To ask for help out of my mortifying situation (lighthearted)

[AccioVodka]

I am stuck in the office alone with my boss. I just did a teeeeny fart that is now threatening to choke me to death. Im waiting for it to hit my boss. I will die of shame.

Tempted to blame dodgy drains or a dead animal hiding somewhere

What do i do?!

Can you spray perfume over yourself?

At least you don't have wind whilst you're getting a massage with relaxing music.

I couldn't relax as I was sure I'd let one go if I did.

or in work based pilates, i did blame it on the floor mat but never went again

Brazen it out, next fart get boss to play "pull my finger"

A junior in work was taking forms back to one of our admin team and he said ‘oh love wrong moment, it’s choking even me just leave it on that desk and we’ll pretend this didn’t happen!’ I nearly passed out laughing at him. The other one was the bossy know it all who was ranting about something and then punctuated her monologue with a fart and said ‘oh I have no idea where that came from!’ My colleague piped up ‘yer arse!’

A friend was appearing on Royal Variety (honestly)
She bent over to bow to the queen as was uneasy curtseying and let out a rip roarer.

I am howling at this thread! I had terrible eggy farts when pregnant and usually blamed my pupils (nursery teacher) "oooh does somebody need the toilet?".

Anyway I was alone in my classroom and let rip one morning... then the cleaners walked in and said "cor it still stinks... I even cleaned them drains out this morning!". I went along with it

Pretend it’s your old lunchbox that you forgot ona desk for a week...

Put the bin over your head and do a variety show stage exit tap dance out of the door, with a big trombone finale.
Then run home.

My maths teacher once farted very loudly when bending down to pick up a piece of chalk (that's how old I am!)

You can imagine the reaction of a class of sixth formers. Poor bloke! Bloody funny though!

Own it. Stare boss straight in the face and say "what, do you not fart?"

For reference, check out my username. I fart, a lot!!!

When I was heavily pregnant with my first, I went in boots the chemist to buy something over the counter, the pharmacist came out and he was just drop dead gorgeous, as I was telling him what I wanted I farted so loudly and he could not have not heard it, I would have been mortified in normal circumstances but in my heavily pregnant fed up state I just didn't care! You'll get over it op!

have to say chortling at these, read them to dh who now insists that I confess to the enormous post- roast- dinner-vegetable fart I did last night, I was protesting he was making a fuss over nothing till I walked back into it....

I had had some kind of gastric thing once, I kept doing really nasty eggy burps. Thought it had gone.

I was at my nephew's bday party and talking to my mother in law and she knew I'd been ill and how.

While talking to her a burp came up but I swallowed it away (so I thought) silently but this vile, vile smell came out.

We were standing right next the fucking table with the cake on too ffs and I was mortified that the smell had gone near it.

We both just carried on as though it didn't happen.

Just say, 'Sorry about that, it's not what you think, it is in fact something far worse'. He will spend the rest of his time working with you, thinking FFS, she's shit herself, he will be so relieved, you only farted, he will think nothing of it.

I once managed to randomly convince a huge fart I did was the sofa to my boyfriend (not sure why because I’m usually one for owning it).. all good.
Til about 3 minutes later when I was texting my friend telling her how bloody proud of myself I was for managing to convince him when it was so obvious and he was stood behind me and saw my text

I once did a silent but violent fart during a big presentation,. It was so bad that 3 of us were scrambling about the stage trying to find a different place to stand like 3 fucking blind mice

Crying laughing 😂😂😂😂

I did a fart (that really wasn't that bad) but made someone who isn't great with smells, sick!!! ☺

😂 This thread. Got my Gin, my mature cheddar kettle Crisps, I'm sorted 😂

I regularly blame my farts on my baby- who farts like a trooper but generally they don't stink. DH now just automatically assumes that the baby has produced a rancid smell. I go along with it. He's 1 so I probably haven't got long until he can defend himself

when heavily pregnant with dd1, I did some truly revolting farts, it was a hot summer day too, thought I would spare dh the smell, so I went away from him, but sadly placed myself right behind the fan which was blowing in his direction... he wasn't impressed to say the least, to this day I still laugh when I think about it.

We have a five-month-old puppy who does terrrrrrible ones on the regular so I can mostly blame mine on him. Except for the one I tried to blame on him after a great big chopped salad. DH looked at me and said "[Puppy] DOES NOT EAT CABBAGE you awful woman!" and we both cracked up.

My very worst was after French onion soup with a garlic bread and gruyère crouton. Oh, and three pints of Marston's Pedigree.

DW hung out of the window coughing and retching, while DD, then about 4, cried because "my nose doesn't like me".

Waiting for the lift in a shop in town with DH and ds age 1. DH did a horrendous fart. A staff member came out of the stock room which was right next to the lift about 30 seconds later and said "oh are you going up to the baby changing, I can tell, enjoy that one" that's how bad it stank!!!! I genuinely peed, don't know how oh kept a straight face