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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH gym habits and end of maternity leave

80 replies

Sunday89 · 14/08/2018 08:26

I’m coming to the end of maternity leave - going back to work full time at the beginning of September when DC will be 11 months old.
During maternity leave DH has been getting up at 5.40am, fannying around for 20mins then going to the gym from 6am - 7.40ish. He then gets home, makes himself a coffee and a protein shake gets himself ready and showered and leaves the house.
During this time the baby will have woken up, I make him a bottle and feed him, change nappies (twice usually), do the babies breakfast and my own then clean up the breakfast mess, play with the baby and generally tidy eg empty dishwasher, put clothes washing on.
Now come September I’ll be needing to leave the house by 7am, arrangement is DH will drop baby to nursery then I’ll pick him up. I’m starting to get a little pissed off with the swanning out the house DH does every morning so asked him this morning if he’ll be cancelling his gym membership when I’m back in work. THeres no way I’m getting myself and the baby ready - I’ll need help in the mornings.
His answer for not helping out - he’s going to work for the rest of the day. He reckons he’ll swap gym sesh to the evenings after baby is in bed.
When exactly am I meant to have a lovely hour ++ to myself!?
AIBU after a year nearly of him having all this time without helping and doing precisely whatever he wants in the morning, that when I’m back in work full time the arrangement for helping and free time has to change?
What do other working parents do? Thanks

OP posts:

C0untDucku1a · 14/08/2018 08:56

Does he thibk henis doing the nursery drop off, or does he know he is responsible for waking, feeding, dressing and dropping off baby???

I think a conversation about household tasks needs to be had before September.

FruitOnAPlatter · 14/08/2018 08:57

We split it so one does mornings, one does bedtime.

I do mornings (which, TBH, is more work, but I'm more of an early riser than DP anyway) - so I do breakfast/wash/schoolbags/packed lunch etc. then DP drops them to school/nursery on the way to work. I freelance, generally from home, so I do pickup and dinner, then DP puts them to bed when he gets home (brush teeth, pyjamas, bed).

We kinda enforce that on a normal day, whoever is responsible for the tasks doesn't ask the other to help, so they can have that time as a break (DP lounging in bed, me just sitting quiet and reading) - I used to tidy up the living room when he did bedtime, but then i realised I don't actually have any downtime alone if I do that.

LotsToThinkOf · 14/08/2018 08:57

Amounts of time doesn't really work - this all sounds very tit for tat and not very healthy.

Basically, you make sure you're both able to do some of the things you want to do. You share the housework and make compromises over who stays at home and when. If he's always gone to the gym every day then there's no reason he can't still do that, even if you don't get the same amount of time back. As long as you can still do the things you want to do then it's fair, you don't need to have the same in amounts of time as each other.

mistermagpie · 14/08/2018 08:58

Every day is unreasonable but alternate days is fine. That's what DH and I do, so one parent does bath/bedtime (we have two kids - 1 and 3) and the other goes out for a run. I get Monday, Wednesday and Friday and he gets Tuesday and Thursday and one weekend day. We both have a day off at the weekend. Works for us, no resentment.

expatinspain · 14/08/2018 08:59

I do think when you have a young child and are both working the sacrifice is your time together. If one has a hobby and the other doesn't, it can definitely cause resentment. Get yourself a gym membership too, or book a class you want to do.

AjasLipstick · 14/08/2018 08:59

I think you're getting worried OP about how it will all work when you're full-time.

LeftRightCentre · 14/08/2018 09:02

You need to spell out all the work, sit down and decide how you will share it out. If you're both working FT, then you split the parenting and house duties equally, with hobbies coming after that with equal free time. This is why it's always a mistake to make mat leave into housework leave because the one who's not on leave gets the idea that they can carry on as usual without changing a thing. It needs to be made clear that his going to the gym every fucking evening is not acceptable as it means you don't get time off and that he will be doing his fair share in the morning and in the evening after work.

sonyaya · 14/08/2018 09:02

I don’t think his compromise now is unreasonable but I do think if he was getting up at 5:40 in the week, he should have used these early starts to give you a lie in sometimes, assuming you’ve been up with the baby in the night.

Nikephorus · 14/08/2018 09:03

So it would be fair for him to change to alternate days gym in the evening (rather than every day he does now) and I could do the same... that does seem fair.
Why can't he still go every day if he wants provided little one is in bed and you're not going out for whole evening? You could go as many nights as you wanted, but go at different times so there's always one of you at home. It's not his fault that he has something he likes doing and you don't. You shouldn't be curtailing his activities provided he pulls his weight which it sounds like he's prepared to do.

BaronessBlonde · 14/08/2018 09:03

It’s not work to be home with the baby all day

Sorry, Sunday, but YABU.
It is totally work to keep a small human alive.
That's what lands women in trouble...thinking that minding babies/small children is not work.
Of course it is.
You haven't set your 'working' hours and a stopping time- that's a job that will need to be negotiated with your DH now that you are taking on a second job.

viques · 14/08/2018 09:09

Sounds as though you will have earned a full days fannying about every weekend. Which do you prefer ,Saturday or Sunday?

LeftRightCentre · 14/08/2018 09:10

Why can't he still go every day if he wants provided little one is in bed and you're not going out for whole evening? You could go as many nights as you wanted, but go at different times so there's always one of you at home.

WTAF? So the fucking gym is better than spending time with your spouse and mother of your child? How will that work when the baby is teething or ill? They don't always go peacefully to bed at 7pm. So you tag team each other every night to go to the bloody gym meaning one person doesn't go until 9 or 10pm when they have to get up at 6 the next day to get to work?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 14/08/2018 09:17

I think going every day is too much. 2 or 3 times a week is reasonable. Even if he does 3x then you were out 3x then that only leaves you one family or couple night a week. And actually, I'd be pretty pissed off with the current situation as where is your free time? He gets an hour off to himself every morning at the moment. Yes I know the baby probably naps but that time seems to be eaten up quickly by jobs, and you're still 'on duty' so can't relax properly.

I'm on maternity leave (we have an older child as well). My husband tries to go a run 2 or 3 times a week for an hour or so. One of these will be in the day if he works from home and the other two after the kids are in bed. In this case he tells me not to clear up etc as he will do his share when he gets back. He also encourages me to go swimming or to yoga or something in the evenings (I haven't yet as too knackered but will one day!). I think that's fair. Yes he does work hard but it's so full on being at home all the time, you really do need a break from it (or sometimes knowing you can take a break from it is enough). My husband did the last two months of shared paternity the first time though and says he thinks it's easier for him being in work often so I think he appreciates the monotony

Original poster

Sunday89 · 14/08/2018 09:17

*Why can't he still go every day if he wants provided little one is in bed and you're not going out for whole evening? You could go as many nights as you wanted, but go at different times so there's always one of you at home. It's not his fault that he has something he likes doing and you don't. You shouldn't be curtailing his activities provided he pulls his weight which it sounds like he's prepared to do.**

So I get home 5.30... we do bath time and get the little one to bed (say by 7pm if all is ok with him), then one of us goes to the gym til 8 then the other 8.30 - 9.30? Feel knackered just reading that when do we eat
I think pencilling in classes/gym days so we each get 2 or possibly 3 per week will be most fair. Like the idea of prebooking a course so it’s all set in stone. I did used to do this pre-pregnancy and mat leave just feels like a very long time ago!!

OP posts:

LeftRightCentre · 14/08/2018 09:20

Yes, because there's also dinner dishes to put in the wash, dishwasher to unload, clothes to be dried/folded and put away, baby's bag to be packed for nursery, bottles to be prepped, shopping to get in. Where does that all fit in with dashing off to the gym every night of the week? And not to mention, a relationship with the gym being more important than one with your spouse.

When you have small kids, things like daily hobby has to take a back seat to the work that goes with having young children.

Tough shit. If you want an easy life don't have kids.

MingeUterusMingeMingeYoni · 14/08/2018 09:20

Yes, that sounds difficult to organise. If the intention is to tag team it every evening, do make sure you get the first session of the night an equal amount of the time OP. Because the one on the 9pm slot is much less likely to get out when you're both knackered, got colds you've picked up off the baby who got them at nursery etc.

But tbh I think it's reasonable to want some time together in the evenings. You need to sit down and have a proper talk about how all this is going to work, especially given that he doesn't really get it at the moment because you've been doing it all.

Also, it's only not work to be at home with a baby all day if you've got a nanny too.

LeftRightCentre · 14/08/2018 09:21

All those little chores that still need done even if you have a cleaner, and not everyone can afford one of those, particularly if you have a high rent or mortgage and childcare fees.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 14/08/2018 09:21

Oh and make sure he is getting baby up and dressed and ready if he's doing drop off. Also I'd be asking for a few lie ins now given he likes getting up early. It's not on sacrificing your sleep so he can go to the gym! We do alternate mornings

Original poster

Sunday89 · 14/08/2018 09:26

Really? I literally do everything every weekday morning. And I’m pretty sure it’s the 5.40 alarm and creeping around that’s actually waking the baby up

OP posts:

Flaskfan · 14/08/2018 09:26

Cbeebie is your friend if Dh wants to do mornings. I started getting up at 6 after dc, so I could shower. Dh leaves for work at 7. Dc used to sit in my bed, watching telly, while I got ready. All down by 7, breakfast and o u t by 730. It was relentless, but we survived. Gym nights went down to one per week after work and one before.

Nicknacky · 14/08/2018 09:27

So tell him to go in the evenings from now on. No more 5.40 wake ups then.

LeftRightCentre · 14/08/2018 09:28

Really? I literally do everything every weekday morning.

Put a stop to that. It was a bad habit to get into in the first place. But now, just cut it. Parcel out who will do what in the morning and then leave him to it. Do not step in if he's forgetting stuff or cocking it up, fuck it, it's his lookout.

LeftRightCentre · 14/08/2018 09:29

So tell him to go in the evenings from now on. No more 5.40 wake ups then.

Right, then he skives out of evening chores and they get no time together during the week. Sounds like an excellent thing for a relationship.

Nicknacky · 14/08/2018 09:32

leftright I suggested that as she complained the baby was getting woken. If he can’t go in the morning or night when is he supposed to go?!

A few gym sessions isn’t going to break an otherwise healthy relationship. And there is more to life that chores and work.

LeftRightCentre · 14/08/2018 09:34

A few gym sessions isn’t going to break an otherwise healthy relationship. And there is more to life that chores and work.

He's not talking about a few, he's suggesting he goes every night, and whilst you have a baby, most of life is chores and work. It's temporary, not forever, the labour decreases over time, but many a relationship breaks down when one person insists their hobby is more important than life work and parenting. Next to money and cheating, it's a top cause.

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