Bonding with second baby

[Lndnmummy]

Posting for traffic. Please help! My du and I waited 6 years to have another child as the newborn stage and birth were so hard first time around. My ds is here now he is 6 weeks and again we are going through reflux hell and I suspect I have pnd again too.
Will I bond with my baby? Please tell me I will? I care for him, don’t want him any harm. Keep holding him and kissing him and nursing him as if I love him. But I don’t. I feel numb. I remember that it took a while for me to love my eldest as well it came around 10 weeks but somehow I doubt that I can’t love this new baby as much as I love my oldest. I love my oldest so intensely and I look at the baby and feel really empty.
Has anyone else felt like this? I confided in my Hv who kept smiling and saying of course you love him, look at you. You have an amazing bond with him. You are wonderful with him look at you. And I felt like I have tricked her somehow (I didn’t I was very open about my fears).

Can anyone help?

Interesting about the sertraline (I have a similar story of GD and recent weight loss) the anxiety and pnd has made me lose my appetite completely.

Does it sound like pnd? The not so helpful Hv said it was too early for pnd and I should try and battle through a while longer, hence why I haven’t started the sertraline that the gp prescribed yet. She said to wait it out abit longer.

Again, I’m so grateful to you all. Thank you thank you thank you.

for you.

I remember feeling quite resentful when dc2 was born, as it took me away frim dc1 who i adored. I felt so guilty i couldnt give him 100% any more. He was only 18 months so still a baby himself. I'd bonded with him immediately when he was born, and felt terrible that i didnt feel the same about dc2. But it took a lot longer to bond with my second child. In hindsight, i think i just took longer to get to know him, as i couldnt do the whole 'mother - baby ' bubble with a toddler to look after too. I felt terrible i couldnt give either of them 100% anymore.

But he's now 2 and loved fiercely and just as much as dc1. They wind each other up but i can see they are starting to bond really well. I hear giggles (and tears) from upstairs when they play together that i wouldn't hear if either were only children.

Dont feel bad, take the meds, get support where you can. Remember it will get easier and go easy on yourself, you're doing your best and dont have to be perfect.

If ur on Facebook join the group it's called 'main group - cmpa support' absolutely loads of mums in same position, if anything aswell It makes u feel less alone, really good that u have an appointment Tuesday, hopefully he can tweak a few things and u will see improvements soon, my eldest went from 5 to 10 still no improvement so paed doubled it to 20mg a day and it changed everything..... I can't remember how old my eldest was when he did that, certainly was older than your baby tho... not too sure about explosive poos as it was so long ago, I do remember he totally bunged up though with gaviscon and was like rabbit droppings which of course made the crying etc worse.

Hi OP, sorry you are having such a tough time, it will get better. I’ve only got 3 years between my boys, so the bigger one was slightly less aware of his life being torn apart, but completely relate to the issues you are having.

I’m sure you’ve got all this sussed already having had a reflux baby first time round too, but tilting the Moses basket/cot, and a stretchy sling helped me keep a grip on my sanity second time round, it scored me slightly more sleep, and it meant DS2 could be upright and snuggled during the day while I did things with DS1.

I also did baby massage with DS2 - I signed up to various classes as I hate the whole mums and tots dynamic and I do much better with an activity to focus on, and after my experiences with DS1 I knew it would help me to have things to go out and do. Baby massage is great for relaxing mum and baby and can help with building the bond between you.

Life will get easier when your DS1 is back at school, but until then, try and score the wins where you can, if baby wants to nurse all the time, then have a dvd session with DS1 while baby is nursing. I found that from a couple of months old DS2 would normally have a nap in his vibrating chair while listening to music after breakfast for about half an hour, and I’d make a point of telling sleeping DS2 that it was now DS1’s time to play with Mummy. I also spent a fair amount of time with a child either side of me sat on the floor, splitting my time between helping with duplo/lego creations and amusing the baby.

And recruit DS1 as your number 1 helper and praise him loads for every helpful thing he does with the baby, and sing his praises to the baby as well. It can seem like a strange thing to do, but it’s really paid off for us.

Hope you see the light at the end of the tunnel soon, and sorry for my long ramble!

I found talking the sertraline at night before I went to bed was best, as the initial effect was to make me feel quite spaced out. Taking at night did help that. No weight gain for me, but it did kill my sex drive stone dead (a price I was more than willing to pay!!).

The neocate milk is very thin so you do tend to need a thickener - we used carobel and ended up on 20mg of omeprazole after trying ranitidine and seeing no improvement. One of the things that saved my sanity was a babybjorn bouncer - on the highest setting they are almost completely upright and it was the only way he would settle when not being held.

Meant to also say that it's definitely not too early to have signs of PND and suggestions from your HV that you should try to power through are really quite irresponsible. If you had any other kind of post birth medical condition you would take the medication prescribed by the doctor, but there can be such a stigma when it comes to mental health. Please don't feel like any kind of failure for taking the sertraline if that's what you choose to do.

I self-diagnosed with PND when DD was four weeks 1 day - marched into GP and told her that was what was wrong! GP was very helpful and said it wasn't at all surprising given my birth experience (induction and difficult birth) and problems with BFing (made DD seriously ill and admitted to SCBU). The timing was actually really good as by the time I saw GP again for six week check for me and baby a fortnight later I was established on the sertraline and things were beginning to improve. I then saw her a fortnight after that, then once a month for next few months, then every other months (came off the sertraline when I went back to work when DD was year old).

I'd definitely been spiralling down for about ten days before that, and had already been through the baby blues so it seemed obvious.

I talked it through with DH before getting GP appt but we were very very worried about what would happen if I got more depressed and reached the stage when I couldn't look after myself or get out of bed as there literally was no one else around who could look after the baby.

Thanks again all, I have taken the first tablet. Thank you

Good luck @Lndnmummy

I’m so grateful for all your comments. All of them. I’m taking note of them all. Does anyone know of anyone I can talk to whilst I wait for the cbt? Any charities or similar? I can’t afford private therapy at the moment as I’m on mat leave (and my insurance won’t cover).
Any pointers would be very welcomed. I’m so grateful for all your comments. Thank you

Try Home-Start @Lndnmummy. I'd also see if you have a local church playgroup - you're likely to find support there.

Thank you so much peach for this post and your last one. I will try them

I have so far not had any I’ll effects of the sertraline apart from nausea and I can live with that. I realise it’s only been a day. I have been to a sling library and got lovely help and have also signed up my eldest for a sports holiday camp for a few days that he is really looking forward to.
Feeling teary and anxious still but take comfort from the fact that I’m organising things in order to improve stuff.

We have 6 week check up tmrw as well so can review omeprazole dosage and talk to gp again.

Loads of progress in one day, just remember every day is a step in the right direction and you are doing incredibly well!

Ps - Definitely think about getting a sling, they are a godsend when it comes to reflux.

I had no change of weight on sertraline at all if it helps.

Glad to hear it's going well so far!

Home start and one of the church hall toddler groups are definitely worth looking into (the toddler groups generally have a baby area where you can sit and chat with other mums).