in your relationship as you will not trust them to do it as you wished,this will make you nervous and unhappy and not able to focus on your job either...Of course it could be totally possible that the pil will be wonderful and will love caring for their grandchild but if they are being asked to do this you have to let them do things their own way,,,,that takes some swallowing! My mum used to say yes I will gladly have her but if I do I am doing it my way cos it didnt do you any harm so don;t interefere!! ..and you know what she was fine ,,my mum was brilliant although her ways were different to mine I accepted it ..their relationship is brilliant years on they are still best buddies! Only you can decide what the right course of action is for your daughter but choose one you will be happy and content with x Best wishes sent

tillytrotter1 · 18/08/2018 13:14

I took a few goes to get the nappy on the right way but guess what, they survived!

I'm glad that the later posts developed the idea of 'be grateful for free, loving childcare'! As they say in the North, there's more than one way to skin a cat, and the same applies to childcare, your way is not the only effective and safe way. As this is your first child, by number two or three you'll be much less prissy and uptight!
Good luck, to the grandparents.

Original poster

Bond0O7 · 12/12/2018 13:22

Realised this was a few months ago so just an update
I didn't like how they were doing things so after 6 days of looking after my daughter I put her in childcare! So much less stressful plus shes loves interacting with all the kids!

Pils were not happy but got sick of them not listening to me and teaching her bad habits that they think is funny ( ie smacking, coughing on purpose) haven't let them take care of her since. They don't see her regularly anymore only when they want to come and take pictures to show their friends and family but hey ho.

OP posts:

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