To be annoyed at my friend?

[3girlmama]

I have a friend who comes to our county once a year with her family. She lives the other end of the country.
Every year we meet up for a day. The past 3 years we have driven over an hour to see them where they stay.

This year, as I have a 12week old DD as well as my other DDs, I suggested they come to us
This offer was accepted.

No date was set as they didn't know what they were http do until they got to where they are staying.

This irritated me as if you're invited to do something then you fix a date for that and everything else fits around that, surely?

Anyway I suggested days I was free and that they could come to lunch. Again, this was accepted. Still no date from her though.

Friday I texted her to suggest Saturday or Sunday as we were running out of available days before she went home again.

She opted for Sunday. I checked lunch was still on the cards but she said to hold off that for a bit as she didn't know what they were doing that day so didn't know what time they'd come!

Again, surely just set a time and work round that?!?

Eventually very late Friday night I got a text to say between 3-5pm and they'd just have a cuppa.

So, instead of doing the usual roast for evening meal I planned it for lunchtime (much to DHs annoyance)

I needed to put the chicken in the oven at 11 for it to be done on time and just as I was due to put it in I got a text to say they'd be earlier than planned. So I switched roast to evening instead and did sandwiches for my family for lunch. (My in laws live in the annexe and were expecting roast at lunch)

Now I get a text to say they'll be later as they were late leaving their accommodation!

So now my evening roast will need to be started whilst they are here but depending on what time they actually get here it may totally clash with dinner!

AIBU to be pissedboff?

She sounds like a PITA and very rude. How good a friend is she really? She doesn't sound particularly nice.

I’d have given up halfway through OP, fuck that.

I'd be annoyed too! I hate it when people say 'I don't know what I'm doing that day' and act like I have to just fit in around other, better plans.

I’d tell her sorry but you’d moved things around to accommodate the first changes, but now it’s too late to change again... not to worry about it, and wish them a happy trip for the remainder of it.

What is a PITA?
She's an acquaintance more than a friend tbh but she's actually really lovely when we are together
We met through a fertility treatment forum in 2006! And have met up annually ever since x

It's only a meal you can have any day. Your friend travels a long distance to see you. That should take priority. Food vs friend.

PITA is Pain In The Arse

Ok...breath. You are a schedule kind of family. They are not.

I would be frustrated by them, but I’m a schedule kind of person too.

Be pissed off for a bit, then remember why you like them in the first place. If you can.

Oh, and tell your husband and his family to be grateful for the roast at whatever time they get it.

I probably would have cancelled. She's shown very little regard for your time.

Can't your partner or in-laws start dinner while you're with your friend?

I’m sure your family will survive if their meal is slightly later than usual. They’ve come from the other end of the country, presumably have lots of people to see in your area, and are driving an hour to see you. You sound unwelcoming and inflexible.

@maskingtape yes but the underlying issue is being messed about and having our day put on hold and plans moved around

@AgentProvocateur I am not either of those things, I'm simply annoyed that I've been messed about over this right from the word go right down to the actual day

They just text to say they're still doing what they're doing and will text when on their way ... which I worked out will be about 4pm at the latest.

They have no one in the county to see other than us. They go off and do tourist things for their entire stay...the same things every year

No my hubby is useless with anything like a roast snd my in laws are elderly and one has terminal cancer and dementia so they can't help

I'm sure the in laws or your partner could make a Sunday dinner and save you a plate for later whilst you entertained your friends. It's one day a year, lighten up.

Really they should allocate a day/time for you and organise their time around that, if they are just doing touristy things, so I would be annoyed too.
I would carry on making dinner while they were there but then we normally all sit in kitchen when visitors come anyway.

Do you keep in touch regularly throughout the year? Next year I would let her do the organising and see if it fits in your schedule.

Your hubby needs to be less useless! A roast is absolutely fool proof! Even an idiot can manage a roast, show him what you want him to do, so it with him a few times and then he can actually step up and pitch in

YANBU. Drives me up the wall when people mess me about like that. So inconsiderate.

OP's friend expects OP to be available for a 6-hour window during the day, even though she's only deigning to spend 2 hours together. That is rude.

My best friend is like this - she's very flaky!

Me "do you fancy doing x on y day?"

Her"I don't know what I'm doing that day yet - can I get back to you?"

🙄😂😂🤯

She very lovely when we are together but she has her own way. I had a choice to make at one point for my sanity to accept her as she is or end friendship.
I accept her as she is and now don't make arrangements with her. At first she'd try and get me to make arrangements (not happening!) and now if she lets me down I just don't even respond or acknowledge her apology post.
I've also when she's extra last minute to change arrangements said things like "oh I'm out atm the mo as you said x time. See you then"

There is a reason she's the way she is and I take her - good and bad!

I live abroad and go back to UK once a year. It's exhausting trying to fit everyone in and they always expect me to drive to them. Maybe she got used to you making the effort to go to her and didn't want to do it the other way around this time.

TBH, last time I went back, I only told my Dad and my brother and didn't post on social media so I didn't feel obliged to see anyone else and I'd do it again.
Not saying this is how it is for her, just another viewpoint.

Ah I've just seen your update that she has nobody else to see in your area. Ignore me.

Nah, YAdefinitelyNBU.

Since having kids I've become a scheduler in normal everyday life as we all have so much crop up that we need to be able to put things in the diary to work around. However, I do sympathise with her in that I'm actually completely the opposite on holiday, I hate being tied to appointments. However, if I'm away on holiday and want to visit friends during their ordinary life, I know that I need schedule in something which works for them if I want to see them.

So, I'd say that you know that next time, if you need them to come to you, you tell her a time window and say you'll be available during that time and it would be lovely to see them if they're free. And then go about your life and be pleasantly surprised if they do bother to show.

I think you have different expectations of each other. She sees you as an acquaintance who she’ll see if she has the time, you see her as someone to make an extra effort for. I suggest new year you lower your expectations. If you see her then great, if not, then never mind. No more chasing her to make arrangements.

Flaky, drives me mad. I would go out, but probably lose the friend. They don't change.

Put the chicken in the oven ready prepared and use the oven timer. If you haven’t got an oven automatic timer prepare a pot roast and put it on low before they arrive.