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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to object to being used for childcare? And if I'm not U help me be assertive

43 replies

ShitWomble · 14/08/2018 13:02

I'm 21, my sister is 27. She's in a lot of debt and I've left an abusive man so we've found ourselves having to move back into my mums house at the same time. My mum is a carer for my younger sibling (severely disabled and prone to aggressive meltdowns)

I have no Dc's but my sister has a 5yr old son (who I do love very much).
However, she keeps dumping him on me. What I mean is, I'll say, get up at 9:30am. While I'm having a shower or a coffee in the garden or something she'll go out (alone) leaving her son here. He'll either come and find me or I'll go in and see him sat alone on the sofa. I then have no choice but to look after him - I can't leave it for my mum to do as it's a 2 person job to look after both children (my younger sibling and my nephew) as if my younger sibling has a meltdown it's impossible to keep my nephew safe if you're alone. My sister then wont return until between 3 and 7pm. The few times I've brought it up she insists she "had to go out" but when pressed admits she just went to the sunbeds, went for coffee and then picked up £20 worth of tat from a bargain shop. She won't apologise and keeps doing it
In the last 2 weeks it's gotten even worse, and my sister has even said I don't do enough around the house. She doesn't either because she goes out (to various places) at least 6 times a week and I'm knackered from looking after her kid anywhere up to in excess of 35 hours a week. And of course, she doesn't pay me.

Things have come to a head this week because she's got a wedding to attend on the weekend and her planned childcare has fallen through (3 weeks ago) But I'm meant to be out this weekend. She assumed I'd be home and is now absolutely incensed that I've made plans to go out. The thing is though she didn't even tell me when her plans fell through, she just assumed I'd be here to look after her son for 2 nights... I don't want to back down but I'm finding it hard to cave.
This is effecting my mental health and even though my plan is to study from September on I honestly just want to move out (tough but not impossible) and go back to work so I don't have to deal with it anymore. It feels like I've gained a child I'm looking after him so often and with such short notice but he's my nephew I don't think I should be expected to do this.

OP posts:

BlueBug45 · 14/08/2018 13:33

Her poor boy, knowing his own Mum will just ditch him on a whim!

This is an important point.

As a PP said you need to sit down with her and your mum, and tell her that she cannot dump her poor son on you both explaining your own reasons but stressing her son will have issues due to their move and dumping him on relations will make him feel abandoned.

SteakSandwich · 14/08/2018 13:40

Make plans to stay at a cheap hotel or with friends this weekend. Don't tell her, get up before she gets up on Friday/the day before the wedding (don't leave it until the day as it's too risky), and just go.

Pinkvoid · 14/08/2018 13:41

The part about SS being interested in your nephew being in the house with a disabled child is absolute nonsense. How many children are in the world living with a severely disabled sibling? Such an ill thought out remark.

Are you moving away when you start uni? I would strongly consider it. It’s not long until then. For now, I would be waking up and leaving the house before she does.

Istolethisusername · 14/08/2018 13:44

This is familiar. Are you the poster whose sister was letting her ds wake you and your mum up early in the morning??

You need to stand your ground. Don’t cancel your plans.

Mitzimaybe · 14/08/2018 13:45

OP YANBU and she is a CF.

You need to be very careful this weekend though as she is clearly very sneaky and you are too soft. I agree that if you can possibly stay somewhere else on Friday night then you should do so, otherwise I fear your plans could get scuppered.

SnowyAlps · 14/08/2018 13:46

This is familiar. Are you the poster whose sister was letting her ds wake you and your mum up early in the morning??

This is what I was thinking too....

FlyingElbows · 14/08/2018 13:48

Me three. You've written about this before, haven't you?

DarlingNikita · 14/08/2018 13:48

I'd get up before her and be out of the house first.

This weekend, definitely be out on Friday night.

But you all need to have a proper conversation about it.

Singlenotsingle · 14/08/2018 13:49

OMG - I'm so sorry for the little boy, and possibly even more sorry for OP's mother. That poor woman. She's got her own disabled son to look after (sounds like he can't be left alone), 2 adult daughters to worry about AND her dgs. But it certainly doesn't sound like a safe environment for a 5 year old to be living in. He'd be better off in foster care imho.

YeTalkShiteHen · 14/08/2018 13:51

I’d also make it very clear to your sister that if she fucks off to the wedding and dumps her poor boy on your Mum who already has caring responsibilities for her own child, that SS will be called. No question. Your sister is a shocking mother and it is not up to you or your Mum to cover her arse.

LagunaBubbles · 14/08/2018 13:54

So if I have plans that day they have to be cancelled

No they dont. Your nephew isnt your responsibility.

DadJoke · 14/08/2018 13:56

The only way you are being unreasonable is that you are accepting this, and she will continue to take advantage until you do something about it.

Here is a compromise. First, tell her you will not do child care without her arranging it with you first. Caring for her child is her responsibilty.

For a couple of weeks, get out of the house before she leaves and go somewhere else, to study or whatever else it is you want to do. Let her know you are going to do this. When she has a go at you, listen intently and paraphrase what she says back to her.

However, she is your sister and you want to help her, so offer to do some childcare at specific times - say one specific day a week plus babysitting on specific nights, if you are feeling generous. This isn't dependent on what she wants to do - it just gives her a chance to get away.

Let your mum know that you will leave the house if your sister leaves her son with you without your permission, so it's your mum's problem, too. I realise this might be difficult for her, but it will concentrate her mind after the first time.

Inertia · 14/08/2018 13:58

I’m not convinced that social services will actually do anything if other adults are in the house, regardless of your mum’s other caring responsibilities.

Your best bet might be to arrange to move into a shared student house, because there’s every chance that your sister will sabotage your studies.

Guienne · 14/08/2018 13:59

I second the idea of going out on Friday night and staying out, otherwise your sister will dump her child again.

I also suggest you tell her that in future you will not be cancelling your own plans to look after your nephew, and that if she tries dumping him again you will be tell SS that he has been abandoned.

YeTalkShiteHen · 14/08/2018 14:01

I’m not convinced that social services will actually do anything if other adults are in the house, regardless of your mum’s other caring responsibilities.

They would, because the Mum is already caring for a vulnerable child and shouldn’t be dumped with another who’s Mum can’t be arsed. Safeguarding both children would be considered.

NadiaLeon · 14/08/2018 14:13

OP - this is hard for you and not as easy as others make out.
Families are fcukers aren't they....

September will be here soon so I'd just grin and bear it.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/08/2018 14:20

If you and your mum have already talked to her, the only way you're going to be able to stop your sister is to be out of the house before she is.

And that goes for this weekend, too. You really need to be gone early this weekend.

Isawthelight · 14/08/2018 14:38

How about you go get a job then you won’t be in to be dumped on?

don't talk shite.

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