Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Bonding with second baby

66 replies

Lndnmummy · 12/08/2018 14:55

Posting for traffic. Please help! My du and I waited 6 years to have another child as the newborn stage and birth were so hard first time around. My ds is here now he is 6 weeks and again we are going through reflux hell and I suspect I have pnd again too.
Will I bond with my baby? Please tell me I will? I care for him, don’t want him any harm. Keep holding him and kissing him and nursing him as if I love him. But I don’t. I feel numb. I remember that it took a while for me to love my eldest as well it came around 10 weeks but somehow I doubt that I can’t love this new baby as much as I love my oldest. I love my oldest so intensely and I look at the baby and feel really empty.
Has anyone else felt like this? I confided in my Hv who kept smiling and saying of course you love him, look at you. You have an amazing bond with him. You are wonderful with him look at you. And I felt like I have tricked her somehow (I didn’t I was very open about my fears).

Can anyone help?

OP posts:

Original poster

Lndnmummy · 12/08/2018 15:06

Anyone please?

OP posts:

Flightbite · 12/08/2018 15:07

Oh you poor woman, you're tired and hormones all over the place. I think you need to see your GP, it's very possible you've got PND and it needs sorting ASAP.

Be kind to yourself and try and take any help offered and rest, a reflux baby is really hard to deal with.

Flightbite · 12/08/2018 15:08

And you will bond, I'm certain. Xx

LillyLollyLoLo · 12/08/2018 15:10

It takes time, especially if it is a bit hard at the moment. You will love that baby as fiercely as you do your eldest, I promise. It takes a while to form that attachment to any other person, even your own child.

It sounds like you could do with some more support and your HV sounds useless tbh, your statements should have been a red flag that you’re struggling.

Original poster

Lndnmummy · 12/08/2018 15:12

Thank you so much! You think the bond will come? I have been given sertraline by the gp as hd bad pnd first time around but I’m scared to take them. My baby is so innocent and beautiful. He deserves more than this, more than me.
My eldest has now been deprived of his realatiionshio with me as I’m rocking a screaming newborn 22hrs a day. He looks so bewildered and sad and I miss him so much. I feel like I’m letting everyone down.

OP posts:

daughterofanarchy · 12/08/2018 15:14

Oh sweetheart, I could have written your post nearly five years ago- with my first child. She was born and very much wanted but the moment they gave her to me- nothing. Just fear.
I won’t bore you with the details but I ended up with PND, it took two years for me to feel love for my daughter. I missed out on so much. Please speak to your gp about your baby and for your self. The love will come but please get help sooner rather than later.

Flightbite · 12/08/2018 15:15

Oh please start the medication and believe me when I tell you every second time my worries about the first child. Your love doubles, the first won't miss out and the second will have just as much.ove.

Please speak to someone I real life also.

CanYouHearMeAtTheBack · 12/08/2018 15:15

I sort of felt in a daze for the first few weeks of ds2s life... I didn't feel much of anything really, just went through the motions. I think pregnancy, birth and the newborn phase is pretty overwhelming, so please don't be hard on yourself.

Reach out to your gp if you are worried about pnd. But don't worry, sounds like you're doing a great job of caring for your baby,the rest will come.

Oh, and also I felt a bit like I 'preferred' the eldest for a while... I think it's just that you know your eldest and need to get to know your new baby. Plus they aren't very rewarding in the beginning, are they? And that's without reflux to contend with too.

Congratulations on your new baby. It gets better

Flightbite · 12/08/2018 15:15

Second time my = second time mum

daughterofanarchy · 12/08/2018 15:16

Sorry also to add, with the reflux, if you are formula feeding your go may be able to write a script for a special milk. (Dd1 had colic and I had to buy special milk) I’m not sure what the advice is for reflux if breast feeding but I’m sure your gp or a community midwife could help.

SuperMumTum · 12/08/2018 15:19

The fact that you are aware that you are having problems and are seeking help from your hv and on here shows that you care intensely and that the bond is there, you just need some time to settle and to find it. Be kind to yourself and good luck .

m0therofdragons · 12/08/2018 15:20

The feeling like you're letting everyone down and baby deserves better is so familiar. It will pass. I bet you're doing amazingly.

My experience was, get to 12 weeks by doing what you need to and after that it will get better. Keep going xx

Merryoldgoat · 12/08/2018 15:21

Of course you will. But it sounds like you might need some extra support. I’m similar OP - second baby is here and whilst the bonding hasn’t been a problem I’m definitely showing signs of PND.

It took a while for me to realise but I made a doctor’s appointment for next week which should help.

It’s hard to accept we need a little extra help but there’s no shame in it.

Merryoldgoat · 12/08/2018 15:21

Your HV didn’t sound very helpful - try seeing a sympathetic GP instead I think.

AlphaBravo · 12/08/2018 15:22

Is it reflux or is he hungry? If you're BF he could be hungry. Not everyone produces enough milk.

AlphaBravo · 12/08/2018 15:23

(We learned that the hard way)

Original poster

Lndnmummy · 12/08/2018 15:28

Thank you all. I so appreciate it. I keep looking at the sertraline thinking maybe I should take it but then I’m waiting to just snap out of it, maybe it’s just baby blues and not pnd?

I’m so grateful for your comments. I have been referred for cbt so I’m waiting for that to come through. I try to eat and drink well and get fresh air every day.
My poor eldest is having a dreadful summer holiday. He said yesterday that he wished he had never asked for a baby brother. His life was better before. My husband was happier before. Everyone was happier before and it was me that pushed for a second baby.
I’m not normally this woo is me I promise. I’m trying to recover from c section and sort this reflux at the same time as making sure my 6 year old isn’t missing out andnim just failing at it all. I look a wreck and my house is a tip too. It will get better. I know this.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lndnmummy · 12/08/2018 15:29

No it is reflux, he is already on neocate and omeprazole. Our eldest had it too.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lndnmummy · 12/08/2018 15:56

Thank you everyone. Did anyone get past this without sertraline or other ads. Or is my best bet to bite the bullet and take them?

OP posts:

isadoradancing123 · 12/08/2018 16:08

Please take them, you will feel so much better

CanYouHearMeAtTheBack · 12/08/2018 16:09

I think many of us have been where you are, particularly in relation to the bewilderment of dc1 as you spend 23.5 hours holding a screaming baby. It honestly does get better. Your lives have all changed, but you will find a new normal. It really won't be like this forever, I promise.

Are you getting baby weighed regularly? As medication might need to be adjusted. Don't be afraid to keep taking him back to the Dr if you think it's not being controlled.

I didn't have pnd so didn't have medication, but the early weeks were very tough. Baby is 7months now and it is SO much easier now until the crawling starts, but let's not dwell on that

You CAN do this, you ARE doing this. If medication will help you then you know what to do.

Keep on keeping on xx

Amanduh · 12/08/2018 16:10

Oh lovely, please take them. It will help. And you’re fab.

Bambamber · 12/08/2018 16:15

Bite the bullet and take them, don't suffer longer than you need to. It will come. You've got a newborn with reflux and you are recovering from a c section, you are not letting anyone down. It's a big adjustment for everyone And it will take time for things to settle down, but you will get there

Chunkymonkey123 · 12/08/2018 16:17

Please don’t be so hard on yourself, I’m sure you are doing brilliantly.
You are in that awful new born stage where it’s all hard work and no reward. Your new little baby is going to bring so much joy to all your lives that you will look back on this as such a small stage that was worth going through. (I remember someone saying to me just get to 6 weeks and I thought 6 weeks?!? I can’t survive that long!).

I don’t know much about prescription drugs but my feeling is that if the GP has prescribed them then they must think it is in your best interests to take them. Are there negative side effects? Because if not you could take them for a few weeks and then reevaluate how you are doing. It’s brilliant that you are going to do CBT but that will take a while to start working.

I don’t know your situation but is there family/friends who could take your 6 year old out for some days? If not there are summer clubs that he might enjoy. Any 6 year old will find a new baby boring but that does not mean he is having a horrible holiday!

I hope you talk this through with your husband/family/friends/GP in real life and get some support. 💐💐

Hopingforthebestttc · 12/08/2018 16:18

I couldn't read this and not reply. I could have written the same post 5 years ago. My eldest was 6 and I had a reflux baby (also treated with neocate and omeprazole) who I felt absolutely no connection to. I cried and cried because I felt like I'd ruined all of our lives by pushing to have another baby. I spent the first 4 weeks of his life honestly feeling dead inside until my brilliant gp recognised all of the signs of PND. I started sertraline that day because I knew if I left it I would talk myself out of it.

I know it's scary, but PLEASE take the medication. I didn't feel better immediately, it took a few weeks of feeling not great and then an increase in dosage, but my god when they started working it was like the clouds had lifted and I could see in colour again. I have a 5 year old now who is a delight and I genuinely couldn't have a better bond with, it's always commented upon how much of a mummy's boy he is. I do look back on that time and am so thankful I started sertraline immediately rather than struggle on. I was on them until he was 18 months old and then gradually weaned off.
Now trying to have another baby and if the same happened again I would do exactly the same.

I really hope you start to feel better soon.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread