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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Nephew party dilemma

65 replies

user1468263541 · 13/08/2018 14:57

To decline invitation to twin nephew's 2nd birthday party? It's the wknd after their birthday, at an activty place aimed at 3yrs and under which is nearly an hour away from where we live. My son and daughter are 11 and 7 and will not really have anything to do. And selfishly, my husband and I feel like we've 'done our duty' with crappy soft play places now our kids are that much older and really don't want spend our Sunday afternoon there! I am more keen to suggest we pop in to visit the boys on their actual birthday and do gifts etc then. But decline the actual party. SIL is lovely, but tends to assume all family members will always want to be involved with her kid's parties - so I'm concerned she'll be offended that we don't want to go and watch her children run around a sweaty soft play place with a load of their 2 year old friends. When I mentioned to my eldest that we might not go, she looked a bit worried because apparently SIL had already mentioned it to her and told her she'd be really useful to help run around and look after the little ones! Which knarked my husband off, that she'd already assumed we'd be going and that our kids will be there to help! Should we be honest and say why we don't want to go? If the shoe was on the other foot, we wouldn't be at all offended if all family members didn't want to come to our kid's parties - in fact I very much doubt we'd have even invited adult relatives with older kids/no kids to our child's party if it was in an activity type place. Would've been more of a polite mention, "btw, we're having Johnny's party at XYZ Play Place, you're very welcome to pop in but totally understand if you don't want to". But I think SIL may be more inclined to be offended than us as seems to view things differently. Or is it that actually we ABU by not wanting to go?

OP posts:

KERALA1 · 14/08/2018 07:22

This thread makes me really appreciate my lovely family. No one would inflict the hell of soft play on anyone who didn't have a same age child who would genuinely enjoy it. That to me is real love

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 14/08/2018 07:38

I think that if you really can't face it then make a good excuse - don't tell her the truth. She will be hurt and offended. She did make the effort with your children, so it wouldn't kill you to do 2 hours in soft play for her you could always get stuck in traffic and be a bit late. If gps are going, you will be able to catch up with them, drop off the presents. Maybe make a day of it and do something nice with your own kids afterwards, so you don't feel like you've travelled all that way just for soft play!
I do totally get why you don't want to go though.

UnderMajorDomoMinor · 14/08/2018 07:48

I doubt an 11 year old is going to be allowed to play full at the stuff at a centres for kids aged 3 and under!

Is this your sibling’s kid or your dh’s sibling’s kid? As a compromise, whichever of you is the sibling of the party child’s partner could go. Don’t drag your kids though, just say they have class parties you’ve already said yes to (we had pre-summer invites to September parties).

UnderMajorDomoMinor · 14/08/2018 07:48

*parent!

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 14/08/2018 07:52

Can I just speak up for SiL here. She clearly loves your children. Please don't be harsh on her for saying that your 11 yr old would be a great help with the little ones. From what you have said it sounds like she is wanting them to feel involved and not left out. When I was young my aunt always went to great lengths to involve me with my cousins who were a lot younger than me and included me with the "grownups". She would also tell everyone what a help I was.

That being said, I don't think you need to attend the party and others have said you can arrange to see them and give them their presents separately.

BikeRunSki · 14/08/2018 07:54

Hell no! You couldn’t pay me to go to soft play now my children have grown out of it.

TheLadyArmitage · 14/08/2018 07:55

Good opportunity to teach your kids patience

GreenMeerkat · 14/08/2018 08:03

I imagine I will be in this situation in a few years. My DC are 4, 3 (and one baking). My DBs do not yet have children. When they do, my DC will inevitably be too old to attend the soft play kiddie parties. However, both my DBs have attended every one of their birthday parties despite being child free so I would attend theirs too.

Berthatydfil · 14/08/2018 08:04

Oh dear what a shame you /your dc have (some very important event) on at the same time which can’t be rearranged.

Y are not BU. You are saying you will visit and give a gift, it will be a more worthwhile visit than the soft play party anyway as you can spend quality time with them as in the soft play your dsil will be busy and your dns will be rushing round getting all sweaty.

whocoulditbe · 14/08/2018 08:05

I'd go to my niece's party if it was at soft play because I'd want to help my sil and I love my niece. I wouldn't force my kids to go though, that seems unnecessary. If it was a family party at a house and not soft play I would go as a family.

saoirse31 · 14/08/2018 08:18

Pretty selfish not to go to your nephews party imo. Part of normal family life.

RachelAnneJ · 14/08/2018 08:19

I think she was probably trying to make your 11 year old feel included and wanted rather than using her simply to keep an eye on the younger ones.

I've never seen a soft play that's aimed at under three's, the ones I've been to always cater for children up to at least the age of 6, and many older kids would still play given half the chance!

They are not my idea of fun but if invited I would go. I would share my SIL's excitement and tell my children (and husband in your case) that it is not about them! So what if they're bored for 2 hours.

That said, I never invited my family to my kids parties, I spared them the horror!

SnuggyBuggy · 14/08/2018 08:29

I'm guessing it's a smaller scale soft play for toddlers rather than a bigger one for children. If it was local I'd say drop by for half an hour or so but as it's not YANBU to not go.

Jeezoh · 14/08/2018 08:40

I would go, all your reasons not to are about how you feel with no apparent consideration that your SIL wants you there. It’s part and parcel of being a family and it’s one afternoon out of your life.

Mmmmdanone · 14/08/2018 08:49

My sil is exactly like this. She invites all family members to her kids' parties- usually a bouncy castle in a hall- even older relatives without kids. There's one coming up soon and I really don't want to go! It's so boring and my kids aren't interested either. But it would cause massive offense if we didn't all troop along. I might develop a migraine that day.

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