Just completely lost my rag with my son

[Crappyparent]

Feel really shitty as it's his birthday tomorrow (19).

Not much excuse other than that I'm not well, massively stressed with work (I'm on the middle of 5 weeks of extended traveling where I'm spending 2-3 nights each week away at different cities delivering training).

The final straw was that I'd asked him to grab me some chocolate on the way home and he hadnt. And then I'd asked him again and he said he'd go later and then went to bed. Meanwhile I'd cleaned his bathroom and mine, done 2 loads of washing...he and his brother do almost nothing at home, apart from bring plates down from their rooms and occasionally put a wash on. They do help in the garden about once a month. Oh and eldest does go to the shop. But I do everything else and work ft. It's a big 5 bed house so that's a lot to keep on top of on my own.

But I still shouldn't have got so angry and shouted, not least because it also upset DS2 who has been helpful today and washed up. But I was annoyed DS1 had our car all day and wouldn't do one tiny thing for me.

I wish I'd bitten my tongue though I feel bad for ruining his birthday. I have such a short fuse though sometimes I just can't stop myself. And before I know it I've shouted and been really mean (I called him a lazy shit and said if he didn't start doing more he could move out, which in truth is the last thing I'd want).

Poor guy?!?! He’s an adult letting his mother run around after him! He should be ashamed of himself.

Don’t apologise! Use this opportunity to kick their bums into shape! Poor guy indeed.

Good Lord OP, let me help you off with that hair shirt. You haven’t ruined his birthday - that’s tomorrow. Well, it’s today, now, but - you know what I mean. And a few cross words oughtn’t to ‘ruin’ the day of any mentally healthy young adult? You’ve made a few very reasonable requests of him, and he’s roundly failed to do them. You’re entitled to be cross. You’re probably not entitled to be furious, but it’s not the end of the world. Sort it out with him tomorrow. Tell him he needs to do a bit more. Done.

You really should have started giving him jobs to do at least a decade ago but hey, it's not too late!

Stop hoovering their rooms and changing beds, that's something you need to tell them they are responsible for and that it must be done eg once a week. Some might say let them stay in their own messy rooms and just close the door on it but as you may know boy smell permeates the whole house if left

Decide on some basic house rules re cleaning up after themselves, especially kitchen and bathroom, or else draw up a rota so everyone takes their turn.

Show them how to use the washing machine if they don't already know and let them get on with it. You may need to state the bleedin' obvious re not running the machine for one shirt .

Regarding cooking you could ask that they cook once a week but if they don't know how or cba then it might be better to say "these are the evenings I cook, the other evenings you look after yourselves". That might mean beans on toast, frozen pizza or takeaway but that's not going to kill them is it?

It might be a struggle to get them on board with the changes but if you don't make changes who will? Trust me, your 19 year old isn't completely oblivious and is bound to have friends whose parents expect more but as long as you're willing to do everything for him he'll let you!

Does he pay you "rent" at all? If so, I'd add on ~£100 a week to pay for the cleaner / chef he uses. If not, start charging him

I agree that you should have started making your children do chores at an earlier age. However, his birthday is not the day to be setting new house rules

Poor OP, you sound knackered.

I would apologize very briefly for yelling BUT I would also be making it clear that the yelling happened largely because I am feeling ground down with taking care of two grown adults while working full time.

If they don't know how to cook, get them involved with helping you cook under supervision so they can start learning the basic skills, and then start getting them to take care of some of the meals. For other charts, you need some sort of rota/chart. Remember, it's not about them "helping." "Helping" implies that it's all basically your job and then they occasionally wash up a teaspoon and then you should be melting with gratitude or something. They need to be "doing their share"---a very different thing.

However, his birthday is not the day to be setting new house rules

Why not? Seems as good a day as any to me. Getting older, new responsibilities and all that. Housework is not a punishment, it's just something that needs doing.

Well done for turning your son into a shit husband and undoubtedly a shit father.

Definitely apologise for shouting and explain to him just how tired you are and why. In my experience teenagers need things pointing out to them as they’re often quite self absorbed. Not in a malicious way but it’s just that they don’t have the life experiences to understand yet.

Our three all live at home (22-17) and they have to cook twice a week each, are responsible for their own washing and keeping their rooms clean. They also rotate who cleans their bathroom.

You’re not doing them any favours by running around trying to do everything - it breeds resentment and you end up with kids who don’t know how to look after themselves and a totally exhausted parent.

Apologise but do NOT say the reasons why you lost your rag (saying 'I was stressed and tired' is really lame).
Just say 'I am sorry I shouted at you in the way I did. Please forgive me.'. Then be quiet.

Later this week, talk about chores etc

As others have said, apologise sincerely today, then tomorrow sit them both down (give them a set time for a chat beforehand) with a cup of tea (or whatever) and say "I've been thinking that it's not fair that I do almost all of the chores in this house. We all benefit so these chores should be shared. I'm also aware that it's not fair on you that I haven't taught you how to look after yourself or a home properly. I'd like to discuss how we can make this more equitable for everyone. What do you think?". As PPs have suggested you can split chores into daily, weekly and monthly - and I'd suggest allocating an approximate time for each. They can choose chores so that everyone has a roughly equal amount of" chore time", and if they don't choose fairly then you get to allocate - if they argue explain that you get to do the allocation because you're taking responsibility for organising the initial division of labour. Tell them that if they don't do their share then a cleaner/maintenance person will be booked or pre-prepared meals will be purchased at the expense of whomever hasn't done their share. Tell them they'll need to pay an amount into a new household "petty cash" tin within the next 2 weeks to cover this eventuality and if any of this amount has to be spent they'll need to top it up (this is so you don't have to put up with a dirty house while you wait for them to pay up). Tell them that if this arrangement doesn't work out that's fine, and you will be charging them board - or they can just choose to pay board from the start. If they end up paying board, get a regular cleaner, gardener and maintenance person with the money - and get them to book in the services so they are responsible and its not "mean Mum" spending their money. Please, please don't train them to expect everything to be done for them. My husband was like this, as his expat parents had household helpers. With all the best will in the world from him, it has taken literally years of training to get him to do his share, and although he does it now its still harder on him than it should be because he really has to "concentrate" - it still doesn't come naturally. He isn't trained to notice dirt or clutter, so we have to each have set chores - he found it too stressful otherwise as he wasn't able to plan in advance to do chores and couldn't see what needed to be done. He's now good at his chores (cooking 2x per week, all laundry, loading and unloading dishwasher, taking out garbage, doing kid's school lunches, making up beds), but he's said he wished he got some training in how to do this stuff as a child so that he didn't have to think about it so hard. (I wish he did too, as I'm responsible for keeping on top of everything else incl kids stuff - the mental load - and it's exhausting sometimes). I compare him to my DBIL, who had to do his fair share of chores after his dad sadly passed away when he was 15 - DBIL just gets on with it and it doesn't take up much of his head space IYSWIM.

Sorry, that was really long and lacked paragraphs. Typing on phone.

She should say sorry ask for forgiveness then be quiet?! Bloody hell.
Like fuck would i be saying sorry.

I'd apologise for losing your rag and tell him you don't want him to move out. However you all need to sit down and make it clear that they need to start pulling their weight and do their share of household jobs. They're part of a family and need to do their share.

My 5 year old does more around the house than they do. He empties his plate and puts it in the kitchen, puts his rubbish in the bin (most of the time), puts his washing in the laundry basket, puts his clean clothes away, helps me strip his bed and gets his clean bedding out which I put on.

My 10 year old does all that and makes their own bed, makes lunch, cleans their own room, hoovers upstairs, hangs the washing up when asked, helps me make dinner now and again and would do the dishes if let but they are very much in the wash one, dry one, break one camp.

You aren't doing them any favours by doing everything for them. At the very least they should be cleaning their own rooms and bathrooms, doing their share of the washing and ironing, cooking at least once a week (even if it's just a frozen pizza type dinner) and doing the dishes twice a week.

The eldest should also be helping clean the family rooms and kitchen even if it's just dusting and wiping down the worktops.

They will resist the change as they've had it so easy till now but they'll thank you for it in the long run when they have their own house to run. They'll also get the added bonus of a Mum who isn't constantly stressed to breaking point from working and running the house alone.

I think you should apologize and say the reason- I was tired and feeling ground down, but let’s discuss that later in the week- today’s your birthday and let’s have a lovely day.

Then discuss properly later.

Am I the only one who thinks it’s a bit sad/shocking that you haven’t bought your son a birthday present?

He has a free car, lovely massive house and a housemaid and cook and cleaner. Yeah right he’s going to move out just because op shouted at him.

Where else is he going to find such great service for nothing.

I wouldn’t apologise at all, he’s 19 turning 20? My early teen dc more and have done since they were much much younger.

I’d start tomorrow by producing a list of chores divvied up and everyone does everything and your ds’s keep their rooms clean and each cooks at least once a week.

Otherwise kick them out and get lodgers, at least you’ll be making a bit of money then.