MIL makes me anxious

[wednesdays]

MIL and FIL pick fights wherever they go. With people in the street, restaurants, shops. They just cause trouble about prices or service or pick on what someone is doing or stare at people until they say something.

It’s got to the point that I panic when they are visiting because I know they will be embarrassing in public. I have been sick because they are coming. Can’t eat or sleep. Have to keep them away from people I know because they will be rude to them.

MIL also makes snide to me remarks and tells me to do things I don’t want to do like lend SIL money. I’m not the right personality to say no. On the couple of occasions that I have said no she has “punished” me, for instance by telling her family (who do as they are told) not to remember my son’s birthday.

AIBU not to see her? I have a young son and they are a bad influence on him also because they gossip and say nasty things about people in front of him. I don’t want him to see them. When SIL split up from her husband MIL taught the children to say nasty thing about him so I don’t want her seeing my son alone or with DH either ( DH says he never notices the nasty things).

I don’t want to see her anymore.

jesus!! they sound dreadful, could you not be really blunt and just tell them how awful they are? why does your DH not man up a bit and put her in her place.

Just tell them to fuck off. Seriously.

Cut them out and get on with your one precious life. It is pointless wasting any more time or energy on these vampires. There is no legal or moral obligation to socialise with dickheads. No matter what their DNA!

They sound awful and I certainly wouldn’t spend any time with them.

I probably would tell them exactly why, but I’m older and a lot more confident than when I was your age.
No need to confront them though if it makes you feel even worse.

Your DH can explain your absence, and your child’s if that’s what you both decide.
Life’s too short for this shit.

Thank you all. I think I am going to have to say something to them because DH won’t and I’m scared. DH says just stop answering the phone and don’t see them but they won’t put up with that, they will just turn up, they do anyway.

I'm so glad your DH is on the same page with this stuff, the worst thing is if you have a partner who can't see it.

Be prepared that if you do bring it up with them, a mighty shitstorm will begin. You've been driven by politeness till now to continue to be pleasant with them even when they're acting outrageously, and they'll have taken that as permission to walk all over you their due so when you call them out on their behaviour they are going to be very surprised and unhappy, and as you know they are unbearable when they're basically quite happy, so imagine them pissed off. At least the shitstorm will give you a cast iron reason to cut off contact with them. I know what you mean about the pettiness of it - my mother usually kept her aggression pretty passive - but when you've got cramps in your stomach and all this stuff, you know it's pretty bad.

I think DH is scared of them but won’t admit it. He hides his head in the sand even though he knows that are rude.

Yes they definitely use my politeness and being scared of them to walk all over me. MIL has said things about other people like her sister not being able to say no to her, so I KNOW she knows what she is doing.

Both my mum and my mil do this in public. I am permantly mortified by them and dread going out with either of them. I have just grown a thick skin and sometimes apologies to serving staff etc when I am leaving somewhere. My mum will sigh and roll her eyes and tut loudly and people who are too loud in cafes, people with kids etc. my mil likes a good comment about foreign staff.

I think DH has developed a thick skin but I don’t actually want to. I don’t want to put up with it and I don’t want my child thinking it is normal or doing it himself.

They sound toxic. The fact that even their son is afraid of the days it all. I would hypothesise that they don’t have many friends?

The only way is to go NC with them. You shouldn’t feel like you describe at the thought of seeing them. You need to protect yourself from their vile behaviour.

If your DH is telling you to not answer the phone then I think he might be amenable to a real conversation about going NC - or LC at the very least.

Look at the toxic in-laws book (recommend up thread) together. It sounds like these people are really affecting the way you live your life. Furthermore the examples you give make it sound like they could damage your child with their language and toxicity. Do it for your son.

They're vile. It's bullshit that your DH 'never notices the nasty things'.
But if he can't stand up for you and your child then you need to do it.
Stop seeing them. He just might change his tune when he sees that you're serious.