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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To question if he can really change?

46 replies

Whatdididotodeservethis1 · 16/08/2018 09:30

I told my partner of 2 years I wanted to split up 2 weeks ago... it was a v tough decision

I explained I'm just not happy.. we are very different.. he is happy to stay home all the time whereas I need a night every so often.. and a bit if romance would be nice! (Taking me to premier inn at his local service station with kids running round on valentines night wasnt the best night I've ever had)

One if my biggest concerns was his attitude to money! And his stingeyness.. He pays £1000 a month to a pension (obsessed about accumulating wealth and retiring early) and has 2 houses and lots of equity yet he isn't generous with me and one of my issues is he's never booked a weekend away for us (I've planned stuff like suggesting our last summer hol)

He's obsessed with money saving and vouchers and not very generous. He also vaguely suggested if we marry would i consider I paying my salary into his account and he give me an allowance!! Because he's much better with money and understands stocks n shares etc... He comments if I forget supermarket bags and pay 5p for a bag (wasting 5p is his concern not environmental concerns).

(We have no kids together.. I have one from previous relationship). I work and have a mortgage and I'm financially fine but I'm doing up my house which I spend a lot of my spare cash on. He moved in 2 months ago and he asked if rather than give me bills money he just pays for the odd meal out! I said id rather have bill money as meals out should just be something he treats his girlfriend too!!! He suggested giving me £40 a month for bills (he still has to pay gas and electricity and c.tax etc on his house as we wanted to see how living together goes b4 he rents his out so I thought that sounded ok and i agreed but thinking about it I think that's a bit stingey of him? We equally pay for food.

He has money!! Yet trying to book a holiday takes months of prep to get the absolute best deal.. he's not spontaneous and makes a huge deal over any thing financial

Any way long story short I ended it!! 2 weeks later he tells me he enjoyed the 1st 2 days alone but miserable now and misses me .. hes showering me with loving messages (he never used to be this loving!!) And is now saying I was right and he wants a regular monthly date night and is suggesting holidays etc...He's suggesting bringing his bike over for a bike ride... for 2 years ive been asking to go on bikes together and suddenly he wants to!! it's like he's changed over night! Clearly making huge efforts to win me back but its almost a bit fake? Should I consider giving it another go?? (I'm 36 and don't want to waste time!) Or is this all BS talk you win me back and he can't really change??

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

OP posts:

apriljune12 · 16/08/2018 09:34

Lucky escape op.

He sounds like s CF and once a stingy bastard always a stringy bastard.

BrazzleDazzleDay · 16/08/2018 09:35

Nope he's a stingy fucker just trying to claw his way back in

Original poster

Whatdididotodeservethis1 · 16/08/2018 09:40

What's cf stand for? Lol sorry

OP posts:

Aprilshowersinaugust · 16/08/2018 09:42

Cheeky Fucker.
And he def is one!!
Ltb =leave the bastard!!

coffeekittens · 16/08/2018 09:45

He sounds like a right twat, I don’t know how you put up with that for two years. Lucky escape.

HelpmeobiMN · 16/08/2018 09:46

Don’t go back OP! He sounds awful, and he’s only love bombing you now because he wants things to go back to the way they were. It’s an easy show to put on for a while but he won’t sustain it forever. He had his chance to change when you were together and he knew this stuff was important to you. The fact that he didn’t tells you everything you need to know.

Merryoldgoat · 16/08/2018 09:49

The stinginess is enough to wave him goodbye for good.

HelenUrth · 16/08/2018 09:52

You'll be back together for 5 minutes and he'll revert to type. Get rid permanently and find someone who appreciates your and is happy to show it.

jay55 · 16/08/2018 09:54

£40 would that have even covered his share of the council tax? It was a pathetic offer.
You have done the right thing leaving. He is a miser.

LagunaBubbles · 16/08/2018 09:58

Yep youve had a very lucky escape.

Original poster

Whatdididotodeservethis1 · 16/08/2018 09:59

Thanks everyone. Jay55 he isn't contributing to my c.Tax... I get single person discount still as he still has his house and he still pays c.tax... it was a trial run living together... temporary so if only need to tell council tax if he stopped paying his own and rented his place etc.

With this in mind do u still think 40 Is unreasonable?

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 16/08/2018 10:05

Yes £40 is ridiculous.

How much do your bills cost?

Our gas and electricity is £130 a month
Food £700 ish
Sky £80
Water £40
Insurance £24

He should be paying half of all of those - he’s not using anything at his house so costs there would be minimal.

What did he contribute to food?

The comment about paying your wages to him is a massive red flag. He’s a douche.

Original poster

Whatdididotodeservethis1 · 16/08/2018 10:11

Thanks merry old goat..
Gas and elec is £70 atm but more if he's here.. (he said I'm not on the best tariff and I think he wanted to pay mehalf of what he THOUGHT I should pay lol
Water is 3 monthly. To be honest tho he didn't even give me 40 each month. One month he gave zero because he paid the window cleaner and he spent a lot on bbq meats for a bbq with my parents... he said the 25 for cleaner and all bbq food was his contribution instead of 40. (I knew i should have given him the 25 quid back for the cleaner!!). He actually gave me 40 quid 6 weeks after he moved in....

We take in turns to do a big food shop.

OP posts:

Turkkadin · 16/08/2018 10:11

Monthly date nights and the odd bike ride! What a complete fucking load of crap. He is a joyless miser and sees you as someone he can profit from. Your
Your life will be one big joyless dissapoint if you continue to entertain this waste of air.

Original poster

Whatdididotodeservethis1 · 16/08/2018 10:13

Forgot to say when we discussed the bills he said how much do you want.. I said I'm not sure. He said how about 40... I don't know why but I nervously laughed.. awkward discussing money altho I know it shouldnt be! Anyway as I nervously smiled he said "ahhh you're trying to fleece me are you!!".. as in he thought I was smiling because his 40 quid was a high amount.... his comments like that annoy me!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Whatdididotodeservethis1 · 16/08/2018 10:14

How often do u guys have date nights? My parents have said they'll have my child and we should go out more!! They've said they'll have for a weekrnd so we can go away! So there's no excuse for us not to!

Tbh I just feel bored in the relationship

OP posts:

Hidillyho · 16/08/2018 10:18

I think you have had a lucky escape. You give him your wages and he gives you an allowance- wtf?
My concern would be that if you married he would become financially abusive towards you.

If you want to give him another go then take it slow. Don’t let him move back in and get him to show you that he will at least try to change. At the moment it’s just words

Merryoldgoat · 16/08/2018 10:19

He’s a dick.

You also need to get tough so you recognise the signs in the future. Money conversations being awkward is what men like him bank on to take advantage.

What did he say his contribution would be if he moved in properly? I guarantee you it would’ve become ‘well, we were doing fine with me just giving you £40, why not carry on like that and I’ll just save the rest for our future’ but it’ll be in his name I guarantee.

peanut2017 · 16/08/2018 10:19

Couldn't be with someone who is that stingy - all for being good with money but imagine being married to him and how controlling he would be with what you spend.

You deserve better than this - don't waste any more time on him

MysteriousQuinn · 16/08/2018 13:34

Nooo don't take him back! The more serious your relationship gets the worse this will be.
We have little ones so date nights are rare because of baby sitters but before we had kids they were at least once a week. You should be having fun together!
He's boring and a miser. You don't want to be living with that for the rest of your life. Life is too short. Plus it sounds like he would be very financially controlling and completely take the piss out of you if you lived together properly.

Merryoldgoat · 16/08/2018 14:15

Does the idea of spending mire time together make you feel excited or weary?

I think that will give you your answer.

elmo1980 · 16/08/2018 14:20

Urgh he sounds like my ex who I dumped after a couple of years then he spent the next few months showering me with love messages and taking me out (never went out previously) and so I got back together with him and ended up getting married. After that he went back to how he was before. We are now divorced! People don't change.

BunnyCarr · 16/08/2018 14:29

Double trouble - a cocklodger and a CF.
He'll never change.
Tell him to fuck off for himself and find some other poor victim.

troodiedoo · 16/08/2018 14:34

40 a week would be a bit of a piss take. A month is insulting.

You've not mentioned any good points. Think your original decision was correct. Hope you're ok.

longwayoff · 16/08/2018 14:39

O whatdid please dont have him back. He is mean. With money and with affection. He will never change let some other unfortunate try him out.

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