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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Clothing your children

50 replies

NewGrandad · 14/08/2018 10:57

Conversation at work today with 3 colleagues who have children ranging from 5-15. They were discussing school clothes for returning tomorrow and there are so many things that there children WON'T wear!

Surely while they are children you, as the parent and the one paying, decide what they wear? Especially if it's already been bought?

Also noticed this with my sister and her 2 wee ones. "Such a hassle getting out the door today as Child1, aged 6, would only wear his raincoat." Sunny day.

Is consultative clothing the done thing nowadays? Has so much changed in the last 20-30 years?

OP posts:

SnuggyBuggy · 14/08/2018 10:59

I don't think it unreasonable for an older child or teenager to have some input into their clothes.

abbsisspartacus · 14/08/2018 11:00

My eldest won't wear jumpers it's too much trouble to force him

Racecardriver · 14/08/2018 11:04

Do you have children? Have you trued forcing a jumper on a child who simply refuses to wear one? It doesn't matter if you ask for their opinion. If theu feel strongly enough they will voice one regardless anday even go as far as to act accordingly.

Pickleypickles · 14/08/2018 11:05

Pick your battles. Is it really worth having a half hour hoo hah because a 5 year old wants to wear wellies on a sunny day? No it's not. 15 yr olds have a style so I wouldn't expect to just buy a 15 yr old clothes with no input and them wear them. 5 yr old little different but there opinion still matter for example if I knew a 5 yr old hated green I wouldn't buy them a green coat and expect them to wear it.

JacquesHammer · 14/08/2018 11:06

Is consultative clothing the done thing nowadays?

Yes - why would I want to force someone into wearing something they don't want to?

Pinkvoid · 14/08/2018 11:08

You have never met an extremely stubborn eight year old boy then . Christ, my DS can be an absolute nightmare at times. Short of literally physically forcing something on him complete with pinning him down, he will refuse to wear certain things.

MrsSnootyPants2018 · 14/08/2018 11:08

Clearly you haven't tried forcing a 4 year old to put on something they truly don't want to wear!!

I lay out options for my DD (that will match in any combination) and let her get on with it.

I don't let her pick what I buy or anything, just what she's wearing that day.

RiverTam · 14/08/2018 11:08

Back in the day we were forced into this, that and the other for no particular reason other than our parents deemed it necessary. These days people are more relaxed and less inclined to physically force their children to do things unless it’s for safety reason (like wearing a seatbelt or bike helmet).

If it’s a sunny day and a child wants to wear their raincoat, well, why not? If nothing else, they will learn (rather than simply being ordered) why wearing a coat on a hot day might not be a great plan.

As my mum once said, children get told to put on a jumper when their mothers feel cold.

SaoirseTheSeahorse · 14/08/2018 11:08

Within reason, why would you force another human being to wear something they don’t want to? Would you do it to an adult? So why would you do it to the people you (probably) love more than anyone else?

I think it’s a case of picking one’s battles. As long as they aren’t naked / wearing far too much in the heat I’m not especially bothered how my dcs look.

BikeRunSki · 14/08/2018 11:10

DD(nearly 7) will not wear dresses, leggings, tights or trousers that are “too skinnY” or “too flappy”. She wears short layers to school most of the year (will, at a push, wear tights under if there is snow and ice). There is one Boden trouser style and one Asda jogging bottom style that she will wear. She is pretty compliant in many ways, but has very strong feelings about what she wears on her lower body. I don’t think it’s that unusual for children to have feelings about clothes, particularly sensory feelings (dd hates the feel of fabric on her legs, but considers dresses /skirts to be far to impractical).

SoyDora · 14/08/2018 11:11

My 4 year old chooses what she wears each day. As long as it’s suitable for the weather and for whatever she’s doing that day, I’m not bothered!
I tend to choose outfits for my 3 year old and she hasn’t yet got the ‘suitable’ thing but I wouldn’t force her into something that makes her uncomfortable. What would be the point? She’d just take it off anyway.
Children don’t have control over much in their lives so clothes is one way to let them have a bit of control and express themselves. Absolutely no way I’d battle with mine over a rain coat, I’d just say ‘well if you get too hot/sticky then that’s your issue’.

SnuggyBuggy · 14/08/2018 11:11

Definitely pick your battles. My DM used to tell me a story about a friend who was made by her parents to wear naff shoes until the day she burned them . Parents decided it was just easier to let her pick her own shoes.

Sockwomble · 14/08/2018 11:28

It can be how the clothes feel rather than how they look and forcing some children to wear clothes that to them feel uncomfortable is asking for trouble.

toomanysmallpeoplecallmemom · 14/08/2018 11:29

I let my 3 year old dress himself yesterday, he chose: jogging bottom style shorts, a dress shirt, sandals and a woolly hat he was super proud of himself, we weren't going anywhere with a dress code

JynxaSmoochum · 14/08/2018 11:33

DS (7) has hardly worn trousers in the past 3+ years. I gave up physically wrestling clothes onto him when he was 2.5 and it became clear that he really, really wasn't going to accept wearing dungarees again, not even the charming pair with his favourite vehicle on. We then had coat refusal when he was 3. The coat was lugged everywhere all winter. No point in wrestling it on when he could shuck it off quicker than I could force it on.

My policy is that he has access to practical clothing and the option to choose to accept it. He owns a pair of unworn school, casual and tracksuit bottoms in case and they inevitably go on to DS2 in a pristine state, often with tags still on.
In the winter he has a good supply of long socks which I think is a warmer combination than thin school trousers, and after years of exposure, his leathery knees are pretty tough. During the -5oC temperatures he was happy to sledge in shorts, but I did have spare layers avaliable to accept if necessary. He glows white hot on thermal imaging cameras compared to other family members glowing red with white patches.

He is very sensory about the fit and fabric of clothes and likes them as soft and loose as possible. Respecting his comfort makes for a much happier child and healthy relationship than if I ruthlessly forced him into unneccesary clothing to be seen to do the conventional thing. It is not a phase. As long as he abides by important dress codes and is safe, I am happy.

trancepants · 14/08/2018 11:34

My 5yo DS rarely cares what he wears and will just put on whatever I give him. (Possibly backwards or over his pjs because he's paying so little attention.) But of course "consultative clothing" should be a thing and if a child really hates an item it shouldn't be forced. Children deserve bodily autonomy as much as anyone else. As long as they aren't putting themselves or others in danger, it's their body, their choice.

Kokeshi123 · 14/08/2018 11:36

I let my daughter pick her own clothes because I cannot be arsed and it means I have an extra two minutes to put some makeup on.

I have been known to veto really stupid/impractical outfits though.

Bluelady · 14/08/2018 11:37

How would you feel if someone else decided what you were going to wear, OP? I take it you don't have children?

InDubiousBattle · 14/08/2018 11:38

My dd is 3 and has very strong opinions on what she wears. I mainly just let her get on with it and only have things that fit in her wardrobe for her to choose from (I have a higher cupboard for party dresses which she would wear everyday but i'm not prepared to iron every day!). If she wanted to wear a raincoat on a sunny day she'd get too hot , take iron off and have to carry it. Far better way to learn the lesson I think. I wouldn't force her to wear anything, she'd just carry in taking it off so what would be the point? It's just not a hill i'm willing to die on.

MrsAidanTurner · 14/08/2018 11:44

Agree with picking battles.
Sometimes it's chosen sometimes they have choice but I'm not one for the pinning down and forcing children on anything.

I think there are many ways to come at a problem and I don't want to wrestle their self esteem and spirit out of the them

MrsBlaidd · 14/08/2018 11:50

I insist on a type of clothing for my girls e.g. leggings for the park because of slides etc if circumstances warrant but otherwise give them free reign.

However I make it very clear if they choose silly shoes or insist on wearing a coat on a nice day that I'm not returning for something more comfortable and any unnecessary clothing I haven't insisted on is carried by them.

There's a difference between forcing your children to wear what they don't want and having a reasonable approach that doesn't result in daily arguments.

JuniLoolaPalooza · 14/08/2018 11:50

It really is picking your battles, setting the tone of your relationship and developing how I want my kids to be.

My dd went through a stage of only wearing her swimming costume when she was 2. We got some looks but it ended up bloody handy when we came across some fountains she wanted to play in. Other kids were told no and we had a great hour or so playing.

I look back on my childhood, and even how my mum is with her now, and wonder wtf she got the energy for all the pointless battles. I also want my daughter to have a strong sense of self and not comply with the 'norm'. Why shouldn't she wear a swimming costume all day if she wants to? The only person that suffers is her, and I always take spare clothes.

Mari50 · 14/08/2018 12:03

I have friends who have real struggles getting their children to wear suitable clothes and there’s always the ‘I told you so’ moment when they are too cold/hot/wet etc but it genuinely is a situation of ‘pick your battles’
My dd is totally chilled re what she wears, sometimes she’ll ask to wear something else but even at 9 she’s usually happy with what I pick out for her. She does occasionally pick her own stuff out but she’s genuinely that unbothered that it’s usually me who picks it an outfit in an attempt to get her out of her pj’s.
But I do sympathise with parents of objectors because I’ve seen enough to know it’s a losing battle

SisterNotCisTerf · 14/08/2018 12:06

Do you have children OP?

AlonsoTigerHeart · 14/08/2018 12:07

Surely while they are children you, as the parent and the one paying, decide what they wear?

Aye but kids don't give a shit because they are kids programmable robots

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