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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Big fall out with my sister

33 replies

small2018 · 13/08/2018 11:58

Name changed as don’t want to link to my usual account.

I’ll try and keep it brief.

I miscarried four months ago. It was horrible as the baby was very much wanted. It was a real low point and I was in a very sad place. Family and friends were mostly good and supported me apart from my sister.

She didn’t contact me to ask how I was or see if I was ok. I kept my distance from everyone really, as I was dealing with my own emotional stuff.

When my other sister asked her why she hadn’t messaged me or asked after me, she got defensive and said that I hadn’t congratulated her son when he won the football league with his Sunday football team. I am not sure how the two are comparable?

So it’s been 4 months and she hasn’t spoken to me. My family have told her that she should’ve asked after me, her defence is that ‘mum said she didn’t want to talk about it’. My family said to her, yes but you can at least ask how she is?

It was my son’s birthday at the weekend. For the sake of keeping the peace and for my mum I invited her to my son’s party. No response, she didn’t turn up and she didn’t wish him a happy birthday.

WIBU to go complete NC? So fed up of the way she treats me and so hurt for my son who doesn’t deserve to be ignored.

Backstory – we have a fractious relationship. She usually has a massive go at me once a year about something I’ve done that she doesn’t agree with, falls out with me, doesn’t talk to me for a few months, then I end up giving in and calling her for the sake of keeping the peace, keeping my mum happy and trying to keep a relationship between her children and mine.

OP posts:
dingodon · 13/08/2018 12:01

Fuck her she isn’t worth it.

Trinity66 · 13/08/2018 12:01

Yeah don't cave, she's never going to stop treating you badly if she faces no repercussions for her behavior

dingodon · 13/08/2018 12:02

Also wanted to say I’m sorry for your loss.

Jaxtellerswife · 13/08/2018 12:03

Get shot. Self absorbed twerp.
I'm sorry you went through that

Original poster
small2018 · 13/08/2018 12:08

What do I do when it's her childrens' birthdays?

OP posts:
pickingdaisies · 13/08/2018 12:10

If it was me? I'd not bother trying to contact her again, and save myself the emotional pain of constantly trying to keep her sweet. But, if you can manage it, if your paths crossed, stay polite, friendly, but from a safe distance IYSWIM. so no actual falling out on your side. There may be family occasions when avoiding her would cause problems for the rest of your family. I feel sorry for the children in this, if it means the cousins don't get to see each other. And, so sorry for your loss Flowers

MyNameIsNotRachel · 13/08/2018 12:12

so sorry for your loss... your sister sounds awful! cut contact - explain to your mum im sure she will understand!

pickingdaisies · 13/08/2018 12:12

When it's her children's birthday, send them a card and a present. Via your mum if you don't trust your sister to hand them over.

Original poster
small2018 · 13/08/2018 12:16

My mum only half understands. She is trying to keep the peace. She told me to contact my sister separately before my son's party and ask her to come and bring her children. Shock. I refused.

@picking - I don't think I can be polite. I am absolutely fuming at the way she has treated me and my family. My son is her nephew. She cannot care about him if she is willing to just cut him off like that.

OP posts:
DarlingNikita · 13/08/2018 12:33

I'm so sorry, OP.

I wouldn't bother with her again. She can explain to her children why they don't hear from you on their birthdays.

Say calmly and one more time to your mum how much she's hurt you, then ignore any further attempts at 'peacemaking'.

TheoryPractical · 13/08/2018 12:36

It was cold (and mean) of her not to respond to your invite to your son's birthday - even it was a simple "thanks but can't make it". and not even send a card was a pretty miserable and petty thing to do Sad.

What I would do is just, as PickingDaisies suggested, keep up with her children's birthdays with cards and presents via your mum (to make sure they get them!).

But apart from that if it were me I'd not communicate and get on with my own life.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/08/2018 12:43

I have exactly the same sort of situation going on myself. Except it’s with a brother and he and sil have been nasty once too often to dd and to me. Brother has also been violent and the last episode was the last straw for me. Always finding fault with me, bitching about what I’m like or some such because they won’t accept I’m disabled and chronically ill. He’s the golden child and according to my mother I’m being ridiculous. According to her it’s also ridiculous that my dd is petrified of my brother and frightened of sil.

After me deciding to go nc they didn’t send a present to dd for Christmas. We wrote a card for my n’s birthday. Idk if it was sent as I was too ill to send it and asked dh but I forget if he did it or not. Dd received nothing for her birthday either. My feeling is unfortunately their child will likely turn out just like them. I’ve told dd she can choose to have a relationship with him when she is an adult.

Sorry you’ve got a shit sibling too. It sounds as if this stems from your mother. Do what you have to do. It’s unfortunate for the children but just one of those things.

ShumpaLumpa · 13/08/2018 12:43

What do I do when it's her childrens' birthdays?

I wouldn't send a card or present. why reward her shitty behaviour?

NC for me means no NC. That includes no sending cards or gifts for DC.

I think she's jealous of you, OP. Can you think why that might be? Is she a middle child? Are you younger?

kerryleigh · 13/08/2018 12:47

Sorry for your loss Flowers
She's so mean! I wouldn't waste my time with her

pickingdaisies · 13/08/2018 12:50

I completely understand, I'm not sure I could stay calm either, if someone was dragging my children into their mess. In that case, avoid her but don't ignore the children's birthdays. I don't think you'd want to anyway, you sound far too nice.

Knittedfairies · 13/08/2018 12:51

I would send a card and a gift via your mum for her children’s birthdays, otherwise you are replicating her behaviour towards your son.

bimbobaggins · 13/08/2018 12:53

You treat her child’s birthday the same as she treats yours. That might seem hard but she is showing you she has cut you off.
You’ve done nothing wrong and to treat you like this when you’re going through a difficult time with your miscarriage is the pits.
You’ve made an effort to invite her, I’d leave the ball in her court. Don’t bow to family pressure.
You say she knows you’ll end up giving in so there’s your answer.time to check that

RedTulip86 · 13/08/2018 12:59

It’s usually the reasonable person who is always asked to “make amends”, “be the bigger person” ,”keep the peace” while the trouble maker gets away with a murder.

OP, so sorry for your miscarriage.

Go NC with your sister if you want to but please acknowledge your DN’s birthdays if you have a good relationship with them

TomHardysNextWife · 13/08/2018 12:59

I'm NC with my sister, and it's not been an easy decision to make. We may be related but we don't get on at all and if I'm being honest, I don't think we ever have. I don't like her at all - she's patronising, obnoxious, specialises in passive aggressive remarks and she made me miserable. Our Mum is finding it really upsetting and for that I feel terrible, but life is so much simpler without having to deal with her. Just because you love someone doesn't always mean you have to like them Flowers.

Deb6770 · 13/08/2018 13:00

Hi, you are not alone. I have a younger sister, and I had a miscarriage. My husband and I were completely devastated, it took along time to move forward. When we were at our lowest, after the miscarriage we didn’t want to interact with anybody including our families. My husbands family were ok with that as they knew we were going through the grieving process, we needed time. My sister and mother could not understand it. So not only were we both coping with the loss of our baby, but also dealing with my family as they all fell out with us. But, if one member of the family fell out with me, then my mother would make sure they all did. At least your family have come to your defence. Your sister will never change, as my family haven’t. She is not worth the worry. You are doing the right thing ie inviting her and her immediate family to your celebrations. If she does not want recognise your son’s birthday, then her loss. Your sister is just showing her nastiest to other people. As for me I walked away from mine and I can honestly say it was the best thing I ever did, because you can go crazy with worrying about them and it’s just not worth it 🙂 my motto is if that person is not making me happy in your life then emotionally move away from them. I do feel for you it’s very difficult, but you have done nothing wrong.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/08/2018 13:00

I don’t agree with not sending cards. It is not the fault of the children. Do what makes yoy feel right. Your sister may bin them. Remember one day your n&n may need a sympathetic aunt or cousin.

KM99 · 13/08/2018 13:06

If you hadn't mentioned the history then I'd be inclined to day try and connect. I know after 2 miscarriages myself that some people struggle with what to say.

But she sounds like a pretty horrible person, tbh. You don't need that stress in your life and just because she's family doesn't mean she has the right to be so shitty to you. She clearly has some issues to work on.

I would say NC and stop trying to connect with her. I am sure she will give your Mum grief, but I think you have to firmly and calmly explain why you are making this decision and if your sister is willing to change her behaviour you might consider starting again.

I'm sorry about your miscarriage. It's hard and a tough thing to happen to you. Surround yourself with people who truly care. After all, even a brief message of "I'm sorry" shows compassion. I'll never forget the people who contacted me. My best friend gave birth on the day of my first miscarriage. I did tell her but told her husband a few days later. She instantly called me right in the middle of newborn craziness and cried and laughed with me. That's the kind of people you need and deserve x

user1495390685 · 13/08/2018 13:06

I'd walk away. Life is too short and precious to spend it fuming over siblings. The relationship with nephews etc, can be re-established if you wish in the future. Family relationships can be poisonous and your story is an example of one such relationship. I would rise above it by removing myself from the whole thing. It will be hard at family reunions, but can usually be managed.

Gazelda · 13/08/2018 13:13

I'd tell Dm that sis's behaviour has been very hurtful and that she is now behaving so poorly to your DS that's almost unforgivable. Tell DM that she mustn't keep pressuring you to keep the peace, as this is adding to your upset.
Send gifts and cards to the children, keep the door open for them.

Gazelda · 13/08/2018 13:14

And I'm sorry for your loss. Your DSis is behaving appallingly which must add to your sadness. Thanks

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