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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DM has made a rod for her own back

33 replies

lastqueenofscotland · 15/08/2018 08:20

My mum has just called me in tears over my sister.
She had always been impossibly spoilt and this has carried on to adulthood.
She chopped and changed uni course 2/3 times “forgetting” to apply for finance so my DM just paid. Bought her mac books/paid for her phone contract through uni (didn’t do this for me or my other sister who got loans/jobs etc!)
Since she left she has refused to get a job because she can’t find anything she is passionate about and just works at a pub occasionally for a friend. Every time anyone suggested anything she would just dramatically sulk that she couldn’t afford it until my DM said she’d pay for her.
It was her 26th birthday at the weekend and my DM has said enough is enough and she’s not funding it anymore as she’s retiring next month and can’t afford to.
Que a massive ongoing row... apparently it’s not fair and DM should help her get to the same level as me (own a modest 2up 2 down house, a car and can afford to live simply but comfortably without worrying about money) but I’ve had a job since I was 14 apparently my mum should get my sister to this level.
My mum is devastated that she is such an entitled little shit (her words not mine)... but AIBU to think that anyone with any common sense would have seen this coming ages ago?!

OP posts:

Cauliflowersqueeze · 15/08/2018 08:22

Yes you’re right. But she was just trying her best to help.

Butterymuffin · 15/08/2018 08:23

Er, yes they should. But it's hard to stand up to someone who's had their own way for ages, and it would be better to support and empathise with your mum than to have her collapse and give in again. Think of it like that.

Timeforabiscuit · 15/08/2018 08:25

Oh.dear.

Yeah your mum has got a problem! That is quite a breathtaking level of entitlement there!

For all that is holy do not let your mother persuade you to let sister move in with you to pick up some "life lessons" it doesnt work.

Does your mum have any concrete plans?

Original poster

lastqueenofscotland · 15/08/2018 08:27

I am supporting her, of course, however I find it slightly exasperating after years of us and my uncle pointing out this would end exactly like it has she ignored us and is now shocked it’s panned out like this

OP posts:

Sparkletastic · 15/08/2018 08:28

You, your other sister and your DM need to stage an intervention and confront your DSis on this behaviour once and for all.

PetraLost · 15/08/2018 08:36

Entitled people like this only care about themselves, they will deflect, manipulate and do anything other than take personal responsibility.

Your DM needs to reduce involvement, either your sister will grow up or find a new person to suck the life out of.

Spudina · 15/08/2018 08:37

Your Mum has totally brought this on herself. It's hard to say no to your children, but sometimes it's the right thing to do. I'd be pretty frustrated by the whole situation. Time for some home truths (though your sister won't hear any of it I'm sure)

hairymoragthebampot · 15/08/2018 08:46

Your DM has enabled your sister to behave like this. Cant believe she hasn’t sorted this out years ago. I was like this to a lesser extent with my eldest. Lazy, disinterested in working, needed help to do everything including his student finance, always asking for money and getting angry if we didn’t. It was tough love for us it got bad a couple of years ago. He got into a situation at uni which left him having to get a job for a year. Expected is to pay his rent and thought he could bum around saying he was thinking about getting work. We simply had to say that’s enough. No more money. He kicked off, was abusive, said he wouldn’t see us again and we had no contact for 6mths. Best thing we ever did. Never asks for a penny. We do get on now and he is back on track. Your DM needs to sit her down and tell her that is the end of the free loading, she will get verbal abuse and be abused emotionally she needs to stand strong. If she is still living at home to I would be giving her notice to leave

ApolloandDaphne · 15/08/2018 08:53

Yes your DM has made a rod for her own back here, but she is still your mother and i think you need ti support her in standing firm in her stance against your sister. At 26 she needs to be supporting herself and not expecting your DM to give her endless handouts. It might be the making of her.

Juells · 15/08/2018 08:55

It might be something to do with being the youngest, as well. If times were tough when the older children were young, the baby of the family tends to get a bit spoiled as the parent/s are trying to provide what they couldn't give the older siblings.

Original poster

lastqueenofscotland · 15/08/2018 08:57

She’s the middle not the youngest! And as I stated I am supporting her, but just needed a bit of a vent as me and my uncle had been warning her about this for the last 2/3 years

OP posts:

Pluckedpencil · 15/08/2018 08:57

Your dm has had her lightbulb moment finally. You now need to support her rather than tell her "I told you so"

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/08/2018 09:02

Yes I totally agree with you. I have watched while dhs cousin let exactly the same thing happen and their ds is heading the same way. The younger sibling for whom they had higher hopes of succeeding dropped out of uni in her first term. No reason. Has good mental health and just didn't like if. Met a bf there and continued to live there thanks to the bank of mum and dad. I despair. You complete your first year and do your best to pass your exams or try to switch courses.

I’d still support your mum as you said you would. No one likes an I told you so.

RebootYourEngine · 15/08/2018 09:06

Your sister needs a huge wake up call.

anonymousbird · 15/08/2018 09:12

My sister is 42 and because my parents indulged her her whole life (and she bullies them), it's sadly never going to change from the type of scenario you describe. Constantly in and out of work and has never paid a bill in her life.

anonymousbird · 15/08/2018 09:15

So, I am sorry that is not a very helpful reply!

I tried to say to them around 20 years ago they needed to cut the purse strings as we could all see where it was going and they just couldn't do it as her personality disorder meant their lives were made an utter misery when they so much as tried - they couldn't bear the abuse so went along with it.

Gemini69 · 15/08/2018 09:23

let her wallow... she'll learn

Yarnswift · 15/08/2018 09:24

Support your mum. Remind her that what you have is what you worked for, not what you were given. It’s completely unreasonable to give your sister a house. Don’t tell her she’s done this herself, she knows this, what she needs is support.

Your mum needs to figure out what level and type of support she will give - for example emotional support, if sister still lives at home etc and what she isnt willing to do (money.) then she needs support to stick to it.

DerelictWreck · 15/08/2018 09:27

Oh dear. And I would bet a great deal of money that your sister did remember to apply for financing but has spent it...

Original poster

lastqueenofscotland · 15/08/2018 09:29

My mum won’t be buying her a house, she cannot afford to, she is kicking off as its apparently unfair that I have one and she doesn’t.
Apparently it’s cruel of my mother to cut her off without a house of her own
My mother is not kicking her out FYI.

OP posts:

Guienne · 15/08/2018 09:33

Can't you and your other sister sit down with this one and spell out to her the reasons why you have a house and she doesn't and tell her to back off bullying your mother? And, frankly, your mother needs to tell your sister to start paying rent on a regular basis or get out.

MrsJayy · 15/08/2018 09:34

Your sister the baby ofthe family? Your mum has clearly indulged her and yes she made a monster I have a nearly 26 year old who has a job and a mortgage. I can't believe your mum has pandered to this nonsense your sister will live though.

junebirthdaygirl · 15/08/2018 09:37

Your dm m8ght need to go to counselling herself to learn strategies to stand up to your sister as these people can be right persistent. Its good your dm has your backing and other members of the family so when your sister comes crying to ye about your dms neglect ye can back her up.
Please don't make your dm feel bad that she let this happen as people get caught up in this kind of situation bit by bit believing they are doing their best and suddenly it is out of hand. Also don't spend too much time bitching about your sister just support your dm and leave her off. It will take a while to turn the ship around.

MrsJayy · 15/08/2018 09:44

She isn't the youngest bloody hell

WoahBaby · 15/08/2018 09:47

Hope your mum can just ride this out and stick to her guns. No way does she owe your sis anything, she's had plenty.

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