To question if he can really change?

[Whatdididotodeservethis1]

I told my partner of 2 years I wanted to split up 2 weeks ago... it was a v tough decision

I explained I'm just not happy.. we are very different.. he is happy to stay home all the time whereas I need a night every so often.. and a bit if romance would be nice! (Taking me to premier inn at his local service station with kids running round on valentines night wasnt the best night I've ever had)

One if my biggest concerns was his attitude to money! And his stingeyness.. He pays £1000 a month to a pension (obsessed about accumulating wealth and retiring early) and has 2 houses and lots of equity yet he isn't generous with me and one of my issues is he's never booked a weekend away for us (I've planned stuff like suggesting our last summer hol)

He's obsessed with money saving and vouchers and not very generous. He also vaguely suggested if we marry would i consider I paying my salary into his account and he give me an allowance!! Because he's much better with money and understands stocks n shares etc... He comments if I forget supermarket bags and pay 5p for a bag (wasting 5p is his concern not environmental concerns).

(We have no kids together.. I have one from previous relationship). I work and have a mortgage and I'm financially fine but I'm doing up my house which I spend a lot of my spare cash on. He moved in 2 months ago and he asked if rather than give me bills money he just pays for the odd meal out! I said id rather have bill money as meals out should just be something he treats his girlfriend too!!! He suggested giving me £40 a month for bills (he still has to pay gas and electricity and c.tax etc on his house as we wanted to see how living together goes b4 he rents his out so I thought that sounded ok and i agreed but thinking about it I think that's a bit stingey of him? We equally pay for food.

He has money!! Yet trying to book a holiday takes months of prep to get the absolute best deal.. he's not spontaneous and makes a huge deal over any thing financial

Any way long story short I ended it!! 2 weeks later he tells me he enjoyed the 1st 2 days alone but miserable now and misses me .. hes showering me with loving messages (he never used to be this loving!!) And is now saying I was right and he wants a regular monthly date night and is suggesting holidays etc...He's suggesting bringing his bike over for a bike ride... for 2 years ive been asking to go on bikes together and suddenly he wants to!! it's like he's changed over night! Clearly making huge efforts to win me back but its almost a bit fake? Should I consider giving it another go?? (I'm 36 and don't want to waste time!) Or is this all BS talk you win me back and he can't really change??

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

I'd stick to your guns - he's very unlikely to change.

I get single person discount still as he still has his house and he still pays c.tax... it was a trial run living together... temporary so if only need to tell council tax if he stopped paying his own and rented his place etc.

Be very careful with that - you should have told the council the day he moved in. They can be quite hot on that if they find out.

Nooooo! Don't take him back. He offered £40 a month because he knew very well it was way off what he needed to pay. He has probably calculated down to the last penny how much he saved by moving in with you. Don't take him back.

What a charmer! Gonna be hard to live that way if he doesn’t change. If you really love him maybe take him back and see if he can alter his behaviour to a point where you are happy. It’s hard for people to change totally but if he tries really hard he might be able to get to a midpoint with you? If he’s reverting to type then at least u can dump him for good and know you gave it your best. No regrets .

Never mind anything else - u have just said your bored and it's only been two yrs - time to call it a day

Run! Run! Run for the hills!! He’s basically insisting you contribute MORE than your ‘fair share’ and he is showing all the signs of being extremely controlling in the future. And he sounds like a joyless sod TBH. You can do better than this.

Someone upthread said "miser". +1 to that.

His is name Ebenezer?

I fucked that up by mixing is and his up. Fucks sake.

He knows exactly, to the penny how much it costs to live in a house. He knows exactly, to the penny, how much he will make by renting out his place and paying £40 to live at yours (plus reduced shopping as he will wheedle down his contribution as you choose premium sausages he is fine with value so you need to make up the difference).

You are a meal ticket he doesn’t want to give up. A bike ride or two is worth it.

Don’t sell yourself short, he sounds bloody awful.

Oh and if he spends more time at home then you because he doesn’t enjoy going out and assuming he is taller than you, surely he contributed more dead skin to dust so should have paid more than half the cleaners bill.

I bet £40 wouldn't even of paid the increase in council tax you should of paid. Doesn't matter if he was still paying on his old house..you needed ot tell the council the moment he moved in

Don't be a mug

I bet £40 didn't cover the extra cost of washing electric gas wear and tear etc let alone make your life more comfortable.

I'd continue to live separately if you do decide to continue dating and I mean proper dates - cinema restaurants etc -

Do not move in with this man

Lucky escape I think, do not go anywhere near him!!!!

Thanks for all your comments.. we've spent a bit of time together these past few days and he's been very sweet and loving etc... said hes seen error of his ways and that he was a fool to be so money orientated ec... it's so hard to know what to do..

I think you have made the right decision leaving this man. He sounds like he sucks Ll the joy out of life. I find it hugely dispiriting that measures worth in how much things cost rather than how much happiness get bring.

Nothing wrong with being careful with money but when cost-cutting becomes your only hobby then you have lost perspective.

Well, he might be in the 0.01% of men who can change, or he might be doing what many men do, and telling you what you want to hear in order to get what they want.

You’d be an attractive proposition to a money minded man. Own house, financially independent.

My STBXH would tell me what I wanted to hear, for many years, despite acting in financially abusive ways. He has completely screwed me over financially and your DP’s behaviours are setting a whole load of red flags waving from my perspective. Expect good behaviour, meals out, gifts and flowers. And then things are likely to gradually get into the same rut.

If you are going to give it another go with this man, as a pp has suggested, you would be wise to make him stay at his own home. Don’t even let him stay and contribute unless you KNOW that he has changed. He could potentially claim a ‘beneficial interest’ in your house if he stays and contributes financially or practically, and he sounds like the sort of person who might know about these things.

Financially abusive men can put up a front for quite a long time in order to get the result they want, so be careful.

Give it another go if you love him but maybe set a time limit in your head to review. Either way hopefully you have done any future girlfriend a favour.

I would move in with him and give him £40 a month for bills while you rent out your house. Offer him to pay his salary and you give him an allowance - maybe enough for him to treat himself to a bar of chocolate can of pop and a copy of Beano once a week if he's been good.

into your account

He won't change, if anything it'll get better for a couple of weeks then worse because he'll think he got away with it.