AIBU to be fuming

[Idolikeaniceshiraz]

so tell me if I over reacted....feeling so upset today.
In a nut shell the history - A year ago after becoming mentally unwell I decided to withdraw a bit from life to concentrate on getting fit and well so I stopped seeing friends as often etc - They knew I was ill but not one of them rang me or messaged me to see if I was Ok. I didn't hear from any of them at all - I was hurt but pulled myself together and decided to move away and start afresh which is what I have done to great success and life is on the up again for me.
Yesterday was my birthday and a message popped up from the friend I have known the longest - it was a bizarre passive aggressive message saying " I know you don't want anything to do with me but I suppose I should wish you happy birthday as I've known you for so long"....I replied that as I hadn't heard from her in ages I presumed she didn't want to stay in contact but I thanked her for her birthday wishes and added a X to the message.
I was floored by what came back - it was just vile - Im a hypocrite and how do you think she feels seeing me on facebook with people she knows I don't like???? I can only presume that she means my SIL who I have a checkered past with but who has been amazing through my illness.
It was line after line of personal attack. I didn't bite but simply replied how spiteful and nasty it was to send such an unpleasant message especially on my birthday.
The reply I got left me shaking with rage.
" By the tone of your response I will acknowledge that you are indeed still suffering from mental health issues and I hope you are getting the help you clearly need !! " Im afraid I completely and utterly lost it. Im not ashamed of being unwell - I have had some awful life events happen to me and I have always battled on - but her patronising sneering tone just pushed my buttons.
I told her she was a patronising cow (and a bit stronger) and that to say something like that when I have worked so hard to get well was a really low blow. I said that I thought she was better than that and to do one and never contact me again.
I then got a " You have read that all wrong - I didn't mean to sound patronising blah blah blah....Im so pleased you are feeling better."She back tracked like mad but no apology.
Then I get her daughter sending me " How could you do this to my mother - shes hysterical and we need the doctor to calm her down."
Im done and have blocked all forms of contact from them all.I have to say I felt elated after I fired back as I have always been the "nice" one and haven't really stood for myself before but to say that I am clearly still in need of help when I feel so great I felt was awful.
So today - I do feel a bit guilty - I know I dont want anything to do with her again- I can never forgive her- but Im worried I went over the top?Would you have been fuming? To give it some context the second message was absolutely shocking and very spiteful.
Thanks for reading.

Let it go, it's done with now.
Rehashing it over and over will only build it up into something bigger. Don't give it anymore head space.
She's proven she was a friend on her terms only and you don't need that in your life.

I agree with PP, let it go. It is done. She has showed her true colours hasn't she?

She couldn't reach out to support you when you were very unwell and has taken you not doing the leg work as a personal affront to her. Very one sided and selfish of her.

You don't need friends like that and once in a while it does you good to stand up for yourself and point out that someone is being a dick. And as for 'we need a doctor to calm her down!' What a drama queen!

No one needs that kind of crap in their lives.

Hold your head up high, move on and be proud of yourself for not being sucked back into a relationship that would ultimately bring you down.

I don’t think you were over the top, you let rip and got it out of your system, well done.

You don’t need people like her so good for you!

I suppose from your old friends' point of view, you showed you didn't want anything to do with them, and that probably hurt a lot. Even knowing a friend is ill, being pushed out of their life at a time when you would expect to be able to give support is bewildering and hurtful. I think she was probably hurt, and when you replied suggesting the lack of contact was due to her, and not due to you withdrawing, all that hurt spilled out into the bile that your received. She shouldn't have done it, she should have left it overnight before replying, but that's social media for you.

But this has spiralled out of control and is probably irretrievable now. Just accept it's water under the bridge and continue with building your new life.

I'd say she also is mentally unwell. If they needed rhe doctor to calm her down. I'd maybe try to think what's caused her to behave as she has, and the doctor thing and hysteria is a fairly big clue. She's also clearly hurt you ended the friendship a year ago, which she's not mentally coping with.

Sometimes it's not all about you, sometimes it's about the other person.

Whether op is bu depends rather on how she's previously communicated with her friends. If she told them she needed some time on her ownwithout distractions it is not really surprising they haven't been in touch. It sounds rather as though friend was giving op the space she'd asked for and is hurt that op has not got back in touch now she's feeling better.

Opposite aibu- my friend is having a tough time and asked for some space so I' ve given it to her. However she's been happy to meet up with others such as her sil who she doesn't even like. As today is her birthday I thought i 'd send a text as I wasn't sure if she actually wanted to speak to me.She responded by pointing out she'd assumed I didn't want to be friends any more as I hadn't been in touch for ages but she was the one who said she didn't want to see me !!

Your 'friend' clearly does not understand mental health issues and how space and time is needed to recover and rebuild. She took offence.

I have had my problems, no one [family/'friends'] has understood just shifted away leaving me more isolated than ever. If I've ever tried to explain myself it's seen as 'excuses' and when I stand up for myself I'm being 'aggressive'. There's never a second chance or understanding just punishment. It's all about them [and how little they know about life] but it lets me know who they really are.

As you have found the trouble starts when you say it how it is for you and stand up for yourself and give your point of view. If someone isn't empathetic they will probably never be and you will be wasting your time on these types when it's better to spend time with those who 'get' you and make you feel ok about yourself. Time to walk away from this mixed up individual. I hope you continue to do well.

Tbh you withdrew from your friends - it's not fair to expect people to chase you when you're the one creating distance. You then cut them off and started afresh. She should have just left it at that instead of messaging you that birthday text and it's a shame it devolved into a shitshow between you. You were hurt, but they were hurt too. You may have done what you needed to do for your MH, but that doesn't mean it wasn't hurtful.

OP - sorry, I don't understand. You became unwell, so 'withdrew' to work on yourself. You are then surprised that no-one contacted you to see how you were? And so you moved away. And then are surprised that no-one contacted you to keep in contact.

Then on your birthday, an old friend did contact you, and you basically told her that she had been the one to distance herself?

She then wrote back that she was surprised to see you in contact in FB with people you don't like. And you 'lost it' with her?

I think distancing yourself is a good idea. But you then can;t complain and bitch when people stay out of your way.

Either you want people in your life or you don't.

I agree with ciderhouse. You withdrew. People tend to do that when they want to be left alone. So people left you alone and now you're huffing about it. When a friend did get cautiously in touch, instead of welcoming the advance, you were a complete arse about it. But it's all everyone else's fault and how dare they not contact me or contact me in an insufficiently sensitive way! Get over yourself, your poor friends.

YANBU at all. Regardless of how you withdrew, her message was aggressive from the get go. She could have just wished happy birthday without the dramatics. Unfortunately you fell for her baited hook. Her replies showed precisely what she thinks unfortunately.

Seems as if they can't please you, you withdrew and then are mad cause they didn't phone you, then are not happy when they do?

Me again - I should have added in the OP that this person contributed to me becoming unwell - I stepped away on the advice of my counsellor - she is a controlling bully who referred to me as "The Slut" because Im divorced. I'm fuming not because she got in touch but because she was so nasty and vile and threw my mental health back in my face. Sorry should have added that in the first place :)

That's quite an epic drip feed. In that case you should have blocked her on all media a long time ago and you shouldn't have then been drawn into this dialogue. Basically she's horrible and she proved it again to you. Block, ignore and move on.

Hmmm, not convinced by the drip feed which makes you come out of this better than the original post.

You referred to her as the friend you had known the longest in your original post - not the person who contributed your MH issues.

She is mising her kicking post, leave her be, you deserve better

Even with the drip feed there's still 2 sides to this. Sounds like you effectively ghosted her and now you've been aggressive and verbally abusive. I think you should stay away from each other.

Tbh you withdrew from your friends - it's not fair to expect people to chase you when you're the one creating distance. You then cut them off and started afresh.

This is how I read your Opening post

No judgement about you ( and I understand your reasoning) but the above is true

You made choices which it now appears, upset your oldest friend

She has showed her upset by being angry and PA, but I can understand her hurt

She’s not s friend, well done forbstanding upnfor yourself op. Don’t feel guilty - block and move on.

Sorry bad spelling mistakes!

She threw your MH issues in your face but then had to call a doctor because she was so hysterical

Me again - I should have added in the OP that this person contributed to me becoming unwell - I stepped away on the advice of my counsellor - she is a controlling bully who referred to me as "The Slut" because Im divorced

Then why were you upset that she showed no interest in your illness? Why were you upset that she didn't contact you when you were unwell ?

This is all very strange

Ha, that's not a drip feed, that's massive. How did you not think that relevant?

Tbh, you pulled away to give yourself space. You weren't chased, and that's them not being supportive. If they had have pursued you that wouldn't have been supportive either.

She's unpleasant, you could have ignored it...meh. just leave it.

I have been in a somewhat similar situation,
I was close to someone who put me down continuously, I removed myself from the situation and moved away. Had a similar sort of thing with her about 6 months ago.

Do not allow her the mental space you’re giving her at the moment.
You moved away from her and felt better (as have I for the most part!) do not allow her to drag you back into a negative space.

She is quite obviously nasty and manipulative. She had her opportunity to talk with you, and look at what she did, showed her true colours.

See this as a goodbye with who your ex friend truly is.

This really is a gift horse type of situation, celebrate that you removed that from your life, and this is her vengeful response.

BTW, imagine needing a Dr to calm you down because someone wouldn’t take your shit.

Drip feed, behave yourself!