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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just completely lost my rag with my son

42 replies

Crappyparent · 13/08/2018 23:32

Feel really shitty as it's his birthday tomorrow (19).

Not much excuse other than that I'm not well, massively stressed with work (I'm on the middle of 5 weeks of extended traveling where I'm spending 2-3 nights each week away at different cities delivering training).

The final straw was that I'd asked him to grab me some chocolate on the way home and he hadnt. And then I'd asked him again and he said he'd go later and then went to bed. Meanwhile I'd cleaned his bathroom and mine, done 2 loads of washing...he and his brother do almost nothing at home, apart from bring plates down from their rooms and occasionally put a wash on. They do help in the garden about once a month. Oh and eldest does go to the shop. But I do everything else and work ft. It's a big 5 bed house so that's a lot to keep on top of on my own.

But I still shouldn't have got so angry and shouted, not least because it also upset DS2 who has been helpful today and washed up. But I was annoyed DS1 had our car all day and wouldn't do one tiny thing for me.

I wish I'd bitten my tongue though I feel bad for ruining his birthday. I have such a short fuse though sometimes I just can't stop myself. And before I know it I've shouted and been really mean (I called him a lazy shit and said if he didn't start doing more he could move out, which in truth is the last thing I'd want).

OP posts:
RoseWhiteTips · 13/08/2018 23:49

Poor guy.

LadyLoveYourWhat · 13/08/2018 23:52

And poor you, OP, you sound like you're run ragged. Just go and apologise, give him a good day tomorrow and then have a proper, calm conversation about him pulling his weight later in the week.

Excited0803 · 13/08/2018 23:52

Go up there now, say something like "I'm sorry I lost my rag because I'm overtired. I certainly don't want you to move out, actually that's the last thing I'd want. Please forgive me for what I said."

mediumbrownmug · 13/08/2018 23:57

We’re all human, OP. Sounds like you realize you’ve made a mistake. A heartfelt apology and acknowledgment that you’ve really put your foot in it as a parent would probably be much appreciated. Good luck. Flowers

Original poster
Crappyparent · 13/08/2018 23:58

He's asleep so I can't speak to him now.

I am really tired. It's a different tiredness to the relentless exhaustion I remember from when the DC were little, but I'm still tired emotionally and physically. I will speak to him in the morning when I give him his card (can't give him a present as I haven't got him one yet. Something else to feel bad about!)

OP posts:
seriouslynonames · 13/08/2018 23:58

He is an adult and you didn't ask much of him, I'd be similarly grumpy and shouty in the same circumstances. I wouldn't feel too bad about it - tomorrow is another day, you can wish him a happy birthday, apologise for shouting and losing your rag, explain how you were feeling and hope that he responds to your apology with good grace.
Hope you feel better soon

Original poster
Crappyparent · 14/08/2018 00:04

What lies behind it is I don't know how much I can expect them to do. At present it really is just bringing plates and cups from their room, and any rubbish. They don't cook (they will make themselves a microwave meal or pot noodle that's it) or anything else really.

OP posts:
Refilona · 14/08/2018 00:09

Was the chocolate his birthday present? If not then I don’t see why you were so upset - he’s the one who will probably be upset tomorrow when he doesn’t have a present?
Apologise and try and make his day extra special tomorrow...

Socksey · 14/08/2018 00:11

At 19 he should be properly mucking in with cleaning bathrooms and kitchen etc.... not just bringing down his plate.... he's an adult and if he was living elsewhere he wouldn't have a maid to do everything.... he should get used to it now.... as should no.2

Original poster
Crappyparent · 14/08/2018 00:13

We'll both be at work tomorrow. So there's not much I,can do.

I wasn't upset I was annoyed that after another day doing stuff for them he wouldn't do one thing for me. And he had my bloody car.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crappyparent · 14/08/2018 00:16

They've never cleaned bathroom or kitchen, cooked a meal. I hoover their rooms and change their beds. I should have made them do more.

OP posts:
Chocolate1984 · 14/08/2018 00:22

I'm surprised you didn't lose it sooner.

Oswin · 14/08/2018 00:22

Poor guy?! Poor any future partner of this lazy sod.
Op stop doing anything for them. No washing cleaning or cooking. Bloody hell this is shocking.

BoomBoomsCousin · 14/08/2018 00:25

You haven't ruined his birthday by pulling him up on his poor behaviour the day before.

Don't worry about it so much. But also, don't let this lack of contribution on their part continue. It isn't good for them or you.

ThistleAmore · 14/08/2018 00:25

Poor guy? Poor nothing, at 19 he's a grown adult and having to be reminded of his mother's birthday is shocking.

I hope he apologises to you.

Pissedoffneigh · 14/08/2018 00:27

I'm not sure why people are saying poor guy and she should not have told him he would have to move out if he didn't start pulling his weight.

This is an adult doing bugger all to help in the house and leaving everything to his exhausted mother. Usually what the Op said is exactly what Mumsnet would have told her to say if she had asked advice without admitting she shouted.

itwillbealrightpromise · 14/08/2018 00:29

I wouldn't focus on the chocolate, to be honest, as it sounds like he probably just forgot. I know I forget to pick things up from the shop after work all the time. I would have probably just written it off and got a massive bar from the shop in the morning.

It does sound like its symptomatic of a wider problem of the DC not doing their share at home. Just bringing plates down is pre-teen territory, really. They need to be responsible for their own rooms and bathrooms, own washing, cooking for the family a few times a week each (or learning if they don't know how to - no excuse with YouTube nowadays), running the hoover round, washing up, cleaning kitchen, general tidying. That's about what my DD21 does (she's a better cook than me tbh!) and she does other bits like run to the shop as and when.

The car situation doesn't sound ideal, either - is your DS on the way to affording his own car any time soon? Is public transport viable on some days?

Don't sweat it, OP - we all lose it sometimes. You sound really worn down and I don't blame you. Tomorrow is a new day.

StillMedusa · 14/08/2018 00:29

Stop feeling guilty and for the love of god stop running after them!!!!

My youngest has autism and learning disability, so I cook and wash for him but he has still learned to change his own bed and clean it when I tell him to! I went away this weekend and DS1 cleaned the house while I was gone so that I couldn't have to do anything on my return!

By all means say sorry for losing your temper, but it's time to set down some ground rules. They should be helping clean up and doing their own laundry etc... otherwise they are going to be useless adults!

AnnieAnoniMoose · 14/08/2018 00:33

I wasn't upset I was annoyed that after another day doing stuff for them he wouldn't do one thing for me. And he had my bloody car

Exactly. All this ‘poor guy’ and ‘apologise tomorrow’. Fuck that shit. He’s an adult and needs to start acting like one. He had YOUR car all day, the very least he could have done was brought you the chocolate he asked for, lazy, ungrateful shit.

What can you get them to do? Their fair fucking share! Starting now.

Imagine you are equal flat mates. They take care of their own rooms and bathrooms (to YOUR standard) and you allocate them jobs in the shared parts of the house. That includes shopping and cooking. Cleaning any shared bath rooms & hoovering etc. STOP doing it all, they’re not toddlers and you are doing them NO favours not teaching them to have respect & responsibility for their home. Future partners are also not going to thank you.

Stop being such a soft touch and doormat.

Look after yourself 🌷🍷

TillyTadpole · 14/08/2018 00:35

Your ds is 19. He is an adult. Allow him to sort his own shit out. When I was 19 I was married and had a mortgage. Stop running after your adult son. Look after yourself Flowers

GreenTulips · 14/08/2018 00:39

I'm not suprised youre tired.

Make a list

Daily
Weekly
Monthly

Sit them down and ask them what they can contribute

Bins dishwasher washing cooking
Vacuuming
Bathrooms
Ironing

Then set up a jobs chart and ask them to help.

Remember they aren't helping you but contributing to the running of the household

nakedscientist · 14/08/2018 00:41

OP you have not ruined his birthday. Bring him a cuppa and his card in the morning and wish him happy birthday. All will be forgiven.

Talk calmly the following day about what he can do to help. Can he do the bins, recycling, hoovering or shopping from a list in the car? Can he take the car for a service/MOT/wash?
He could have a cook night, say, every Monday and learn stir fry or another " signature" dish.

imnotreally · 14/08/2018 00:47

My 7, 10 and 11yo change their own beds (with help if they need it), do the dishes and hoover the rug. At 19 I'd be expecting a lot more than just bringing dishes out of their rooms. You've made a rod for your own back for not starting them younger. They can all make themselves toast or a sandwich, eldest two make me and themselves hot drinks and I'm just starting to teach them how to use the microwave and make something a bit more complex.

We al yell and feel guilty. Apologise for yelling but also state that you expect him to pull his weight in the household. You aren't doing him or any future housemate/girlfriend any favours.

PurpleArmy · 14/08/2018 00:50

Last time I looked, birthdays last one day.

Yesterday was yesterday.

Tomorow is a new day, with no mistakes in it.

LadyB49 · 14/08/2018 00:53

Once my son reached about 18 I no longer took anything to do with his room. It was him who lived in it. If I had need to enter his room I had to step over just about every possession he had. Curtains were never opened. Every few months he'd have a big clean up. Each time he went off to uni I gave it a good clean.

I definitely didn't lose any sleep over what state of was in.

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