I think a married man likes me, how do you tell?

[Skylantern]

So I work with this guy, not often but do cross paths for a small time each day.

I am happily taken in a long term relationship and he is married. He is a bit older, not sure how much by but def older at least 10 years.
When I first saw him he looked a bit awkward infront of Me, caught him looking once but only once. He doesn't really talk to me other than say hi or whatever.
Anyway my boss had me working with him the other day because someone called in sick and he looked instantly uncomfortable....but as the day went on he got more confident.
I have been out of the game so long I can't tell what is banter and what is flirting.
Some of things he said made me wonder if he was trying to flirt such as...

• asking lots about me and I felt he was trying to find out if I had a spouse from some of the questions.

• when I said I don't have any pockets for pens he told me to put it in my bra

• he said he was going to tell my brother who he knows but not close with that he is going out with a chick today and was going to pretend it was me but then said Maybe not...

• I felt he was fishing for compliments asking me why I liked working in his department and do I like it more now? I think he was trying to get me to say it was because of him.

He also told me he used to go out with a girl years ago before he was married in my area but had another one on the go at the same time somewhere else and said back when I was young and had fun.

I know these things aren't that flirty but there was something about him which made me think he was trying to get me to flirt with him.
I can't really tell him to back off when he's not obviously done something to say he's interested.

You lost me at he told me to put it in my bra.

Erm, you do know he is totally sleazy.

I would go straight to HR and file a complaint if I were you

The only correct response to comments about pretending he's seeing you or putting pens in bras is to point out how inappropriate he's being. It matters not whether he likes you, he's the sort of bloke who would shag anyone willing.

God it is stupid isn't it. I'm not doing anything to lead him on so I will just keep my distance.
I've gained weight and felt shit about myself recently so it just surprised me. He's not the same with the other women at work infact he's a well liked person. I actually thought he was a bit shy and awkward, it's just when we were working together he came out of his shell.
Anyway I shouldn't have asked. I should just take the opportunity to work on my self esteem. I used to be a looker, and confident....i think the attention made me realise how much I have lost that. I don't want to pursue anything with this man....but I do need to get my confidence back. The old me would have made him feel embarrassed by his behaviour.

Seems awful.

What a dick.

Putting pens in your bra?

He sounds like a 15year old boy

Yea flirting. Don’t feel you have to be polite if he makes you feel uncomfortable.

His behaviour is grossly inappropriate OP. He's married. To be making advances to you like this should tell you he is a lecherous sleazebag. If polite brush offs aren't working you need to be more direct and insist that he cease and desist making improper advances to you.

And I don’t know why you’re getting a hard time. It can be confusing if you really don’t feel you’re attractive. You worry they’re taking the piss or that you should be grateful for attention. Just beware of him.

Ask his wife. I expect she could answer your question.

His wedding ring glows with the words I am a cheat....

Well that's a bit strong worlybear, she's not even sure he's flirting.

My mental image of this character is making me cringe. As for putting the pens in your bra - bleurgh. Don’t you know that is an unacceptable thing to say to any woman, OP?

What is this childish nonsense?!

The two timing, the bra thing & mooting pretending he's going out with you is him testing the waters for a fling. Subtle he isn't.

You need to find a way of building your confidence that is not based on male attention.
As for this particular man, you should report anything openly inappropriate, but otherwise the only way to deal with him is not to give him any thought, he doesn't deserve it and being singled out by a sleaze bag is not a distinction, it just means he thinks you would be vulnerable. Prove him wrong.

He sounds like a creep, not surprised you want him to back off. I agree that it would be OTT to actually say anything but I would shut it down in other ways. If he makes creepy comments about your bra etc just ignore them (this will feel uncomfortable but force yourself to put up with the silence). Give brief, factual answers to his questions about you and then turn the subject back to your work. Don’t seek him out for any further conversations. He will soon realise it’s not worth bothering and leave you be.

when I said I don't have any pockets for pens he told me to put it in my bra

he said he was going to tell my brother who he knows but not close with that he is going out with a chick today and was going to pretend it was me but then said Maybe not...

Totally unprofessional of him (but we didn’t hear your responses or th context.)
I’d probably have loged these incidences with HR.

You sound like you are in a rough place I wouldn’t be giving this guy any headspace, rather I’d focus on yourself and improving your self esteem - you don’t sound very happy. Also agree with corythatwas it’s not a distinction, he sees you as vulnerable to his “charms”

God, get back to the old you op and make him feel embarrassed! He sounds really smarmy and a bit sad.

Ah OP. I know what it’s like to feel low about yourself and how those crumbs of attention can seem like feathers of gold, even under the unflattering light of creepy attention.
But don’t fool yourself.
Don’t let guys like this be the ones to boost your self esteem. You’re better than that.

Self love first. The rest will come!

That's a really nice post, TheVanguardSix, I feel a bit sorry for the OP now.