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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL makes me anxious

37 replies

wednesdays · 14/08/2018 05:30

MIL and FIL pick fights wherever they go. With people in the street, restaurants, shops. They just cause trouble about prices or service or pick on what someone is doing or stare at people until they say something.

It’s got to the point that I panic when they are visiting because I know they will be embarrassing in public. I have been sick because they are coming. Can’t eat or sleep. Have to keep them away from people I know because they will be rude to them.

MIL also makes snide to me remarks and tells me to do things I don’t want to do like lend SIL money. I’m not the right personality to say no. On the couple of occasions that I have said no she has “punished” me, for instance by telling her family (who do as they are told) not to remember my son’s birthday.

AIBU not to see her? I have a young son and they are a bad influence on him also because they gossip and say nasty things about people in front of him. I don’t want him to see them. When SIL split up from her husband MIL taught the children to say nasty thing about him so I don’t want her seeing my son alone or with DH either ( DH says he never notices the nasty things).

I don’t want to see her anymore.

OP posts:
caseoftheexfiles · 14/08/2018 05:33

Unfortunately you need to grow a thicker skin.

She sounds hideous. You will find that by cutting her off you are more anxious initially but that will pass and you will be fine

Original poster
wednesdays · 14/08/2018 05:36

You mean cut her off so I don’t have to see her anymore?

OP posts:
MissDai5y · 14/08/2018 05:41

Geez, I thought I had it bad with a hard work ex copper for a FiL but since the littleone was born he's been brilliant.

Whether in laws or your own parents you'd be well within your rights to not see them. I would say though, if you haven't yet, it would probably be fair to tell them what the problem is and give them a chance to adjust their behaviour when their with you for the sake of seeing their grandchild.

I doubt your littleone would pick up their horrible habits, you're obviously not like this so he'd probably come to learn that that is the way they are but NOT the way he should act.

That said, I'd struggle to say anything and the sending money to SiL thing is mental.

Good luck

Original poster
wednesdays · 14/08/2018 06:12

SILs children picked it up, are rude to people, copy what MIL says about their dad. Before I had my baby I would sometimes hide when they came. Sit in the garage and pretend to be out. I don’t want to ever see them again. The thought makes me ill.

OP posts:
toomuchtooold · 14/08/2018 06:27

Your main issue is probably your DH - he can't make you see your MIL but if he wants your DS to see her, then that is a problem, because you have to choose then between seeing her yourself and letting your DS go into her company with DH, who presumably won't be able to hear it when she starts filling his head with shite. It's a lot easier if he's in board. I'd recommend reading Toxic In-laws by Susan Forward (and her book Toxic Parents for your DH if he'll read it), and read some of Captain Awkward for advice on how to shut down toxic relatives when you can't avoid them.

Original poster
wednesdays · 14/08/2018 09:51

DH says to do what I have to do. He’s never introduced his parents to his friends or even my family (got married overseas on our own with no family there because I didn’t want them there).
I think he would be ok if I said not to take our son because he knows the language and actions of his sisters children are due to them.

OP posts:
Poudrenez · 14/08/2018 09:54

Good God OP, she sounds like an absolute toad. It does sound as though your DH has shouldered you with some of the responsibility in a way, you don't have to do anything - she's really not your problem.

Original poster
wednesdays · 14/08/2018 09:57

Is it ok to not see her just because she is not nice? I don’t think she can help it, it is the way she was brought up herself in a rough place.

OP posts:
Original poster
wednesdays · 14/08/2018 10:00

She’s my baby’s grandmother whether I like it or not.

OP posts:
whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 14/08/2018 10:03

She's abusive, your child could pick up on it and your husband is okay with you not seeing her and possibly her not even seeing the grandchild. What is there to think about?

ApolloandDaphne · 14/08/2018 10:06

They sound horrendous. Let your DH go and see them on his own and stop them visiting you. Grandparents have no rights. They need to work on their behaviour if they want to be part of their grandson's life.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 14/08/2018 10:08

Stop it! Don't martyr yourself to the "She's their grandma" bullshit.

Your DH has given you free rein to do what you feel is necessary, you say he recognises her influence in DNs... so take him at his word. Neither you nor your kids make any effort whatsoever to see her. Your DH can make his own decisions.

Once you have changed how you behave/react to her your DH may well surprise you and lose his own need to placate her.

Original poster
wednesdays · 14/08/2018 11:03

Some of it just seems so petty to be cut off about. Not the telling people to be nasty to my son, that is unforgivable, but hinting to me and then being cross because SIL has no money and being rude to people on the street, are they reasons to cut off? They are relentless and I have stomach cramps the whole time they are here and have stopped driving (for over a year now) because I’m scared. I was never like that.

We would go into a cafe and look at the menu and as soon as the waitress came FIL would start telling her the prices were too high and she can’t charge that and me and the poor girl would be blushing really badly and it’s not as if it’s her fault and the prices aren’t even high because we take them to cheap places hoping they won’t complain!

He announces loudly that “at home” (in the north west) they can get a cup of tea for half that price blah blah and by this time everyone is looking and it goes on and on in this way. MIL says there’s too much food and it isn’t cooked right, she always eats it all and then blames them for being too full. FIL says there’s not enough food and they’re a ripoff. They talk loudly about people on the next table calling them “ladidah” if they are southern and how they are ripped off everywhere in the south.

I had to leave last time with my son, everyone was staring. I apologised to the waitress on the way out. It was awful.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 14/08/2018 11:07

They sound vile
Don’t visit them or invite them to your house.
If DH does go out or go to stay with your family
You do NOT have to put up with such awful behaviour just because you are related to them by marriage
The problem will be if DH doesn’t back you up.

Original poster
wednesdays · 14/08/2018 11:10

But like the first poster said perhaps I should somehow get a thicker skin. I daren’t tell them, when I asked them to be quiet once (there were people I knew in the place) I was punished by them shouting even louder to embarrass me on purpose. How do people put up with relatives like this?

OP posts:
Original poster
wednesdays · 14/08/2018 11:11

Thank you all. I expected everyone to say I had to put up with them because DH does, other family members go. The ex BIL would never go out with them but everyone else goes.

OP posts:
sexnotgender · 14/08/2018 11:15

YANBU, they sound vile. Stay the heck away from them and limit as much as possible their access to your kids.

Poudrenez · 14/08/2018 11:20

She’s my baby’s grandmother whether I like it or not

Your son is her grandchild, whether she likes it or not, but look at how she treats him. Listen to what your gut is telling you, it's not just that they aren't nice, using your son to hurt you is serious stuff. I don't see how you can make things better with someone like that. Your DH's has given you the green light to not see them, this is an opportunity to have a think about the sort of relationship you want with these people.

From what you've written I am guessing that you've been brought up to be loyal to your family. That's fine if your family are functional, but these people sound anything but. It's OK not to engage with them, really.

tillytrotter1 · 14/08/2018 11:23

Either don't put yourself into embarrassing situations such as eating out with them or the minute they start get up and walk out. She's like she is because you allow her to be. When she's with you, don't sit there cringing, remove yourself and your child from her presence even if it's in your own home. Your BIL seems to have the right idea!

FrayedHem · 14/08/2018 11:24

I wouldn't be spending any time with them. I'm cringing just reading your posts. How often do you see them?

prunemerealgood · 14/08/2018 11:24

OK, they are horrible people - several things need to happen here.

  1. YOU don't have to spend time with them. If they want to see their grandchild then your DH has to be made to understand that it's his family, his responsibility. This is your mental health here, it's not for him to mess about with by leaving you to shoulder this vile behaviour.
  1. He needs to have a good long hard think about a) you (as above) and b) his child. You can together come to a decision about what sort of access they get but I'd advise you not to let them have your DS alone if that is something they expect or will do in the future.
  1. He needs to realise that their behaviour isn't quite normal and it's not really ok. That is always hard for an adult child.

For context, I've not cut off my MIL (she's difficult but nothing like yours!) but I had a good long talk to my DH about how she treats me, and I stated that I didn't want to cause any trouble but that he was going to have to go and see her with our DC if he wanted to have a relationship - I would join them occasionally but nothing like before. This has been really successful in our family and nobody but DH knows about it. I invented a busy life :) I thoroughly recommend inventing one too. (My SIL often does the same, I've noticed.)

And my own mother is awful, actually quite similar to what you describe - knows the price of everything and the value of nothing, and is often rude to people in public because she has a fantasy that she's a decent person who deserves special treatment for her decency. (She is not decent.)

She has no access alone to DC - this is quite easy to manage without making it official. We are not encouraging, full stop, so she very rarely visits. It's not great but it works. I don't want her personality becoming normal to them.

Your ILs are bullies, and you're right, standing up to them will be intolerable (for you - they'll likely enjoy it!) and there's no way you should be expected to do this. Your DH isn't doing it because he too knows what the repercussions are. He is the key here and I'd bet your chances of getting him to take on the responsibility are very, very low - so I recommend you become as busy as you possibly can and make yourself unavailable to spend any time with them. Hard at first but bring in a 'new normal' if you can.

SnuggyBuggy · 14/08/2018 11:25

So what if they are your child's grandparents? I'd maybe consider some meetups in someone's house to minimise embarrassment but life is too short to be getting that stressed. I'd also be tempted to call them out on their behaviour and be prepared to leave.

milkmoustache · 14/08/2018 11:29

Your DH hasn't wanted his friends or your family to meet his parents, that is a pretty clear sign that he knows how awful they are. Plus he isn't pushing you to put up with them, so he is really on the same side as you here. Limit your contact as much as you want, with a clear conscience.

Bond0O7 · 14/08/2018 12:07

My parents were somewhat like this. They didn't pick fights with strangers but between the family so I stopped speaking to them for several years. Gave them an earful about what they were doing then no contact I've only just recently started being in contact and they have been great they have definitely learnt their lesson and even if they talk about others it's most likely between them two rather than going around telling family.
It's probably easier said than done but best to tell PIL what they are doing and if they dont stop their actions then dont see them anymore. A bit tricky since there's a child involved so hope they dont turn to your child and say horrible things about you.

Cuppaorwine · 14/08/2018 12:19

Good grief op both of you stop seeing them and keep your child away from them they sound insane

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