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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Trying to calm down about needing to take a shortened mat leave

59 replies

HJE17 · 12/08/2018 20:41

I’m the higher earner in my family by quite a bit. Our DD is one year old now. For her, I got 4 months paid leave from work, and then took another 4 months unpaid. I then went back to work when she was 8 months and my husband took over parental leave instead. Just found out I’m pregnant again, which I’m 95% really excited about... however, we haven’t had time to build back up our savings. When we have the baby, I’ll probably need to go back to work at around the 6th month mark. It’s making me feel a bit sad and anxious, particularly as it’s hard to continue breastfeeding in my job (variety of factors, including highly unpredictable schedule). I guess I just need some reassurance to be able to feel 100% on board with this pregnancy. Any stories of people who have gone back to work early and the kid’s been fine? Any stories of people who have gone back early and LOVED it?

OP posts:

pointythings · 12/08/2018 21:46

I went back at 6 months with both of mine - it was the norm back then with only 18 weeks paid mat leave. They're fine. In many ways it is easier for them to get settled in childcare at 6 months than at 9 months old as the first phase of separation anxiety hasn't kicked in yet. Starting at the 1 year mark is by all accounts I've heard from friends far harder than starting at 6 months.

My DDs are brilliant, independent, loving and emotionally balanced individuals.

Thesearepearls · 12/08/2018 21:48

I'm really glad that nowadays women get longer maternity leaves but as has been said upthread this is a very recent phenomenon

I went back to work after 12 weeks with DD and 14 weeks with DS. That was normal then and they are both 20 and 18 now. It'll be absolutely fine. Just relax and enjoy your pregnancy.

WyfOfBathe · 12/08/2018 21:53

I returned to work when DD was 6 months. I started only breastfeeding her at night just before this.

3 weeks later it was the summer holidays (teacher), which was really lovely.

It was really hard to leave her. She was fine, but I was a mess the first few days (even though those first 3 weeks she was with my mum or my best friend, both of whom I trust completely!) However I did appreciate being back at work and having conversations with people who can talk back!

She's now nearly 2, thriving, loving and very attached to me and DH but also happy with her childminder.

purplestrawberry2 · 12/08/2018 21:59

I could have written this myself OP. I can only take 6 months off mat leave (am sole earner in family and were not entitled to any benefits) because the drop to SMP is just too much we have a little bit of £ saved but not a lot. I get sick of everyone at work saying "oh so you will take a year off" etc.

Momo27 · 12/08/2018 22:00

Another one here who went back when dc1 was 12 weeks. Totally normal back in the early 90s - all my friends who returned to work did the same. Our children (now adults) have thrived... I think we’d have noticed if they’d all been emotionally wrecked by it!!!

Tbh a short ML was probably easier in terms of slotting back in. Year long leave is a very recent thing and i think if I’d been off for a whole year it would have been a much bigger adjustment to go back

Momo27 · 12/08/2018 22:05

Oh and totally agree with pointythings.
Physically a short ML is tough, because you may still be ebf and also still doing frequent night feeds. BUT easier to start leaving the baby because there’s no separation anxiety. I actually feel sorry in a way for my young colleagues who return to work after a year off and have a really hard time settling their children in childcare... some of them have found it really stressful if the child hasn’t been left before then.

(Not that I’m against the fact that ML is longer... it’s great for women to have more choice now. But the fact that leaving my 3 month old with a childminder wasn’t remotely stressful for him was a definite plus)

Helpmemyhairisterrible · 12/08/2018 22:06

Self employed. 11 weeks with DC1 and 5 weeks with DC2, admittedly very part time. I'm finding it hard being at home with two (No1 is only 18 months). Getting to go to work is a break for me and hugely enjoyable. You might find going back and putting them in childcare beneficial to all of you.

Beamur · 12/08/2018 22:08

I went back when DD was 7 months old, was fine. DH was in full time nursery at 6 weeks...his Mum was hugely career oriented and worked 5.5 days a week. That I wouldn't recommend!

PuntCuffin · 12/08/2018 22:10

4 months with DS1, 8 months with DS2, and that was only so I could be at home for DS1's first term at school. I was also the high earner at that point, no shared parental leave etc. I know very few who have taken a full year.

peanutbutterandbanana · 12/08/2018 22:11

I went back to work when eldest was 4 months old and spent a couple of months expressing. With number 2 I went back at 6 months, same with number 3. It is only fairly recently that maternity leave has extended to one year, so us with slightly older children (youngest is 15) didn't have that option. All was fine.

anotherangel2 · 12/08/2018 22:11

I do t have any experience of this but have you considered the possible of taking a mortgage payment holiday as this may allow you to have a longer maternity leave.

Bezm · 12/08/2018 22:11

I returned to work when my youngest was 8 weeks old. I was hoping to have 10 weeks, but she was 2 weeks overdue and in those days you had to give 6 weeks notice of going in mat leave!
It was very hard when I returned but as a teacher I managed to leave work early enough and of curse had the holidays. The first six months after going ack were the worst. However, I think having six months off now seems about right.

BendingSpoons · 12/08/2018 22:14

Will your DH then take parental leave? If so, I'd think about the benefits of that. I had 9 months leave and DH had 3, so similar to what you did first time, and there were lots of benefits to DH having that time with DD.

Jelly67 · 12/08/2018 22:27

Not sure if it helps but as far as I know in America they only get a few weeks maternity...

SummerIsEasy · 12/08/2018 22:52

In the 1980s (a long time ago, I appreciate), I was back at work at 3 and a half months with the first and 5 months second time round. It might not have been ideal, but mat leave was short in those days, plus you had to leave work at six months pregnant.

It was worth it to keep my job, in the days when many women simply left and stayed at home, with little real choice. It meant that we were in the position at a later date to give real help to adult children with uni etc.. If I could go back and change anything it would be to have worked part-time as my daughter feels that she missed out on things other girls were able to do at after school activities.

My son, now 32 says he had no feeling of ever missing out on anything. His social activities revolved around playing sports with his mates at the park any day it didn't rain. Football sessions were on Saturday morning and junior Rugby on Sunday. Swimming club on Monday night so he didn't ever miss out.

Possibly girls activities after school need more input from parents.

fifipop185 · 12/08/2018 23:04

I had 6 months with DD and 10 weeks with DS - both kids are teens now and are just fine. I had lots of help from my parents and a great nursery. I did get lots of snarky comments from work colleagues but none of them were going to pay my mortgage....

BlueBug45 · 12/08/2018 23:06

I've am related to and worked with women who have had everything from a month to 6 months off. All the children are doing fine as teenagers and adults.

More recently a lot of my friends and acquaintances have split their parental leave so the mother takes the first few months and the father takes the rest. The amount varies by couple due to the jobs they do. In my case my OH will probably take more leave than me as his employer's policy has suddenly become more generous to men and he's the lower earner.

oldbirdy · 12/08/2018 23:39

When I had ds1 in 2001 you only got 6 months. Babies survived. Ds showed up 2 weeks late and was therefore 5.5 months when I returned to work.

Even with dc4 born when you got 1 year, I went back at 9 months because we couldn't afford me to take 3 months unpaid. She's also fine.

In America they get something like 9 weeks off....

Original poster

HJE17 · 13/08/2018 01:31

You’re all right, of course!

OP posts:

Original poster

HJE17 · 13/08/2018 01:33

RedLemonade: “Seriously, I got to have a shower every morning and have an uninterrupted coffee at 11 and set my own agenda and pee when I needed to and people would do the things that I asked them too without lengthy preamble and negotiation. And I could use a different part of my brain and have grown-up conversations with grown-ups.” I can sooooo relate to this!!! 😂

OP posts:

Original poster

HJE17 · 13/08/2018 01:35

The one thing that shocks me here is the people who went back to work

OP posts:

Bezm · 13/08/2018 06:13

Yes, you're right. Going back so soon was a nightmare and I wouldn't recommend it. However, sometimes the need is such that you have very little real choice. DH had a temp job so couldn't take any time off, mortgage t pay, another child to look after, bills to pay. Either we went into massive debt, or I returned to work. I had already been in massive debt after a very messy divorce, so didn't want to be there again. We knew before even planning on having a child that I would have minimum mat leave. When you already know that, you kind of prepare yourself mentally.

My child is now an independent adult with a great job, lovely partner and is step mum to a delightful girl. We are very close and she is very proud of what I've achieved in my life, so am I!

Momo27 · 13/08/2018 06:47

Yes if was certainly much tougher physically to return after a short ML - not simply because of possibly still recovering from the birth as you point out OP, but because feeds are far more frequent, the baby is likely to still be waking several times a night etc

However I still believe from an emotional point of view it was perhaps easier ... there are no tears at all from a 3 month old baby when you leave them because separation anxiety hasn’t kicked in. Ironically, around a year is perhaps the worst time to start leaving them from that point of view.

Anyway as many PP have said, needs must. Quite a few younger mums have looked at me in horror when I say I returned to work after 3 months - they say they couldn’t possibly do it. Of course they could have done and would have done if that was the context they were having their child in!

SnowOnTheSeine · 13/08/2018 06:54

I went back both times when my babies were 6 months old. BF until they were 2.1 years and 18 months respectively.

It was fine. And we're very close.

mmgirish · 13/08/2018 07:34

I went back at 11 weeks for my first and 9 weeks for my second. It was fine. I pumped at my work. I was quite glad to be back with adults and found it easier than being at home.

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