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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you report your neighbour to social services?

61 replies

Guacamole2506 · 13/08/2018 13:04

Just that really. My next door neighbours are clearly very horrible to their children. It’s a grandmother, mother and granddaughter who live there. Not sure on the child’s age as I think there are other grandchildren who don’t live there but are often round the house so not sure which ones actually lives with them. There’s constant screaming and crying coming from next door - you can tell the child is very upset or in pain. The grandmother seems like a bully always shouting ‘shut up or i’ll rip your f*ing head off (or things similar to that).

I’m working from home today and just realised how loud they are. I’ve been up since 8 and 5 minutes haven’t passed where I haven’t heard the grandmother shout or the child scream.

Would you report this to social services? Even if physical abuse isn’t happening the child surely cannot be happy living there?

OP posts:

mastertomsmum · 13/08/2018 13:52

shouting means nothing unless you can fully see the context. May sound worse than it is. There are many reasons there could be conflict and noise or crying doesn't mean abuse. You have to have be really sure.

One example could be that child is ASD or other special needs and has tantrums.

You may be right but be really sure of your ground

Littlemissdaredevil · 13/08/2018 13:56

I wished someone had called SS when I was a child. My mum and dad used to have violent rows that used to to sometimes go on for days and nights

fleshmarketclose · 13/08/2018 13:57

mastertom no way is it acceptable to scream and shout and swear at a child like my neighbour did.Had she carried on like that to her partner or another adult it would be considered abusive.FWIW it was my ds who had autism and not hers and at no time did I ever scream or swear at mine it's wrong and even more wrong if or when a child has additional needs.

PandaPieForTea · 13/08/2018 13:57

One example could be that child is ASD or other special needs and has tantrums.

You may be right but be really sure of your ground

No - you pass concerns on to a professional and they deal with it any any other circumstances around it. It isn’t your place to think up ‘what ifs’ about why it might be ok.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 13/08/2018 14:02

Yes I would report with what I'd heard. Two of my children have ASD and one of them screams a lot. Sometimes it's just one of those things and the parent can't do much about it. But from what you have heard the adults saying to the child, I would be concerned.

mastertomsmum · 13/08/2018 14:03

freshmarketclose - every case must be on individual circumstances.

We have a neighbour whose child has ASD/ADHD and he is shouty and cries and tells lies. We feel sorry for him when he gets shouted at because his parents are not saints at all times but we also feel for them. They do get respite care from time to time.

The case described may be one for SS but one must be confident it's the way to go and I would be untrue to my own experience if I didn't point that out

YeTalkShiteHen · 13/08/2018 14:04

My kids (and I) are autistic, I’ve shouted before and will again I’m sure.

I’ve never sworn at them or issued threats to “rip your fucking head off”.

mastertomsmum · 13/08/2018 14:12

As I said - The case described may be one for SS but one must be confident it's the way to go and I would be untrue to my own experience if I didn't point that out.

By the way - are teenagers abusing their parents when they say things like that to them. That definitely happens countrywide.

SnuggyBuggy · 13/08/2018 14:12

If it is due to something like ASD then social services could potentially provide support so it's still worth reporting.

YeTalkShiteHen · 13/08/2018 14:13

By the way - are teenagers abusing their parents when they say things like that to them. That definitely happens countrywide

If that parent is afraid, or threatened by them yes. It is.

Sockwomble · 13/08/2018 14:14

mastertomsmum if an adult is continually shouting at a child in the way that the op replies then it should be reported. There is plenty of screaming and crying coming from my house - we have a child with severe asd and very challenging behaviour - but an adult repeatedly swearing at and threatening the child isn't a response that should be ignored.

mostdays · 13/08/2018 14:17

Yes, you report it so that professionals can investigate.

You don't listen to people telling you to only report if you are absolutely sure that there is abuse occurring. You don't have to be sure to report, you have a concern, you tell the relevant people, they look into it.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 13/08/2018 14:17

A.) The OP does not "have to be really sure". If she has concerns or suspicions she is perfectly entitled to voice them to Children's Services. It is the job of Children's Services to investigate and determine whether the child is at risk or not.

B.) There is no "context" where telling a child that you're going to "rip their fucking head off" is acceptable.

DesignStatement · 13/08/2018 14:18

Yes - you are acting on behalf of a child for the right reason.

mastertomsmum · 13/08/2018 14:19

Ok - re-clarify, one has to be very sure but this sounds like a reasonable case. I won't say what my job is, but I am speaking with some experience.

Figlessfig · 13/08/2018 14:20

Call your local council and ask to speak to the Duty Social Worker. They will either put you through or give you the correct number.

It may well not come to anything, they might just be a noisy and badly behaved family. But think how you’d feel if the child was seriously assaulted or killed? Knowing you possibly could have prevented it?

Call and report it, for your own sake if not for the child’s.

YeTalkShiteHen · 13/08/2018 14:21

mastertomsmum of course context is important, I agree with that. But this case isn’t ambiguous if there are threats and swearing, that is abuse and should be reported.

deepsea · 13/08/2018 14:30

Yes I would without hesitation. Continue to be nice to them to avoid conflict. The priority is the child .

Original poster

Guacamole2506 · 13/08/2018 14:35

Just to clarify with everyone - as far as I know there is no ASD (I may be wrong, obviously). There are also a few other grandchildren who visit frequently and they are all shouted at in the same manner, so it’s unlikely that the adults in the house are just struggling to parent a child with additional needs. And even if the child does have additional needs, the adults in the house are definitely not parenting in a suitable way to support that. There is a lot of slamming doors, stomping around and banging things (?) all day long. Every other word is a swear word and the woman cannot seem to speak to her grandchildren at a reasonable volume.

OP posts:

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 13/08/2018 14:38

SnuggyBuggy, I don't think this is correct. If I was reported to social services due to my child's outbursts I would be mortified and don't think I would ever get over it. Once you are reported once, it's on record forever that you have had social service input.
And if they offered help, it would be unwanted as I feel I manage and care for all my children to a high enough standard that all their needs are met. I don't want social services anywhere near me or my children.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 13/08/2018 14:38

One example could be that child is ASD or other special needs and has tantrums.

Firstly, being pedantic I have to point out that it's not "is ASD" it's has ASD. I have a child with ASD and never in his 12 years have I threatened to "rip his fucking head off" even on our darkest days. I'm pretty certain I'd report myself if I reached that point.

Secondly, you don't need to be sure of your ground, you don't need to know without doubt that there's a case for neglect or any other kind of abuse. You report your concerns and let outside agencies decide if there's cause for concern. Too many children are left in difficult and dangerous situations because adults around them give the benefit of the doubt or don't want to get involved.

Child protection is everyone's responsibility. Every single one of us on here has a duty to protect the children around us if we can.

YeTalkShiteHen · 13/08/2018 14:40

Chocolatecoffeeaddict I would feel the same, I have refused SS support in the past (to do with ASN not for neglect or abuse) because we don’t need it.

BUT if someone in good faith reported because of my child sounding distressed surely I’d be able to show they are well cared for and not at risk? So I’d try and see it from that perspective?

Tara336 · 13/08/2018 14:40

You should be able to call anonymously also maybe contact NSPCC?

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 13/08/2018 14:42

Whether or not OP's neighbors child has ASD or any other form of SEN is irrelevant. Whilst I have no doubt that parenting a child with ASD can be challenging, it certainly doesn't justify an adult screaming at a child that they are going to rip their fucking head off!

jilldoyoulikeowls · 13/08/2018 14:46

Why is everyone getting caught up in hypothetical diagnoses of ASD etc?

OP if you are concerned (as I would be) then report.

The language is abusive, vile and unacceptable. It's not up to you to decide whether they fall "below the threshold".

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