Big fall out with my sister

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Name changed as don’t want to link to my usual account.

I’ll try and keep it brief.

I miscarried four months ago. It was horrible as the baby was very much wanted. It was a real low point and I was in a very sad place. Family and friends were mostly good and supported me apart from my sister.

She didn’t contact me to ask how I was or see if I was ok. I kept my distance from everyone really, as I was dealing with my own emotional stuff.

When my other sister asked her why she hadn’t messaged me or asked after me, she got defensive and said that I hadn’t congratulated her son when he won the football league with his Sunday football team. I am not sure how the two are comparable?

So it’s been 4 months and she hasn’t spoken to me. My family have told her that she should’ve asked after me, her defence is that ‘mum said she didn’t want to talk about it’. My family said to her, yes but you can at least ask how she is?

It was my son’s birthday at the weekend. For the sake of keeping the peace and for my mum I invited her to my son’s party. No response, she didn’t turn up and she didn’t wish him a happy birthday.

WIBU to go complete NC? So fed up of the way she treats me and so hurt for my son who doesn’t deserve to be ignored.

Backstory – we have a fractious relationship. She usually has a massive go at me once a year about something I’ve done that she doesn’t agree with, falls out with me, doesn’t talk to me for a few months, then I end up giving in and calling her for the sake of keeping the peace, keeping my mum happy and trying to keep a relationship between her children and mine.

I’ve got a horrendous sister too. My sympathies for all that’s going on in your life just now.
I’m NC at the moment and it is so much better. There are akward times com8ng up, family weddings and what have you but for now, I’m happy not to talk.
Your family are on your side in this, be as communicative as you can with them. They may persuade her to apologise which I think is the least you deserve.

Ah OP, I'm in exactly the same boat, just further down the river.

My identical twin deliberately ignored my only son's 1st birthday. After me never missing her kids birthdays or christmas. No apology was forthcoming, so for the sake of peace I let it slide.
Next birthday, despite reminders, she ignored his birthday again. I went apeshit, how dare she treat her own nephew like that (bad enough she treated me like shit).
Texted her asking what her problem was, her response was to block me. Fuck that, I decided to go N/C as my son does not deserve to grow up feeling not good enough like i did.
We're 3 years down the road now and its the best thing I ever did. I;m sad for her kids but one is a teen and knows what his mother is like, so I still speak to him.
My family she's fallen out with so they understand my position, except my dad who finds it hurtful apparently. I find it hurtful she treats me like shit, she absolutely isnt going to get the chance to put my son down the way she did with me.

No matter what the issue between you and your sister its not her childrens fault and its unfair to leave them wondering why their Aunt no longer treats them the same, be the bigger person in this and still send the children birthday cards and presents, ask your Mum or another family member to pass them on if needs be.
If your little ones have a birthday party ask another family if they would be willing to bring your sisters children with them because it's also going to confuse your own kids if they don't see their cousins anymore due to a fall out between you and your sister.

In the meantime, remain civil as and when necessary but other than that stuff her! The loss of a child is nowhere near comparable to a football tournament and she needs to get her head out of her backside and realise that!
Im sorry for your loss x

I agree with not initiating contact with your sister. She's let you know that's what she wants, so I'd just give it to her. And if it was raised by the family, that's what I'd say.

As far as gifts and/or family gatherings, do whatever is easiest for you. But if I did decide to do gifts they'd be inexpensive. For family gatherings I'd only go if I was sure I could avoid her AND that she wasn't the type to cause a scene.

Mum can try to 'keep the peace' if she wants, but you don't have to help her to your own detriment.

I’m 5 years ahead of you...nc with a similar personality sister.

Haven’t regretted it once. There’s a real lightness in my life that I didn’t expect. No more walking on eggshells, waiting for the inevitable ‘scene’.

If she ever turned up at my door with a real tale of change, self awareness and genuine apology sure, I’d make her a cuppa and hear her out. But when someone’s this incapable of normal relationships, they don’t get free access to my life or my home.

Be prepared to be asked to justify yourself to relatives for a couple of years if you go NC. Smile at them, tell them it’s not their business and change the subject. They leave off eventually.

There really is no rule that says you MUST take shit from relatives for your whole life. There’s a big wide world of decent, loving, sane people out there who can be your tribe. Spend your free time with them instead.

Sorry for your loss.

It’s usually the reasonable person who is always asked to “make amends”, “be the bigger person” ,”keep the peace” while the trouble maker gets away with a murder.

This really is so true, and my DM has always had this view. She used to say that the wronged person should be the one to offer the olive branch (in the form of a cup of tea).

But, quite apart from being completely misguided, that meant that nothing was ever resolved. There was abuse going on and it was swept under the carpet, under the guise that the relationship is more important than being right.

Except that when the relationships are abusive, it shouldn't be ignored in the name of maintaining family relationships. It's messed up my life and the lives of my siblings as well.

Posted too soon. Some relationships can't be put right, when there's been too much water under the bridge. If this was an isolated incident, then I would recommend trying to resolve it, but it sounds as if she's totally selfish and unable to see beyond herself.

I'm so sorry, OP.

What skittlesandbeer said.