Re dd and school uniform?

[Frouby]

Dd is 14. Going into year 10 in September.

In the may spring bank holiday she said she needed new school skirts. Agreed hers were looking a bit tatty so took her, spent 3 hours traipsing around finding just the right length and bought 4 new skirts.

I also suggested we went bra shopping while we were there and suggested we go up to a C cup as she was looking like she was moving out of a B. She insisted she was still a B cup and her current ones were fine, just a bit worn.

Spent £40 on skirts and £40 on bras.

Said last week we needed to get shoes (hers have worn out) and maybe 3 or 4 school shirts to replace the most worn ones she has.

She has now decided she is a C cup. So just spent another £40 on bras. A multi pack of 3 and a fancier black one. And the she announced that she needs new skirts as well as 2 of hers have 'broken'.

Was the first I have heard of it so asked her to bring them down. It looks like the adjustable elastic strap has been cut through the button holes. So they wont adjust small enough.

This is only on 1 side of each skirt. The other side on each skirt is still perfect.

Have told her I am not replacing them. I did say she could have 1 new skirt so she had 5 so will buy her 1 and then she will have 3.

She has just had an epic flounce. I have explained we are a bit skint at the moment. We got married in May and still paying that off. I am self employed and august has been unexpectedly quiet. Mainly.due to the nicer weather but not something I could plan or budget for as its a new business.

Dh is also self employed as a builder. We have our own company which normally pays me a wage but due to a non payer last year the business has struggled (hence me finding alternative work) which means that there has been less in the pot to pay DH as well.

I have explained all this to dd. She gets £10 a week spending money into her own account which she spends on clothes and make up. That's fair enough as it is her spending money but she went shopping last week and spent about £60 on stuff she didn't need just wanted.

I have 1 bra that fits me at the moment. When it's in the wash I wear one of my ones that don't fit properly and cope with a pokey underwire. I have stuff for sale to try and raise some money to buy a new saddle for dds pony.

Ds starts school in September and I have bought him all plain school uniform from Asda. He has nothing with th3 school logo on as I just can't afford it yet.

We aren't as bad off as some people and we are lucky that it will pick up again in September. We can afford to eat as normal (aldi tho, nothing fancy) and we can afford to spend a bit on day trips down the summer.

But there is no spare money to replace uniform that has probably been worn 6 or 7 times. And I could have done with spending £40 on her school shoes not replacing outgrown underwear that I wanted to get a bigger size in 3 months ago.

So AIBU to ignore the flouncing and stropping and stick to my guns on this one? She is generally a good kid. Works hard at school and does well, isn't usually stroppy and doesnt usually kick off. But when I was her age I had 2 skirts and wore them a couple of times each. Not once and chucked in the wash.

We also have the typical pile of clothes on the bedroom floor so even though she has had either 4 or 5 skirts all last year we still had a couple of mornings when she was hunting around for a clean one. I wash every day so just laziness from her.

Have said I am taking them back and asking for a refund. Have told her I have found the reciept in the back of my purse so we can go on thursday and ask for the money back as the elastic has failed Is that really a lesson you want to teach her, that when it's your own fault that something has broken, you can go and get the price refunded from the store you brought it from?

She doesn't need that much uniform. A skirt can last several days. Make her do her own washing and ironing, she will soon make her clothes last until they're dirty!

No. Its a not a lesson I want to teach her at all MereDint. I wanted her to understand that if you damage something then you face the consequences of that by trying to return it with your mother when it's obviously been damaged.

The one bra for me is silly though I agree. I just wanted to wait until September to buy another as August is tight. I can manage with 1 but it is annoying when I wear the pokey one. I usually have to spend quite a bit as I have a large bust and know the brand that fits and is comfortable is about £35 usually.

But I only usually have 2 I wear anyway. With usually an emergency one lurking in the drawer.

I could have a drawer full but always reach for the same 2 or 3. So just have 2 or 3 at a time now.

But do you know why she would deliberately damage her skirts?

*Frouby Ah, got you! Nice one!

My daughter became obsessed with upgrading her iPhone 5. When she realized it wasn’t going to happen simply because she felt entitled, the little madam “accidentally” bashed it against the side of her desk and then wondered why a new one wasn’t immediately forthcoming. When my mother died, my daughter was given her old iPhone 4 and made to look after it for at least one year so that she would understand it’s value wasn’t simply monetary. Suspect she’s learnt at least that her parents are more stubborn than she is, so she hasn’t tried that kind of crap again. Neither have her younger two siblings who have a resigned air of “What’s the point?” about this sort of entitlement. I’d be stapling the skirt and making it uncomfortable to wear.

You CANNOT return those skirts. The elastic did not fail, it has been damaged deliberately and you know it. Not only is that fraud, but think of the lesson it is teaching your daughter.

She can manage with the skirts she's got, or she can sew up the ones she's damaged, and she can wait until at least Christmas for any new ones.

I wanted her to understand that if you damage something then you face the consequences of that by trying to return it with your mother when it's obviously been damaged.

That's not going to work. You have to be the one to enforce the consequences, not the poor shop assistant. You're the parent. Be the parent.

This post is really odd. Just buy what you can afford. If she moans tough luck. End of. 2 horses But 1 bra.

Yup, there's a lot of stealth boasting going on.

Can’t afford new bras or a jumper with school badge, but can offord 2 ponies. Sometimes MN is like a different planet.

Cherub she asked last week when we were going uniform shopping and I reminded her then that she had had 4 skirts at the end of May and had probably 6 or 7 shirts (some bought last year, some left over from the year before she was still wearing) so we would check the shirts to see which needed replacing but we would just buy 1 skirt to take it back to 5.

She was moaning then that she didnt like the M and S skirts as they were 'a bit long'. So I suspect that they have mysteriously damaged themselves to get replaced.

Have always had 5 shirts and 5 skirts as she wants clean every day. And although I wash every day sometimes stuff gets missed because its festering on her bedroom floor or I am waiting for a dry day to get stuff on the line.

Am buying her the one skirt. She can wear them twice, repair the damaged ones or buy her own skirts. Or put a wash on mid week. We went through 3 PE T shirts in year 8. When I replaced for the 3rd time because she had lost it I told her anymore would be replaced from her spending money.

She hasn't lost one since.

I come from a very working class background. We had fuck all growing up. We looked after what we did have and repaired what was broken or did without. I was a single parent when she was little. And really struggled. Its taken me and dh a lot of work, time and effort to give her a comfortable lifestyle. And she needs to understand the value of money which is why she gets her pocket money into the bank.

She is 14 not 4 and tantrums and destructive behaviour is simply not acceptable to me.

Elastic and needle and thread for the skirts.
Time for a clothing allowance for the rest.
Flounce and strop right back at her. You are on a tight budget at the mo, you have to clothe her brother ready for school, you haven't bought yourself new stuff and you are paying for her horse. She will have to make do with what she has and also learn to wash and iron it.

Oh and make it clear that anything else that 'mysteriously' gets damaged won't be replaced before Christmas.

I also am amazed by five skirts for her (and a pony!) and one bra for you.

DD had one skirt at a time. In fact she had the same M&S skirt in yr 9 and 10 as she didn't grow. I got her a new one for yr 11 as it was looking a bit tatty :)

Why does a teenager need more than max two skirts a week? I would leave it op and buy myself a new bra with the savings. And wash bras by hand, mine cost £££ too and I don't want them nmangled in the machine.

bridgetreilly

Can I explain as a parent of a 14 year old that 'taking back a damaged skirt to complain' is shock tactic us mums use, so the child feels embarrassed at the though of mum 'doing one' in the shop?

I doubt very much OP has any intention of actually taking them back - she's not daft!!

Saying that the M&S skirts ar particularly long this year!!' Is it the all round pleated ones? DD wasn't happy with those so she has the ones with buttons on the front. So in some ways I'm not suprised they were sabotaged!! However had she siad and not damaged them they could've been returned.

Have you tried boob or bust at home to measure for bras? It works a treat!

Primark do decent bras for growing kids £8 for 3 last time I was in there.

Stick to your guns otherwise they ride roughshod over you!!

Let her sulk

Honestly the 1 bra for me is a temporary thing. Which I will resolve in September when my income picks up again.

Exactly right on the shock tactics GreenTulips. They look so obviously damaged no shop assistant would believe me. And dd knows that too.

She is now in proper sized bras (32c) and I am going to look at Primark and Tesco etc and stock up from there. But thats AFTER I have raided BraStop for my ones.

I do have my wedding underwear in am emergency but would feel very fancy poo picking the ponies or feeding the chickens in an ivory basque 🤣.

OP check out Debenhams for bras, they have a sale on, bras down to £6 and up. I’m a 34H and have bought several the last few weeks for under £10 each, and then matching panties. (Misses point of thread completely...)

You’re saving for a saddle for her pony; so your ds can’t have logo’d uniform because you can’t afford it?
Your priorities are more than a little skewed!

You've spoiled her and now you are reaping what you've sown. There is no way my dd would have £40 worth of skirts!! She had the one the school made us buy for £16 and that was it. As she had fresh underwear and tights every day there skirt was never dirty and I'd just chuck it in the wash mid week.
If I thought my daughter was a C cup I'd have insisted on her being professionally fitted and bought what the person said, not allowed my child to badger me into buying a B because she said so. And £40 worth of bras?? M&S and Debenhams both reduce massively in their sales and for something as small as B or C then Primark bras are excellent for teens.
I agree with the poster who said "you buy her things when she doesn't want/need them, but then refuse to buy stuff when she does need them."
I wouldn't make her fix the skirts because she'll deliberately bodge it but I would fix them and hand them back to her saying "ta da!" And thwart her effort to con new ones out of you. You say she's damaged blouses too? Spoilt little madam, and I don't say that lightly. To damage multiple items of clothing and demand more she clearly has no idea of the value of money and how little many girls her age have.

Buy her only plain essentials and only when you know she's outgrown them and hopefully by age 16 she will get a job and buy her own multiple skirts.

Yes we can really afford a horse. 2 actually.

Can you? Can you really?

I would say if you are moaning about buying your DD clothes whilst you only have one bra, but have 2 horses then maybe you can’t afford them after all.

Don’t blame your DD for you having minimal clothing when you are keeping 2 horses.

You can’t afford two horses. How do you imagine you’ve budgeted for them; when very basic things like school uniforms didn’t make it into the budget at all

Another parent of a 16 & 14 year old who can’t believe she has 5 skirts. My two have two skirts/trousers each & 3/4 shirts. I reckon you should start making her do the washing if she wants clean every day.

I can assure all you pearl clutchers we can afford 2 horses. Well 2 ponies actually. I mentioned the saddle situation to point out that DD isn't hard done to in life. The ponies actually cost very little to keep as a % of our income. If I had said I was saving for a new sports item like a fancy swimming costume or a dance outfit or running shoes or athletics kit I doubt I would have had the same response. It's the assumption that ponies cost a million £ to buy and keep. Mine don't. Less than what others I know spend on car finance, takeaways, smoking, gym memberships, flash holidays, going out, other sports. My friends dd does dance and it costs twice what dds pony costs to keep.

As I pointed out in the OP the cash flow situation is a temporary one caused by 2 work issues. Hence being able to afford to buy 5 school skirts every year because it makes my life a bit easier and less stressful and means in theory she has clean uniform every day.

I was annoyed at buying 2 lots of underwear within 3 months. Because it is wasteful and unnecessary. And because I wanted to measure her first but I didn't so that is my fault.

Iamagreyhound if you rtft you will see uniforms were budgeted for in May and in June. I didn't budget for new school skirts because she had them in May! At the end of May actually in spring bank week. Which means she has had 7 weeks of wear from them. Which is approximately 8 wears per skirt.

I don't budget to wear anything for 8 times then throw it away.

Ds had unbranded uniform because it was a lot cheaper than the logod stuff. £3 for a jumper vs £9.75. £1.50 for a polo vs £5.75. And again I like a full set so a significant difference.

My bra situation I have explained. 1 got damaged in the washing machine. 1 has a slightly twisted wire. They will both be replaced in September so I don't have to either use an overdraft or credit card or cancel days out.

I am very fortunate that I can manage to budget with the money we have coming in. As we are both self employed there is always a risk we won't get paid. So that risk is managed by planning well ahead. Have been saving bits and pieces for the saddle for about 6 months. Selling outgrown riding gear mainly and saving it. But I don't think IABU by not replacing deliberately damaged school uniform with money I have budgeted for somewhere else.

And even if it wasn't tight this month I don't think I would be replacing the skirts. She does need to learn that money doesn't grow on trees. She has money in her own bank account. Her £10 a week is for stuff she wants but doesn't actually need. We buy her basics. So her school uniform, basic clothes like jeans, leggings, a couple of hoodies a year, maybe half a dozen tops, she had a winter coat last year (not that she bothers wearing it) her underwear and trainers and boots.

She has a lot more than some other girls her age. But not as much as some of her friends. She needs to accept that we are not made of money and to understand that when I say I am not buying X then she doesn't damage it. And if she does she goes without.

“Can’t afford new bras or a jumper with school badge, but can offord 2 ponies. Sometimes MN is like a different planet”

Some people’s priorities are odd IMO.

I have a friend like this. She lives in a very run down house that needs loads of work doing to it, but has two horses. She is lovely, but just has her priorities the wrong way round (well, they are for me anyway).

I don't understand why anyone would make a martyr of themselves for an expensive hobby.

You can buy elastic and rethread the skirts.