DH gym habits and end of maternity leave

[Sunday89]

I’m coming to the end of maternity leave - going back to work full time at the beginning of September when DC will be 11 months old.
During maternity leave DH has been getting up at 5.40am, fannying around for 20mins then going to the gym from 6am - 7.40ish. He then gets home, makes himself a coffee and a protein shake gets himself ready and showered and leaves the house.
During this time the baby will have woken up, I make him a bottle and feed him, change nappies (twice usually), do the babies breakfast and my own then clean up the breakfast mess, play with the baby and generally tidy eg empty dishwasher, put clothes washing on.
Now come September I’ll be needing to leave the house by 7am, arrangement is DH will drop baby to nursery then I’ll pick him up. I’m starting to get a little pissed off with the swanning out the house DH does every morning so asked him this morning if he’ll be cancelling his gym membership when I’m back in work. THeres no way I’m getting myself and the baby ready - I’ll need help in the mornings.
His answer for not helping out - he’s going to work for the rest of the day. He reckons he’ll swap gym sesh to the evenings after baby is in bed.
When exactly am I meant to have a lovely hour ++ to myself!?
AIBU after a year nearly of him having all this time without helping and doing precisely whatever he wants in the morning, that when I’m back in work full time the arrangement for helping and free time has to change?
What do other working parents do? Thanks

Can he go to the gym on his lunch?

We have 3 DC, I started at the gym when my youngest was 7 months old. I'm up at 5.30am to go. Most of the time the kids and DH sleep through me getting up and leaving.

DH goes to the gym twice a week on his lunch and to football one evening a week. I think this is fair enough. The gym is a little bit of something that's just me, for fun and because I want to. It really helps to keep me sane, and I love my gym friends.

I was actually really glad when my DH took up the gym and football 2 years ago. Prior to that he was very sedentary and I worried about his long-term health.

Agree with PP that it feels more like you're worried about going back to work full time and fitting everything in. It is hard to keep a house and kids and have both parents working full time. I felt like I was constantly rushing from task to task. I find part time work much more manageable, but I know that isn't always possible.

It’s going to need to be an equal partnership and you need to get it sorted now

I think your mistake has been not viewing it as work when it is and letting him get away with not doing anything

We have 2 evenings each a week to go out dp has mon/wed i have tues/thurs then the weekend we stay home. Really the gym or a class at the gym is only 1.5 hours max so you still have time.

We also take turns getting up and putting to bed it's better.

When I go back to work (September for me too) I will have two children to juggle, a job in a school, plus my older sons after school activities, cooking, cleaning, housework, shopping etc.
We have sat and had a frank discussion about our needs to our own time as well as the hours we work and have decided that the nanny will be staying late on Mondays and possibly Thursdays so that my husband can go run club whilst I go to the gym. That way there is no arguments about who is “owed” what time, who does more etc, it’s an hour each week that we both get to destress and unwind.
Every summer holiday my husband also takes one random day off and looks after our children whilst I go for a spa day - this is usually pre arranged with my parents and my friend.
I always allow him one weekend in may when he goes to a games convention/comic con type thing.
We both do those two things without complaint. The rest of the parenting is 50-50 as much as possible.
So if he’s not home to do bedtime, he’ll cook our dinner, if I’ve not done the bins because the kids are sick, he will take them out.
Currently I’m suffering from a really painful illness so he’s offered to cook tonight, even though he knows he’ll probably do bedtime....

leftright I suggested that as she complained the baby was getting woken. If he can’t go in the morning or night when is he supposed to go?!

Maybe he just doesn't get to go every single day when he's part of a household with a baby and to full time jobs.

We have 2 evenings each a week to go out dp has mon/wed i have tues/thurs then the weekend we stay home. Really the gym or a class at the gym is only 1.5 hours max so you still have time.
This is ideal scenario for me I think. Realistically I do actually like him and would like to be able to have dinner/spend a little bit of time in the evenings together so I think he just needs to realise that daily 1.5 hour gym sessions will have to change from September. Will look into getting a cleaner but like others have said there’s still a lot of other daily chores that need doing even if you have a cleaner a couple of hours per week

minge I think it will be fairly obvious to the H that the routine will need to change and the op has said herself they will work out a new routine for both of them.

Do you? I see zero basis to assume that. We know that some men understand the need for things to change and others don't get that their life won't carry on as normal when the mother goes back to work too. He could be in either category.

Is the daily gym a new thing since you had the baby?

I go to the gym every weekday. I have a routine and I find it harder to go every other day, so I go every day (hellish meetings and illness aside). I am flexible around when; as much as I can be, and there's a crèche here - DP tends to come with me 95% of the time! Would that work for you?

That aside, you've made a rod for your own back by letting him have every morning stress free - it hasn't done either of you any good. You could have had a better maternity leave and he'd have less of a culture shock if you'd made him pull his weight before.

Talk to him. Agree who does what and when; including when you have time together. If he's a good guy, this should be easy to fix, really.

Who knows? The op knows him better than we do.

I’m the female equivalent of him, I’m at the gym at least 4 nights a week, more if my shifts allow. Although to be fair, when the schools go back I will be able to go some mornings.

His answer for not helping out - he’s going to work for the rest of the day. He reckons he’ll swap gym sesh to the evenings after baby is in bed.

THAT would send me round the deep end. What the hell does he think you're doing? You'll be working fulltime, too, AND have a baby. You'll also be helping sort baby and yourself in the morning, just as he'll be sorting himself and the baby. Why does he think he'll get every evening to go to the gym? What about you?!?

Tell him you will be alternating going out on evenings since he clearly doesn't want to spend any of the time with you. Perhaps you should join his gym and use it; insist upon it. Half of the outings should be yours.

The OP does know him better than we do, and she's evidently not impressed with his plan. Understandably so. And if they alternate weeknights and he also goes at weekends, there's his 4 sessions. Pretty good going for someone with a baby and in a 2 x FT working household.

You need time to be you and not a Mum. Going back to work FT is tiring, I had 2 when I went back FT. My DH did the morning thing, I started early and got back early to get the DC. We took it in turns to run in the evening, if you missed your slot that was it though!! It worked really well, and we ran on a Sat together while the DC were in the creche at our gym.
Now the DC are older I go to the gym every morning but we can both do what we like in the evenings and my DH likes his later getting up time in the week.
It is all about compromise and not feeling put upon. I would look at getting a cleaner as that eases the time at weekends. Most important of all talk to your DH.

DH and I share gym sessions. We usually go a kids' bedtime or just before. He goes mon, wed, fri and I go tues, thurs and Saturday. We are usually back by 8pm so have the evening with each other afterwards.

Can't you do something like that? Doesn't need to be the gym you go to but go out with friends/do a hobby?

WTAF? So the fucking gym is better than spending time with your spouse and mother of your child? How will that work when the baby is teething or ill? They don't always go peacefully to bed at 7pm. So you tag team each other every night to go to the bloody gym meaning one person doesn't go until 9 or 10pm when they have to get up at 6 the next day to get to work?
Anger issues there?
Obviously if the baby is ill or teething, or OP / DH is ill or tired, or if something else comes up then plans change. I didn't say it had to be set in stone. OP may have no desire to go more than once a week in which case she can put her feet up in front of the telly (or whatever she fancies) while DH is at gym so no tag team required.
My point was that DH shouldn't have to give up what he enjoys just because OP doesn't have an equivalent out-of-the-home activity. They'll still have the weekend together, and much of the evening, just the same as most couples with FT jobs, a baby, and lives.

His answer for not helping out - he’s going to work for the rest of the day

But once you're back at work this will also apply to you, so the morning labour should be divided between you or alternated. Can't see how he could argue with that.

He also needs to get used to doing bedtime. Alternate that as well instead of doing it always yourself.

How about he switches his routine to something that doesn’t involve the gym, a 30 minutes run starting from your house but only so much that you also have time together and you also get time for yourself. So that means maybe 2-3 times a week, you get equal time and then you have your evenings together too. Or better yet, he goes on his lunch break like lots of people have to!

But realistically I think the gym needs to go on the back burner for a month or so until you both adjust to the new routine. Mornings and evenings when you are working full time and trying to get everyone out of the house are massively stressful. You both need to prioritise family life and work and surviving while you get used to the new normal. Then once you know how it’s working, you’ll be able to find time in the day for the non-essential stuff.

I would just be wary of scheduling in your own time so you never see each other. I have friends who’ve done this, never saw each other except to hand off the kids as they ran past each other to their respective scheduled hobbies, and a year or two down the road, they started scheduling in time with their affair partners because they were totally disconnected and had all these hobbies but no relationship left. Obviously ‘me time’ doesn’t cause affairs, but if you already are stressed with small children and careers, it can prevent you from getting the quality time together that you really need if it becomes too tit for tat.

mind Not everyone who goes to the gym does cardio, running therefore isn’t a substitute.

And it’s a hell of a leap to introduce talk about affairs.

Well thanks everyone for the advice - we’ve had a chat this evening and decided that we’ll both need to be around to help in the mornings. Evenings plan is he’ll get mon/wed to gym and weekend morning if he wants, then I’m either going to join the gym myself or go swimming on Tues and Thurs. To be honest 2 evenings a week will be plenty for me and then Friday and weekends will be family time. I’m happy with this! Actually quite looking forward to being back in work and having a bit of time to myself for a change!

Have you sorted out dividing housework 50/50 as well

Oh he knows that will be going back to 50:50 as I’ve regularly said that the only thing I dislike about being off on mat leave is ending up doing more housework when I’m in the house more!
To be fair he really is quite good, cooking dinner at the moment, did bath time and did all the bins as soon as the baby was asleep. I am going to look into a cleaner though to ease the pressure off both of us and so we don’t end up wasting precious family time on the weekend doing all the cleaning!

Definitely have a further discussion regarding life work. Don't settle for as and when approach, think about all the work surrounding your new roles as parents and work on dividing that up fairly before you go back to work. Cleaners are well and good if you can afford them but the dishwasher still has to be loaded and unloaded, cooking done, shopping done, lunches made, child's bag packed, cleaning up food that's been tossed on the floor by toddler, wiping down the sides, laundry, who takes the day off if and when the child is ill or for his/her jabs, etc. Don't become the default for all of that or the monitor of it all.

To be fair he really is quite good, cooking dinner at the moment, did bath time and did all the bins as soon as the baby was asleep.

C'mon! That's diddly squat. Don't give an adult kudos for being good for doing a minimum just because that adult happens to have a penis. You'll end up resentful. And yes, men can see dirt and use initiative, they do it at work all the time.

I'm a year further on than you. My DH goes to the gym every night. It is wearing, it does have an effect on the relationship.

He is not "helping", he is an equal parent, he needs to be having an input. You need to have the conversation, he needs to start doing practice runs in a morning to prepare.

Every night won’t be happening. Two or three sessions I can cope with, after bedtime and chores are done and I will be having the time myself on 2 other nights to exercise or swim. I know it’s not ‘helping’ I haven’t listed every little thing he’s done this evening but he has pulled his weight as we are a team. Practice runs in the morning are probably a good idea though! Although I’ll be leaving them to it as I’ll be out of the house by 7 most mornings and nursery doesn’t even open until 7.30... so he’ll just have to get on with it!
I was just massively feeling the frustration this morning but realistically it’s only a few more weeks then we’ll all be forced into a completely new routine anyway