Barrister: you look too well. Be more dowdy. Men's clothes are not an issue, why women's?

[Flappypants]

Hi

I had to attend court today because my narc STBXH (the groping speeder) is asserting I am a danger to the children and mentally unstable and so need an assessment. Mixed results for me but that's not the reason for this post. I was attending court. I wore a black below the knee shift dress with red shoes and a red, gold and black silk scarf. Dress: second hand Primark in an eBay bundle. Shoes by Schuh £6, eBay. Scarf £3.99, Oxfam. Total less than £15. I felt I looked smart, appropriate and respectful.

My barrister said to me "I must say you look a bit too, erm, well". I asked what he meant, thinking he meant I didn't look mad or unstable but he clarified that if it were a financial hearing I should look more dowdy and needy.

I kind of get what he was trying to say but a man would not be pulled up on his attire. Why a woman? I said that I had been brought up to be respectful and to dress appropriately to the situations I find myself in. He backed off a little saying that I must dress in a way that makes me feel comfortable and confident. We made light of it and I take on board the feedback but this isn't an issue for men, surely?

AIBU to think the world needs to sort its sh*t out?

YABU.

You are being advised that looking happy and wealthy may prove less effective in the experience of your hired professional, and you are 100% free to ignore it.

If they didn't give you the benefit of their experience they would not be very professional, regardless of how it sounds. It's not a women's issue because men are often advised to change clothing, haircut etc for court.

Tart's trotters were not a good idea.

There appears to be so many barristers on MN.

It’d be great to see one (or more) of you do an AMA

Red hat no draws

I get that you should look of modest means if it were a financial hearing.

However this was to show that the Op was not an unstable nutcase(!) so therefore she was appropriately dressed.

'Poor but honest', as another pp suggested, would generally be a good look for women in the family court. Granted this is not a financial hearing, but even where you are asserting your sanity you still want to come across as reliable and trustworthy and in need of assistance, as opposed to a power dresser ballbreaker. Lazy stereotyping of course.

It is theatre in the court room to give you the best possible chance that the judge will take your side. Judges are incredibly human. A good barrister knows the personality of each individual judge to play to their best side - this is what you pay a good barrister for. A good judge is not affected but these judges will tend to be in a higher court, not consistently the family court.

Scrumpy, there have been lawyers on AMA. E.g. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/AMA/3320332-I-m-a-criminal-law-QC-AMA

how did I miss that?! Brilliant! Thank you

When I had to appear in court I went for the modest and respectable look. Very little jewellery, very little makeup.

Don’t know if you will be cross examined but these three tips helped me immensely:

1. Answer the question (not the question you wished they’d asked).
2. Tell the truth.
3. Don’t fight every point (even if it disadvantages you). If you do the judge will find it more difficult to separate fact from fiction.

Good luck.

When in court as a witness to my own rape, the defence barrister asked me if I’d dyed my hair and put on weight on purpose.

It was a hung jury so I had to go through the whole thing again...where he noted I’d dyed my hair back to blonde and lost weight again.

The first time I was still so traumatised I said barely nothing - the second time I fired back at him that he’d seemed so bothered by my appearance I decided to make sure I was the same as during the rape - and did this fit the image he’d drawn of me for himself?

Enraged doesn’t even cover it.

(He was convicted by the way and got six years. Out in three, natch )

That is so fucked up Diana

I don't think anyone's having a go about the choice of red shoes... just that sadly some people might read anything except the most dull colours as overly 'flamboyant or possibly frivolous in a court situation. It shouldn't matter, but it's best to play by their rules.

Your barrister was spot on. A man would definitely be pulled up on it too.

It's a court setting. Modesty should prevail. I am a massive fan of dangly earrings; eye make-up and red shoes and the like but when I was in court it was a black blazer and trousers.

I used to act as a volunteer defending people facing eviction for non-payment of rent in social housing. I used to wince when someone came in dressed up, put two mobile phones on the table and then proceeded to argue they couldn't afford the rent.

Whether or not they could afford the rent in fact, they looked like they could afford the rent.

I'm reminded of court when my barrister kept telling me to look "solemn with notes of 'despair." I really struggled as I was very happy and delighted at the occasion finally happening but I did pull it off

Ha ha! She would Elspeth, maybe with a purple suit! ;)

Bluntly, I'm surprised a grown woman needs an explanation as to why red shoes are a bad choice for the courtroom.

My ex ignored his solicitor, just remembered (he went through a few) and turned up to contact hearing where he planned to argue basically he was too poor to come to me to collect dd (all of 20 minute drive at this point) in a £2500 new suit! His solicitor was not happy!

Diana so sorry you went through all that

DH2 is a pretty senior lawyer and I’ve heard a good few stories about clients - largely male - who have been inappropriately dressed for a hearing.

Puzzled as to how the OP has managed to extrapolate one event into a judgment about what her counsel would have said to any given man or woman.

Also puzzled as to why someone would be so resentful of advice designed to help them win, which is presumably what they are paying for.