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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to object to being used for childcare? And if I'm not U help me be assertive

43 replies

ShitWomble · 14/08/2018 13:02

I'm 21, my sister is 27. She's in a lot of debt and I've left an abusive man so we've found ourselves having to move back into my mums house at the same time. My mum is a carer for my younger sibling (severely disabled and prone to aggressive meltdowns)

I have no Dc's but my sister has a 5yr old son (who I do love very much).
However, she keeps dumping him on me. What I mean is, I'll say, get up at 9:30am. While I'm having a shower or a coffee in the garden or something she'll go out (alone) leaving her son here. He'll either come and find me or I'll go in and see him sat alone on the sofa. I then have no choice but to look after him - I can't leave it for my mum to do as it's a 2 person job to look after both children (my younger sibling and my nephew) as if my younger sibling has a meltdown it's impossible to keep my nephew safe if you're alone. My sister then wont return until between 3 and 7pm. The few times I've brought it up she insists she "had to go out" but when pressed admits she just went to the sunbeds, went for coffee and then picked up £20 worth of tat from a bargain shop. She won't apologise and keeps doing it
In the last 2 weeks it's gotten even worse, and my sister has even said I don't do enough around the house. She doesn't either because she goes out (to various places) at least 6 times a week and I'm knackered from looking after her kid anywhere up to in excess of 35 hours a week. And of course, she doesn't pay me.

Things have come to a head this week because she's got a wedding to attend on the weekend and her planned childcare has fallen through (3 weeks ago) But I'm meant to be out this weekend. She assumed I'd be home and is now absolutely incensed that I've made plans to go out. The thing is though she didn't even tell me when her plans fell through, she just assumed I'd be here to look after her son for 2 nights... I don't want to back down but I'm finding it hard to cave.
This is effecting my mental health and even though my plan is to study from September on I honestly just want to move out (tough but not impossible) and go back to work so I don't have to deal with it anymore. It feels like I've gained a child I'm looking after him so often and with such short notice but he's my nephew I don't think I should be expected to do this.

OP posts:

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 14/08/2018 13:05

Your mum and you need to sit her down together and confirm he is her child, not yours or your mum's! Yanbu, good luck!

NapQueen · 14/08/2018 13:06

If you arent in does she do the same to your mum?

30hours · 14/08/2018 13:07

Nephew shouldn’t be in a house with someone who is prone to violent outbursts regardless of disabilty. It’s damaging for him.

If she leaves her child again simply call social services and explain she’s abandoned her child in dangerous circumstances.

YeTalkShiteHen · 14/08/2018 13:10

Wow she’s a cheeky fucker isn’t she? Her poor boy, knowing his own Mum will just ditch him on a whim! (Not that parents don’t need a break, but not so often and not with assuming!)

OP I think you and your Mum both need to sit her down and tell her to grow up and be a Mum. She’s incensed you’ve made plans?? Ooft. Tell her she needs to do what every other parent has to do when their childcare lets them down and cancel.

Why should you cancel your plans? You don’t have a child, she does.

JellyBears · 14/08/2018 13:11

How about you go get a job then you won’t be in to be dumped on?

Original poster

ShitWomble · 14/08/2018 13:11

I don't know if she would nap but she doesn't because she does it as soon as I get up. So if I have plans that day they have to be cancelled. I haven't stayed out overnight yet (it's pretty rare for me to). I hope she wouldn't because then she'd be putting her son at risk.

30hours
There isn't anything anyone can do about that, though (short of my sister deciding herself to move out, thus far she has not). Sibling was here first obviously and my sister moved in with her son so I can imagine she considered that as well as potential effects on nephew emotionally etc, at least I hope so.
I don't think I could call child services, that's a bit extreme and would likely result in a huge family rift.

OP posts:

YeTalkShiteHen · 14/08/2018 13:12

How about you go get a job then you won’t be in to be dumped on?

Or the sister could parent her own kid? Just a thought.

Cuppaorwine · 14/08/2018 13:14

Why don’t you have a job? Why doesn’t your sister?

Your mum could do with some rent I expect. Tell your sister if she pisses off again without telling you you will ring SS and tell them she’s neglecting him.

Thehop · 14/08/2018 13:14

I’d find yourself a job, then she can’t do it.

And absolutely do NOT change your plans this weekend. This is your only chance to Penske her realise she has to treat people properly. If you let her get away with this you’re forever screwed and a doormat.

Cuppaorwine · 14/08/2018 13:15

And where’s the kids dad?

FawnDrench · 14/08/2018 13:15

Where's the child's father in all this?

Why aren't you working?

Littlebluebird123 · 14/08/2018 13:18

Is your mum on mumsnet?
The situation seems familiar. And your sis is being a cf.
You need to tell her.
If you want to be involved ie to show some support then you can say when you're available to sit for her. And then she can hardly say you're not willing to help her.

Obviously if you don't want to then you shouldn't feel obligated. Is there any way you could just leave the house asap to avoid her dumping him? Even if you have no plans so she can't just assume and run?
Or does that leave your mum to cope alone?

icelollycraving · 14/08/2018 13:19

I’d be up and out earlier than 930. Poor kid being dumped. I assume he’s at school though?
Your mum shouldn’t be having to deal with all that on top of her caring, she must be exhausted,

Original poster

ShitWomble · 14/08/2018 13:20

I lost my job because I had to move 70 miles away from where I was living and could no longer do the commute or the hours (such as early and late shifts) via public transport. I've been living off my savings since and I'll be studying full time in September. As for my mum could do with some rent I do pay her keep thanks, as well as buying my own food. That is absolutely not what this is about...

OP posts:

Cuppaorwine · 14/08/2018 13:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

YeTalkShiteHen · 14/08/2018 13:23

Cuppaorwine that’s not only uncalled for, it’s also making a hell of a lot of assumptions and you’re attacking OP for no good reason.

She’s stated why she’s not working, despite it being completely irrelevant to the thread, and that she pays her own way.

Why are you on a thread to argue about something that is fuck all to do with the original question? Seems to be your MO.

Cuppaorwine · 14/08/2018 13:23

Ok take that back then op.

Just tell your sister when and if you want to babysit you will offer but she can’t assume. Be very firm and don’t give her an inch this weekend

ladybee28 · 14/08/2018 13:24

She's just left an abusive relationship, Cuppaorwine – she's allowed to drink her coffee wherever she wants. Wind it in.

Cuppaorwine · 14/08/2018 13:26

Oh it’s you again. Good user name for you.

See my above post and kindly mind your business. You post your shite and I will post mine. And many posters questioned the job issue as if you have a job you are actually not at home are you.

YeTalkShiteHen · 14/08/2018 13:27

Whether she has a job or not is completely irrelevant to the thread and always was Cuppa. But then you’re usually to be found hovering around threads having a go at OPs who don’t work aren’t you?

YeTalkShiteHen · 14/08/2018 13:27

Mind your business right back fucking at you.

Maelstrop · 14/08/2018 13:30

Pre-empt tour sister, leave the house! Sit her down and say you will no longer be looking after her child unless she bloody asks and it’s convenient for you.

RB68 · 14/08/2018 13:31

She could be doing nightshift for all you know - point is it is irrelevant to the fact that her sister is being downright fucking lazy in terms of looking after her own. However I would agree to being up and out before her and see what happens. Get yourself out and about for a change of scene.

Not long till september.

NonaGrey · 14/08/2018 13:32

Tell her firmly that you won't cover the wedding for her you have plans.

Tell her you won’t be available to mind her child without advance notice, then make sure you are up and out the house before her. Take yourself off to the library to do advanced reading for your course.

LittleOwl153 · 14/08/2018 13:32

When you get up, go straight to find her tell her you are going out and that she cannot leave without the child. If she does then you need to leave too. If this leave your mum with the problem then she needs to speak to her. Tell your sister you are not assuming respinsibility for him from now on so she will need to ensure he is sorted. And mean it. He is not your problem. Not make him your problem by cancelling plans and staying in. By doing do you are enable g her to do this.

Really I think you need to get a job - even as a student you will likely need to work part time. Why not fi d that job now ahead of the student rush.

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