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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Nephew party dilemma

65 replies

user1468263541 · 13/08/2018 14:57

To decline invitation to twin nephew's 2nd birthday party? It's the wknd after their birthday, at an activty place aimed at 3yrs and under which is nearly an hour away from where we live. My son and daughter are 11 and 7 and will not really have anything to do. And selfishly, my husband and I feel like we've 'done our duty' with crappy soft play places now our kids are that much older and really don't want spend our Sunday afternoon there! I am more keen to suggest we pop in to visit the boys on their actual birthday and do gifts etc then. But decline the actual party. SIL is lovely, but tends to assume all family members will always want to be involved with her kid's parties - so I'm concerned she'll be offended that we don't want to go and watch her children run around a sweaty soft play place with a load of their 2 year old friends. When I mentioned to my eldest that we might not go, she looked a bit worried because apparently SIL had already mentioned it to her and told her she'd be really useful to help run around and look after the little ones! Which knarked my husband off, that she'd already assumed we'd be going and that our kids will be there to help! Should we be honest and say why we don't want to go? If the shoe was on the other foot, we wouldn't be at all offended if all family members didn't want to come to our kid's parties - in fact I very much doubt we'd have even invited adult relatives with older kids/no kids to our child's party if it was in an activity type place. Would've been more of a polite mention, "btw, we're having Johnny's party at XYZ Play Place, you're very welcome to pop in but totally understand if you don't want to". But I think SIL may be more inclined to be offended than us as seems to view things differently. Or is it that actually we ABU by not wanting to go?

OP posts:

Themerrygoroundoflife · 14/08/2018 00:30

I would be hurt in your SIL’s shoes if I’m honest. My sister comes to my kids parties and helps with all the behind the scenes stuff. She is a godsend. To me, going to nieces and nephews birthday parties is just what family do for each other and I have moved work commitments, that were in my power to move, to go. I wouldn’t think about whether I’d enjoy it or not. That wouldn’t be the point. But I accept everyone’s family dynamics are different.

MyDirtyLittleSecret · 14/08/2018 00:37

Eldest DSGC refused to go to younger cousins bd parties last year (and this year) for similar reasons, OP, activities were very much geared to little ones and older kids were expected to wrangle the toddlers while the parents sat around socializing. I was very much on their side and still am, DSDIL2 wasn't happy but has had to suck it up. Oh well.
For similar reasons DH and I don't go to GC bd parties, the older ones especially do things like laser tag and pool parties where they want to be with their friends not have to dance attendance on GPs and other family members. Much better to arrange a non party day to catch up and give gifts.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 14/08/2018 01:12

If I'm honest, I kinda think you should suck it up and go. Because she would notice and be hurt and upset if you didn't, and she clearly wants you/your DC there.

Your get-out (if you want one), and I don't think you've talked too much about this, is what your DC think about it? If THEY'RE not keen, then that's your get-out-of-jail card. BUT if you do this, then I'd suggest arranging a separate visit to celebrate as a family.

There are a LOT of threads on here about young DC birthdays, with the OP saying things along the lines of "my DC is about to have their first birthday and my parents were invited to come and celebrate and don't want to, I'm incredibly hurt" type thing. Now obviously in that kind of scenario, the child doesn't give a fuck one way or another, it's the parent who's upset on their child's behalf.

My parents were/are (DDad is dead) fantastic GPs. Supportive, lovely, generous. Hate birthday parties. Never came to one ever (DD is 16 now). Other families operate differently. Neither is right or wrong. BUT it does sound like your SIL does think these things are important and does want family around. So, if you don't go, then you'll need to factor in that she's likely to be hurt and/or upset.

mediumbrownmug · 14/08/2018 01:13

Personally I wouldn’t go, or send my kids to babysit. I was the child whose parents sacrificed my siblings and me on the altar of “family”, and there’s no way I would have wanted to do this at their ages.

RedHelenB · 14/08/2018 05:01

If your sil has always come to things you've invited her to then yabu.

TheLadyArmitage · 14/08/2018 05:17

How is 7 years old too old for a playcentre?
I'd go alone and leave the kids at home with your DH.
Your can't miss your own nephews party can you?

JustJoinedRightNow · 14/08/2018 05:18

My SIL never brings my children’s cousin (her DS) to their parties just because we are over an hour away. It was upsetting at first but now we’ve just gotten used to it.
You do not need to go, stand up for your poor DD who will just be made to look after the little kids and give random parents a break. It’s her weekend too! She shouldn’t have to do that.

I would be saying “thanks for the invite but DD has a party that afternoon, however we would love to pop in on their birthday with their gifts” - a little white lie and it saves her feelings and everyone is happy.

TheLadyArmitage · 14/08/2018 05:20

But she does also have the tendency to assume everyone loves her kids and wants to be involved in everything as much as she used to involve herself with ours

So you don't love or care about your nephews... nice.
Don't go, they'll be better off without you!

SpareASquare · 14/08/2018 05:26

She made the effort with your children yet you can't be bothered now she has hers. I think that's mean.

But she does also have the tendency to assume everyone loves her kids and wants to be involved in everything
You know what? I bet a lot of people felt that way about YOUR kids but put the effort in anyway because that's what we do for people we care about. I don't mean YOUR kids specifically btw, just in general.

I think it's perfectly fine for your children not to go. Sad if they don't want to put in the effort, but I wouldn't force them to participate in their cousins birthday. It would be poor form for none of you to be there though. Selfish as fuck actually when, by your own account, she's been a kind and giving aunt

LisaSimpsonsbff · 14/08/2018 05:30

Hmm. The problem is that you seem to think that she genuinely loved being around your small children but you don't like being around hers, so it's fair that you put in much less effort than she did. I suspect that, while she may well enjoy small children stuff more than you, there was quite a lot of duty in there for her too, and she would fairly expect that to be reciprocated. It really is a bit mean to declare that you're past little kid stuff now yours are bigger when the family catered to you when yours were small.

MarthasGinYard · 14/08/2018 05:36

I think it's pretty off tbh slightly selfish

Surely you could pop by for an hour

Sleephead1 · 14/08/2018 05:39

it's a couple of hours one weekend I really don't see how it's so awful for you? It sounds like your husband doesn't want to go so is making excuses but can you not just put yourselves out for your lovley sil and her family ? I'm surprised by the number of people saying don't go. they are your family and are asking you to celebrate a child birthday

AJPTaylor · 14/08/2018 05:40

Did SIL go to your kids parties and help out?

MarthasGinYard · 14/08/2018 05:40

Leave your dh behind if it's clearly all annoying him too much

He sounds so offended on your dc's behalf that it's been mentioned they can help with their cousins

Odd

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/08/2018 05:42

I think you should go. It’s a couple of hours once a year. Not almost every week like the whole class parties in reception year at dds School. It’s also a good lesson for children to put others first sometimes.

Dd is on the opposite side of this and has been terribly hurt as she systematically invited her cousin, a few years younger, to her parties and never received an invite in return. Sometimes he came and sometimes he didn’t. It was made very clear to us many times dd wasn’t important to them and we are now nc. Not about the parties obvs.

You are so lucky to have a lovely sil. Please make the most of it. Mine has screamed at me and dd on numerous occasions for no reason. She has psychopathic traits. I would give my eye teeth to have a brother, who isn’t violent with me and loves me and my child.

Fatted · 14/08/2018 05:49

What you've suggested is fine. We do similar with our kids birthdays. Relatives visit and give presents etc. But actual parties and activities etc we tend not to invite family. I have one nephew similar age to my kids, so I generally invite him and my sis but that's about it really. Parties at soft play are for the kids, not relatives IMO.

Hadalifeonce · 14/08/2018 06:01

I would just decline the party invitation, no reason given, but say you would love to see them on their birthday with gifts. Maybe take some nice adult foodie gifts so they don't feel they have to cater for you on that visit.

AJPTaylor · 14/08/2018 06:08

I would go.
She helped out at yours when yours were small.
She may well have said to your dd about her helping but she was prob being nice and trying to involve her in the grown up side of things.
Added to which toddler twins probably adore their older cousins. My dds worshipped the ground their big cousins walked on.
And lastly, darn it, you sound far to nice to not go!

runsmidgeOMG · 14/08/2018 06:23

I'm surprised at the amount of responses saying don't go... on other threads if young DC had a party it would be rude to rock up any other time as SIL might want the actual day as a family to do something special.

Wasn't the party date when everyone came and saw the birthday DC so further arrangements didn't have to be made?

OP I understand your point about children being older and regardless whether SIL was the "Mary poppins" type she was still there for your DC parties. It would be kind to return the favour. Just make sure your DC aren't used to entertain the younguns whilst they sit around eating cake.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 14/08/2018 06:26

I would without a doubt go. I'm not all about faaaaamily, but this does just sound like one of those things you do.

If you feel SIL is taking the piss by expecting your dc to help whilst there, then sort it out at the time rather than assuming she intends to use them as slaves. It's probably more as a pp said, that she was trying to include them.

user1487194234 · 14/08/2018 06:28

I would definitely go
To me it's all part of family life
My SIL always makes coming to my DDs parties seem like a huge effort if she bothers to come at all and it does adversely affect our relationship

Waitingonasmiley42 · 14/08/2018 06:47

I think it is pretty rude not to go when she made an effort to go to your children’s parties.

KERALA1 · 14/08/2018 07:03

Calling the op "a cow" totally uncalled for. My kids 9and 12 and certainly would not enjoy a soft play area for toddlers. Definitely wouldn't go but fortunately the culture in our family seems to be you very welcome to go to each other's kids parties if fits in with your schedule and your kids might like it but otherwise we don't go. As age range 12-2.

Rubbish event to catch up with family - host run ragged and utterly distracted so likely you travel and no meaningful contact with relatives anyway. Kids Parties to me more about the child's local friends than dragging extended family along

fourpawswhite · 14/08/2018 07:10

I would go. Our family help each other. It's weird to me your husband was annoyed that the kids were expected to help. That's what big cousins would do here, help with the little ones. As would aunties and uncles.

PartridgeInAPineTree · 14/08/2018 07:21

I find it very odd that she's invited family with older children to a two year old's activity party at soft play.

When mine were younger, we would have a soft play party for their friends, and any similar-aged cousins, and then a separate family party just at home to spend time with aunts/uncles/older cousins.

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